LuvLifeCoach.com

“Dear Kloudiia 

I crush on my colleague, we seldom speak much but he always say hi every time we meet. One day I accidentally heard people talking about him, I became so concerned and keep listening to what they talking about. It looks like he likes a girl but not sure that she likes him back, people guessing that the girl likes another colleague, I keep trying to listen to know who is the girl until they mention my name, at that time I really don’t know what to do, I’m basically a shy girl and I’m quite new there. I’m scared to share with other colleague. Until the people are aware that I know, and they said I look scared when he’s around, they keep guessing that may be I like another colleague instead of him. But then something happen, one day he brought a new born baby and people said it is his baby. I become more confuse and don’t understand, but then I feel people start to see how my reaction when he brought a baby and questioning how come I didn’t look shock. I then decided to ask him to clarify what I heard, it shock me when he said he is married and just have a baby. But then again I heard people questioning the same thing, make me think that he lied about it. I thought may be because he’s afraid I don’t have the same feeling with him, I then confess how I feel to him, he looks very happy, but he still say that he is married. I asked him a few times, and he answered me the same also. One day I know that he lied and is still single. I’m really confuse and can’t understand why he did that, from what I heard from the people he seems to care about me, but when I ask him, he looks very cold. All my friends said that he only make fun of me, but I know he is a good person, he won’t do such thing. Now it’s really bothering me a lot, because they keep talking about this matter make me stress, they dislike me because I don’t want to look at him. I’m afraid it would affect my work also. I’m really confuse and don’t know what to do, should I share with my colleague about this?

Thanks in advance.” - S

Dear S

No wonder you are so confused! I’m not sure why your colleagues chose to gossip about you and that male colleague, however what I’m sure is you are certainly making assumptions about all these bits and pieces of conversation that you’ve heard. And this is where the crux of the issue lies.

How well do you know this male colleague? Until now, it doesn’t look like you’re even sure of his marital status, and he seems to be playing a mystery game with you. Perhaps he has helped you in your work, and you consider him as a good man. However, when it comes to a pure colleague versus a romantic relationship, there’s still a thick line drawn in between, Could you have blurred this line?

If someone really likes you and cares for you, they will not play such games with you.

I would suggest that you stop listening to all these gossips with no basis of truth, nor sincerity as far as I can tell. If you really need to hear it from the horse’s mouth in order to clear up all these doubts and confusion, and move on, then speak directly to this male colleague, and ask that he be honest with you, as you are with him.

Gossip has always been dangerous, and when you are piecing those bits together, it’s still an incomplete picture, and more often than not, holds little truth. Taking these bits of gossip seriously and turning them into facts only feeds your sense of illusion and enlarges your fantasy.

Hope this helps, and wishing that you will let go of this confusing episode and move on in your life.

Love, Kloudiia.

Dear D

Do you mean PTSD instead? Or do you mean Prolonged Duress Stress Disorder? I googled and saw this acronym, not very sure which one you’re referring to.

Nevertheless, it sounds like a practical issue that you and this man are facing. If he’s suffering from a mental disorder, he should be under treatment. Is he?

Is his mental condition the reason that made you leave in the first place? So, is this issue resolved, or is it on the way to resolving?

I think unless you get through this, otherwise you’ll be in this loop even if you got back with him, do you agree?

I’m sure you and your ex share many sweet memories. Maybe you’d like to join him in his treatment sessions and bring up whatever concerns that you and him had faced when you were together?

Have you thought of joining any support group where they have partners who have similar mental conditions? How do they cope?

Well, if you and your ex love each other, then these issues may be worked out because they’re all practical ones. At the same time, these issues will certainly affect your relationship if not handled well, and if you’re not prepared–mentally, emotionally and physically–to ride it through with him.

As for your good friend, regardless of your ex, how do you feel towards him? What traits or qualities drew you close to him? Or was it purely a love on the rebound situation?

I hope these questions help you to know what you really want for yourself and your relationship, and how to handle those challenges.

I wish you well….

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

I know this guy online for months before I develop feelings for him. He is a nice guy and I know that he is single and we msn and chat almost every day on the phone. Things progress and we got into a relationship and his work is quite busy but still fork out time to meet 1-2 times a week.

