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Dear A

I’m proud of you for holding on to your principles in withholding pre-marital sex. Well done!

Do you generally have difficulty in trusting people? Or did your suspicions arise out of your boyfriend’s secrecy? If it’s the latter, have you communicated your feelings toward his unexplained behaviour to him? Let him know how you feel when he’s keeping things from you, but refrain from blaming him for making you insecure, because that’s your own thought in response to his action, not that he is forcing you to be doubtful.

It’s normal for couples to keep each other informed of their whereabouts, but if he has gone overboard by bombarding you with calls, maybe you’d like to consider if he’s invading into your own space too much. Will he loosen his grip after you tell him gently that his interference is suffocating, and not what you find to be loving? If not, then you probably should be thinking how comfortable you are to have him tracking you so intensely. He does sound like too controlling while desiring an unlimited of freedom on his side.

Well, whether or not he’s cheating on you, you can only know if he’s honest with you. But it seems that you have certain unresolved issues of trust with him, so you have to work on this if you plan to keep this relationship going. Otherwise, you’re going to believe that he’s cheating on you, even if he may not be. A relationship with no trust is sitting on very rocky grounds, and just a nudge will bring it to shatters.

In every relationship, there will be some parts that we love and enjoy, and others that we have to endure or compromise on. Nobody is perfect, we just learn to live with those imperfections. So, is what you’re getting out from this relationship more important than what you’re not getting? Maybe by answering this question as honest as possible, you’ll know the choice to make.

When you say that he’s unwilling to break after you initiate it, did you set any rules for him to adhere to? Why did you want to break up? Be clear on your reasons, and if you are giving him and the relationship a chance, then both parties need to know where is the line that they have to keep within. At least in this way, you’re not ding-donging between the two outcomes and the possibilities. You set the markers to tell you when you need to make a decision.

Lastly, both of you are very young, and I’m not very certain if you know how to handle a relationship. It’s not just the I-love-you and You-love-me romantic heart-beating emotions, it’s much, much more. If you haven’t read my book, I’d urge you to get a copy and read it. Your boyfriend should find it an easy read to, as many of my male readers have feedback to me. A suggestion for you to consider!

All the best, A.

Love,  Kloudiia

“Kloudiia,

I need to get advice about a recent break up of twelve years. We have a son together and I love her so deeply. I am having deep remorse for not showing her the love that I should have. It’s been three months and I am still very heart broken.” - M

Dear M

It really sounds like you’re remorseful, which is probably what would be your main motivating force to save your relationship, would you agree?

If you already know that you haven’t been showing her the love that you should have, then it only means you know what you can do to make her feel loved. Or do you not? If not, how can you know? How much and what do you know about her during those past twelve years that you are together?

A relationship doesn’t break up overnight, more so when you two have started a family. There could be lots of unhappiness and resentment built up over the years, and you probably could start by looking at this area.

Maybe you would like to use this time to do a good and honest reflection over what could have possibly gone wrong that led to this result. Looking at this list, what are the things that you can change now?

Does your partner know how you are feeling now? Have you been communicating to each other? How is she reacting to you now?

I understand that you’re feeling very remorseful now, and you’re probably sitting there and beating yourself up. But it’s been three months, so what have you done so far? If you haven’t done anything that is pushing you towards the direction you want, then when is now the right time to start taking some real and concrete action?

Since you and your ex have been together for twelve years and have a son together, I assume that you’re both married and are now separated? Because if so, then we’re talking about divorce which would take some time and hence hopefully give you some opportunities to make changes.

You are both connected to each other by your son. So, there might still be a chance that you can still patch back with your partner. But you need to act now.

It would be good if you can bring this up with a professional to walk this path with you together. Let me know if you’d like to find out more about our coaching programme and maybe we can work this out by emailing me.

All the best to you M, and I wish that your family can be back together in love and happiness once more.

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve very recently got myself into a big mess. I have been with my girlfriend of 3 years, and are on the verge of wedding preparations, but I recently messed around with another girl, and my girlfriend found out.

She was of course devastated and decided to end things with her, and I am so much so ashamed of myself that I agreed with everything she said of me. After losing her, I really feel like I want her back and I wanted to tell her I will never ever do such a thing again, to which she has close her ears to and told me it’s off.

How can I prove to her that I am very sincere in wanting her back? I know that as the one who did wrong, I am asking for too much but I meant it when I said I love her and wanted to marry her. I am really at a loss at the moment.

Do hope to hear your advices.

Thank you.” - S

Dear S

I can read that you’re really regretful of what you’ve done. It takes a lot of courage to admit to one’s wrongdoing, and even more to want to make up for it.

