I have a question about relationships. I guess this would go in your love coaching blog?
I’m in love with my friend and colleague. We are both musicians who work together a lot. We’ve known each other for a year. As I grew to know him I fell for him: similar personality, he is flirty, cheeky, we have a passion for music, a sensitive loving person, I have fun around him.
I told him a few months ago about how I feel. Since then he started having lustful thoughts about me even though he said that he doesn’t feel the same way, i.e. ‘in love’. The sexual tension grew and recently we slept together. We both know it was a mistake. He said he tried to ‘feel’ something for me by doing that but it didn’t work.
He thinks I’m a beautiful person inside, hot, pretty, that I am a good friend and understand him better than most, but he doesn’t feel the same way. He says there are things he doesn’t like about me: e.g. I go to church and he doesn’t want to be with a girl who goes to church even though he is a Christian too; also that he thinks we are too similar in personality and it would prove to be an issue; my age is another thing – he’s 6 years younger; also I’m Asian and he’s Caucasian – he generally doesn’t get attracted to Asian girls. He loves me as a friend though. Our friendship means a lot to me.
Do you think there is potential for him to grow to love me the same way I do? I don’t understand how we can be both physically attracted, emotionally compatible … and yet he doesn’t feel the same way? He is 6 years younger than me (he’s 30) and he sees it as an issue. I don’t see why. And he’s never had a girlfriend because he has been inexperienced and hasn’t found the right one. Does this hold any clues for you?
Is there hope for us? I’m so sad and desperate about this that I’m nearly willing to change the things he doesn’t like about me just to be with him. I know it’s wrong but that’s how heartbroken I am.
Thanks so much Kloudiia!” - L
Yes, this will come into my love coaching blog, as you are reading right now!
Well, being out of the picture, I can be both clear and unclear at the same time. It does sound to me that this man is telling himself, and you, all the reasons why he doesn’t love you. It sounds like a check list to me, do you feel the same way too? I’m not sure if this is, in fact, a telling sign, but somehow I get the feeling that the more a person wants to reason his/her way out of a relationship, the more it shows how hard his/her head is working to conquer the heart?
Please don’t allow yourself to raise any more hopes–that you’re already secretly harbouring and breeding in your heart now–by my words. As I’ve said, I could not have been more wrong.
What I do know, and am sure however, is there’s probably still lots of room for both of you to develop in this friendship. He has certain beliefs about his religion. Why would a Christian dislike fellow church-going brothers and sisters in Christ? Do you know the reason? Knowing this may help to shed some light into his background, which all comes into play in shaping him into who he is right now. Or it may not. (Side note: in my personal opinion, I’d encourage you to continue going to church. Don’t be surprised that God may actually give you an answer when no one else could, including yourself, even though it doesn’t sound like the right reason to attend church! For me, it always warms my heart to know how much God loves me, and His love gives me strength to carry whatever burdens that I have on my shoulder. I believe this is so for you too.)
A man of 30 years old who hasn’t been in any relationship before does seem to know very well what kind of girl he wants to have. In fact, it sounds like he knows it too well. The fact is, a checklist is but, a checklist. A real relationship is a bond between two real people: flesh and blood, tears and laughter, anger and anxiety; and you only know if you care and love for this person after you’ve spent time together.
Well, if it helps at all, maybe you can let him know this: if he’s waiting for that perfect girl out there, he’s in for a big disappointment. No one is perfect, but we can love each other as perfectly as we strive to be, in the midst of all the imperfections.
As for the issue of compatibility–one of my favourite subjects to speak on–it does make things much easier when two people are similar in terms of their character, personality, values and lifestyle. However, as with all things, nothing is good without its bad. When two people are so similar, they tend to be a mirror of each other. So you’ll see your faults, perhaps magnified (since we tend to love and excuse ourselves more than others), as much as you’ll see your merits in that person. Your strengths could be multiplied, but your weaknesses couldn’t be complemented. So there’s really no hard and fast rule when it comes to this. However, do pay more attention to each other’s values. If they are too diverse and irreconcilable, you may like to consider hard.
Lastly, I’m really glad to read that you still know where the limits are, even though the lines seem to be blurring now. Yes, please do not turn yourself into a person you’re not. If this person cannot love and accept you as who you are, then this relationship isn’t built on what is true. And you know as well as I do that anything that isn’t built on a real foundation (truth, not false pretenses) is just something that’s hanging in the air. One strike and all’s out.
Perhaps a short getaway might help to breathe some fresh air into your mind and heart?
Take this as a journey, and treat it as a learning experience. You know, not all of us have such an opportunity to go through such a stage, so, be gentle with yourself.
God bless you.