We were together for 1 month plus & all the while I know that he do not play Facebook. So my friend logged in from her profile and went to see my guy’s profile and saw that he actually ROM already with another girl. It was devastating for me and when I confronted him, he said he did not lie anything. He said he ROM and not even customary wedding yet. He proceed to tell me that he and the wife got together a few months and ROM less than 1 yr together, he regret not thinking carefully before settling down. He dunno what to do now and only take a step each day as he do not know how to end things with the wife. I feel bad becoming a 3rd party unknowingly and he said that I do not need to feel bad as we are willingly in love. I wanted to leave him yet my feelings for him get deeper over the months, but he still won’t let go I’m not sure what should I do?” -  L

Dear L

Your heart must be tearing apart now, torn between reason and emotion. Your mind tells you that you shouldn’t continue this relationship anymore, which is why you emailed me for advice. Yet your heart is probably hoping that maybe, just maybe, there might be an iota of hope.

Well, there is hope. But, not until he settles everything with his wife. Like it or not, customary wedding or not, they are legally wed. A wedding is an event. A marriage is the act of entering into the legal constitution, and that, was what he did when he ROM with his wife.

Objectively speaking, I would like to question this man’s integrity and honesty. Why would he still insist that he didn’t lie to you by claiming he was single, when in fact, he was already legally married to another woman? Plus, if it is in his opinion that ROM doesn’t mean a single thing, then this also goes to show his level of maturity. Are you sure this is the kind of man you can give your whole heart and soul to?

You’re right when you said that you have unknowingly become the third party, although we both know you did it without any knowledge. But now that you know the truth, then you cannot deny any responsibility if you choose to continue this relationship with him. I’m sorry to point this out, but he is–in the eyes of the law–having an extra-marital affair. His wife has the legal rights to go after him because of this, and you cannot avoid not being dragged into this tassel. I’m not saying this will certainly happen, but just to let you know that in the event it does, you cannot run away from it if you’re still part of this whole equation.

I’m sure he has many other qualities that make your heart flutter and melt. It’s just that at this point in time, he’s not available, in any and every sense of the word.

It takes courage to make any decision for you at this point. To continue, you need courage. To end, you also need courage. I pray that you’ll find this strength in your heart to do what is right and appropriate for you.

All the best L.

Love, Kloudiia

Dear friends and readers of LuvLifeCoach.com, Happy New Year! May 2011 bring you lots of reasons to cheer, love and be loved.

On this first day of a brand new year, why not start to do something new that will bring more cheers to your relationship?

I suggest you can kick start a brand new love habit.

Do you say ‘I love you’ to your partner daily? If not, maybe today is the day that you can begin. Many people have the wrong impression that when these three words are said too much, it loses it’s appeal. Well, let me tell you–it doesn’t. In fact, a daily dose of ‘I love you’ enforces that loving and romantic feeling, and it brings a couple closer. If our bodies need fresh food daily to let our organs run smoothly and function, guess what our emotions need?

If you have been doing that already,well, create another act of showing your devotion to your partner. What is it your partner would love to see or hear, or both, from you? If you don’t know, the best way is to ask. I’m sure they’ll be able to give you some options as a great starter kit.

An act of love doesn’t come naturally for most people. When you start doing it, it’ll feel very, very awkward. But it’s okay! You’re taking out the first step, and that’s what really matters, isn’t it? If you are the recipient, then help your partner out by letting them know how it feels that they did that for you. Being told that you’re making your partner feel loved is the best form of encouragement.

As you do it day by day, it will eventually become a ritual, and hence it forms a habit. When it becomes a habit, it becomes one of the materials that form the pillar of strength for your marriage.

So what can this be? It can be spoken, or physical, or both. Whatever it is, it has to be acted upon. An action, something that can be heard or felt by your partner. A thought doesn’t count.

And guess what? You can also create a code, an alternative action that shows that you still care for your partner even when you’re upset with him/her. Yes, this is for emergency use. When you are having an argument, it can be very tough to still say I love you, or to give your partner a kiss. So, during this time, what else can you do to show that you still love and care? Maybe making a cup of coffee, playing a certain piece of music or song, or getting flowers? Anything, it’s up to you and your partner’s preference. But it has to be mutually understood, so that when you see that behaviour being displayed, you know that yes, you are both in argument, but you’re still lovingly tied together in union.

Start creating a beautiful relationship with your loved one today. Not tomorrow, but today. Have lots of fun doing it, for both of you.

Remember, it has to be an action. An act, said or done, or both.

Money is a very sensitive issue, do you agree?

Court cases of family members tearing their kinship apart because of the dollars and cents make one cringe. We wonder if they have lost their senses. However, much as we sigh, they are as real as they can be.

How then can we prevent issues involving money from hurting our relationships with our romantic partners, family members and friends?

Here are some tips that anyone can use to prevent conflicts from arising between you and your loved one. For easy illustration, I’ll use partner to refer to you and that significant other, who could be your spouse, romantic partner, a close friend, business partner or a family member.

1. Beliefs and Values
Understanding your partner’s belief and value toward money, especially on the area of expenditure will give you clarity over the reasons behind their action and decision on money-related matters.

For example, while you may have no qualm about taking cabs, your partner may feel that he/she would rather use that money to have a better meal or to get that pair of shoe.

What’s your stand toward cash vs credit spending? What is the minimum security level for both of you?

2. Skills
Who is the better person to manage the finances? Recognising your strengths and weaknesses go a long way to set the boundary and assign responsibility. Many people are unwilling to let go of the control over their finances for fear that their partners will do a worse job than them. However, chances are if your partner has a better sense over numbers, then you could save your time and frustration by delegating this task to them.

After identify the better person to manage finance, develop the skills necessary for good money management. If none of you posess such skills, either take up a course, read a book or hire a professional (see Tip 4 below).

3. Communication
There’s a Chinese saying that goes “talking about money hurts relations”. In a way, it is true. However, when the circumstance requires you to talk about money and you choose to avoid it, the repercussions could be graver than if you were to just openly tell your partner how you feel towards his/her spending/saving habit and behaviour.

For dating couples who are planning to get married, it is imperative that you have to talk about money. Go through your beliefs, values and concepts toward money you have. It’ll be good to explain to your partner why you see money in that manner so that both of you understand the reasons that contribute to your existing behaviour and mindset.

Knowing the way makes it much easier to come up with a how that both of you are satisfied and happy with.

4. Engage a professional
What happens if none of you are adept at doing budgets and planning finances? Fret not for there are many professional financial planners (real qualified ones, not insurance agents!) who are glad to offer their services for a fee.

If you’re worried that they may not have a vested interest in your personal affairs, you don’t have to. These professionals have their reputation to take care of, so it would be in their best interest to help you have a sound and healthy financial status. You are their best walking advertisement. Alternatively, you can peg their fees at a percentage of how much they have helped you to save/earn over a designated period. That is to say, make it a performance-based compensation plan.

Another merit of hiring a professional is you lower the chances of quarelling as both of you hear the views coming from an independent third party.

5. Take an interest
Do not be surprised to know that there are people in this world who is not interested to look at figures. It gives them a headache to look at the balance sheets and they would rather choose not to know about them.

But you know as well as I do how dangerous that can be. Ignorance of your financial situation is definitely not bliss. Therefore, do whatever it takes to make yourself take an interest in taking control. You don’t have to do the nitty gritty stuff (See Tip 4) but you have to be in the know as you are ultimately the one making the decisions.

If you don’t control your money, then others will. And these are the people who will help you to spend your moola, not grow it.

6. Learning to say no
Do you know of some people who doesn’t know how to say no to people who wants to borrow money from them? Even when their own kitty is on the borderline of reaching the dangerous “cash tight” zone, they still can’t bring themselves to say no?

I’m not encouraging people to reject friends who are in need of financial help, but you have to remember that it has to be within your means. The best way to know is ask yourself this question: “If you’re not getting back this sum of money, how will it affect your financial situation?”

If your answer to that question is it’ll not affect in a very long time to come, then why not help your friend tide through that crisis? But if you answer is it’ll probably bring you trouble if the money doesn’t come in within the short term, then you need to reconsider the urge to say yes. Help your partner see this concept. If the person is you, then tell your partner about it and ask him/her to remind you when such things happen again.

It takes courage to be able to speak your mind about money to someone close to you. This is more so due to the upbringing and culture in Asia where we are generally afraid to speak out for fear of rocking the boat.

There is a consequence to every action or inaction. The next time you see the need to communicate over money and you are fretting over whether you should or not, then ask yourself if you’re willing and prepared to face the consequence of keeping mum. Chances are, you may be able to find that hot button and find a good enough reason to either do it or not do it, and still be at peace and happy with whatever that comes with your decision.

“Kloudiia

Hi there. He’s 12 years older than me and we’ve been together for 3 1/2 years. We’re planning to get married and I knew ever since he has kids with a previous girl. We’re good so far and he doesn’t allow them to even try to enter in our current relationship. Would this be okay? Am I sinning?” - K

Dear K

When you’re asking me in the context of sin, I’m not so sure what you are referring to. Is it religious sin? If so, then perhaps you can consult your religious leader about this and this person will be able to give you good advice on what you should do.

On a secular level, it’s good that your boyfriend is protecting your relationship from external factors. What is your real concern? Is he totally ignoring his children? Or is he not including them whenever he’s with you? Does he separate his relationship with his children and with you exclusively?

I don’t know how old his children are. But if you were to marry him, then I suppose you’d have to know them sooner or later. There’s no way you and them can be mutually exclusive forever. Are you ready to build a relationship with his children? How much about them do you know? If not, maybe you can start getting to know them bit by bit through him.

Maybe this is too early to think about, but since we’re on this, so I thought it’d be good for you to consider the option of starting a family with him. Do you plan to have children? If so, do you see him as a good father figure?

There is probably a good reason for your boyfriend’s behaviour. It’d be good for you two to communicate and let each other know the thoughts and feelings you have about the situation. If both of you are really committed to making this work, then I believe it’ll all turn out well.

All the best to you K.

Love, Kloudiia

"Good day to you Kloudiia. Just call me F. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now and it’s a long distance relationship. During this year there was a time that we broke up for almost a year but still ended up together. We see each other once a year. She broke up with me. I asked her what the reason are, and she kept on telling me this and that and I found out from her mom that she was so frustrated because she expected me to propose to her this year. 

Before this happened and before she left I talked to her and told her that I’ll be proposing to her next year and after the engagement we can have a civil or church wedding if she wants. I told her my plans. And now she broke up with me and she keeps on telling me to let go of her cos I’m not giving up on her because I love her. I just don’t know what to do right now on how to have her back. She told me that she likes someone else but I don’t believe in it coz she is just telling that so that I can let go of her coz that’s the same thing she told me before when we broke up. Please help me. I want to save this relationship. I love her and she is my life." - F

Dear F

I hope I didn't get you wrong. Your ex-girlfriend broke up with you because you didn't propose to her, the reason and plan which you've already given to her prior to that. So, is that really the cause for the breakup? 

Why are you doubting her words that she likes someone now? Do you have evidence that she's lying or just using this as a ploy? Even if it's a ploy, what's her main intention? 

A relationship breaks up for many reasons, some can be totally incomprehensible even to the party involved. You may like to recall on the period before she threw in the towel. Was there any difference in her attitude and the way she was communicating to you? Was she still showing you care and concern like she used to? Did she say "I love you" to you? Was she hesitant in responding to your emails, or when speaking to you? What do you notice about her that, on hindsight, would have given you some clues to her change of heart and mind in this relationship? 

It takes two to tango. Maybe before you do anything to win her back, you can check if she really likes someone else, and not just brush it aside? I hope you're not doing this because of denial. 

If there isn't someone else, then find out what's the real reason for the breakup (and it happened twice?). If you aren't convinced by the one that's been given, then it's either you have to get the truth from her, or you have lots of reflection and recollection to do. When was the first time you noticed some changes in her attitude and behaviour towards you? What events had taken place before that? Did she mention anything that she found disturbing to you? How did you address those, or did you not address them at all? 

These are just some questions that hopefully will help you in your own reflection. 

Don't just broadly assume that just because you have broken up and patched back before means that this break up isn't for real.  Were the problems that led to that breakup solved, or did they recur again after you patched back? How did you get together again? 

I'm not sure if you still are separated physically from her. If so, I really like to ask, why so long? If it's for studies, then you should have finished in 4 years' time. If it's for work, then why aren't you two making plans to move to live in the same city? Was she waiting for you to have some concrete plans and do something about this, and when she has waited long enough, she decided to leave? I'm just guessing, you would know better. 

Lastly, if she's really the girl whom you love so much and want to have as your wife, then you'll have to show her through not just your words, but your actions that she means that much to you as you say. And, be patient. 

All the best to you F.

Love, Kloudiia

Dear S

I’m going to start with a cliche (ouch!) – okay, here goes. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. There, I’ve got it out of my stomach!

Thanks for your compliments of my book, that’s nice, and I’m glad you find it useful for you and your to-be wedded friends!

What I meant in Secret #6 was a reminder that inner beauty is the only form of beauty that not only passes through the test of time, but actually gets better when one sets his/her heart on cultivating it.

That said, physical attractiveness should not be neglected too. That forms one of the basis for attraction, and that’s why people should make it a point to still look as good as they can be after they are married. So, you’re not superficial to want your partner to be attractive, but you will be if that’s the only criteria you have.

What are the other traits and qualities in women that you find positive and attractive to you? Are you naturally drawn to girls who are chatty, or quiet? Aggressive, or shy? Outgoing or homely? What values do you hold dear and important in life and relationships? Do you know the type of person that will suit you, besides the looks?

I’ve mentioned many times before that attraction is very subjective and is a matter of perception. And good news is, it’s pretty easy to boost up the looks department by changing either the hairstyle, colour, or even a piece of attire, and some make-up. Viola! The girl begins to shine! There’s no ugly women, only lazy ones, I always tell people.

I’m glad that you’re admitting how important physical looks is to you. Sometimes it’s more important for people, like yourself, sometimes it’s less important for others. Both are just fine. It’s about acknowledging this is a crucial criteria to you and knowing the kind of partner to look for. Just don’t be blown away solely by how she looks, and forget to find out the true her underneath that radiant cover.

One last thing I’d like to say is, beauty has been much over-rated and stereotyped by the media. So I hope that you’re not basing beauty on what you see on TV and magazine covers. If you are, well I’m wishing you good luck!

All the best to you S. I’m sure you’ll find someone who fits both your bill of looks and inner beauty!

Love, Kloudiia

Dear A

I’m proud of you for holding on to your principles in withholding pre-marital sex. Well done!

Do you generally have difficulty in trusting people? Or did your suspicions arise out of your boyfriend’s secrecy? If it’s the latter, have you communicated your feelings toward his unexplained behaviour to him? Let him know how you feel when he’s keeping things from you, but refrain from blaming him for making you insecure, because that’s your own thought in response to his action, not that he is forcing you to be doubtful.

It’s normal for couples to keep each other informed of their whereabouts, but if he has gone overboard by bombarding you with calls, maybe you’d like to consider if he’s invading into your own space too much. Will he loosen his grip after you tell him gently that his interference is suffocating, and not what you find to be loving? If not, then you probably should be thinking how comfortable you are to have him tracking you so intensely. He does sound like too controlling while desiring an unlimited of freedom on his side.

Well, whether or not he’s cheating on you, you can only know if he’s honest with you. But it seems that you have certain unresolved issues of trust with him, so you have to work on this if you plan to keep this relationship going. Otherwise, you’re going to believe that he’s cheating on you, even if he may not be. A relationship with no trust is sitting on very rocky grounds, and just a nudge will bring it to shatters.

In every relationship, there will be some parts that we love and enjoy, and others that we have to endure or compromise on. Nobody is perfect, we just learn to live with those imperfections. So, is what you’re getting out from this relationship more important than what you’re not getting? Maybe by answering this question as honest as possible, you’ll know the choice to make.

When you say that he’s unwilling to break after you initiate it, did you set any rules for him to adhere to? Why did you want to break up? Be clear on your reasons, and if you are giving him and the relationship a chance, then both parties need to know where is the line that they have to keep within. At least in this way, you’re not ding-donging between the two outcomes and the possibilities. You set the markers to tell you when you need to make a decision.

Lastly, both of you are very young, and I’m not very certain if you know how to handle a relationship. It’s not just the I-love-you and You-love-me romantic heart-beating emotions, it’s much, much more. If you haven’t read my book, I’d urge you to get a copy and read it. Your boyfriend should find it an easy read to, as many of my male readers have feedback to me. A suggestion for you to consider!

All the best, A.

Love,  Kloudiia