I’m sure you know how hurtful your girlfriend must have felt. So, while you would like her to return to you, you have to empathise with what she’s going through now. Dealing with a betrayal from someone whom she was preparing to entrust her life with isn’t easy. Hence, please give her and yourself a bit more time.

I’m sure you genuinely meant it when you said you love her and wanted to marry her. However, in this case, trust has been broken, and you know as well as I do that to rebuild it takes even more time and effort than to gain it in the beginning.

If you really want to salvage this relationship, you need to have lots of patience with your girlfriend, and use your action to prove your sincerity and love. Be mentally prepared that this is going to be an uphill task. You may be snubbed by her many times, because she’s probably learnt to protect herself from you now. But, if you really is sincere, then time and your action will tell.

What can you do to get her forgiveness? To what extent are you willing to do it?

At the same time, I’d like you to reflect upon this incident. Have you thought about what led to your misbehaviour at first? If things had been going on well between you and your girlfriend, why were you willing to risk it with the other lady? What was the catalyst?

And if things weren’t going very well already between you and your girlfriend, are you confident that these issues can be resolved now and won’t happen again in future? When infidelity occurs in a relationship, we always point the finger outwards and fail to see that it could be due to unresolved issues in our own relationship that are pushing us away. However, I hope that from this incident, you’ve learnt that the solution is never to seek the answer elsewhere, but within the relationship itself.

If you have issue with your girlfriend, then communicating about it and learning to see from each other’s point of view is the way to resolve it. Looking outside to getting what you can’t get in your relationship is an easy way out, but it never is and won’t be the real solution.

These are the things that you need to sit down and seriously think through.

I wish you all the best. At the same time, if your girlfriend is open to getting professional help, it would be very useful that she can speak to a counsellor or coach to work on this experience and to move on.

As for you, please do not be too hung up on your guilt and punish yourself unduly. I believe you are really feeling remorseful now. So, just focus on rebuilding the trust and let your love speak for itself.

This is a test of your love with your girlfriend. If both of you can go through this, I’m sure you will have a fresh perspective on what love, relationship and marriage is.

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve a boyfriend whom we have been together for 5yrs+. We have LDR (long distance relationship) since March 2009. and we had a lot quarrels from March-June 2009. Ended up in July 2009, he called for a month cool down period..

At that time, I came to know about The 69 Love Notes.. I really appreciate the contents of the book and I committed to myself to make the changes because I WANT a loving and long-term relationship.

After the cool down period, we got back together. He noticed my changes, but deep in his heart, he feel uneasy as he thought all the changes that I’ve made is just because of his ‘threatening’.. and claim that the ‘feel’ has lost… he is coming back this week.. What should I do??

Do I need to take up the love couching program? If yes, HOW?

Hope to hear from you real soon.” - Q

Dear Q

I’m glad to hear that you’re committed to making changes so that you can have a long-term relationship, really glad. Not many people out there are willing to put in effort and work hard to achieve this, you know? So, regardless of how your relationship with your boyfriend turns out, you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back for the great work you’ve done!

I’m not sure why your boyfriend says he no longer feels for you, though I do suspect the frequent quarrels in the past could be a major reason. You see, when a couple goes through a period of constant arguments, the negative energy that hangs around them can cause them to lose all the nice and good feelings they used to have for each other. Unless they both have the commitment to want to ride it out no matter what, and learn new techniques to resolve the issues that are troubling them, chances are the relationship is heading towards the end.

Your boyfriend could genuinely be unconvinced that your changes are for the purpose of wanting to save the relationship, or he could be using it as a facade. He might be feeling insecure that you have made progress and he has still remained the same. Or, he might be using that as an excuse so that he doesn’t have to admit that he no longer likes you.

Or, none of these are true. He could genuinely believe that what you have been doing is not going to last. If this is the case, then the only way to let him know you’re really committed to making the relationship work is to continue to be a better person and apply those strategies and tips you’ve learnt. Time will show the truth, wouldn’t you agree?

I think it’d be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Find out what’s the real reason for the initial breakup, and if he sees this relationship having a future.

You can consider taking up coaching if you want to have a clearer idea of what you actually want and how to get there.

Lastly, I wish that you and your boyfriend will be able to work out all these confusions and doubts circling each of you and your relationship. I hope that regardless of how your relationship turns out eventually, you’d still continue to practise those things you’ve learnt from my book. Because you should have probably come to realise by now that they not only help you to have a lasting and loving relationship, when applied on oneself, the tips are also great to prepare you better for the next one to come.

All the best, Q.

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

I just broke up with my boyfriend few weeks back, because I found out that there’s a third party involved. We ended up arguing because he didn’t wanna explain and so we broke up. Now we’re not talking to each other anymore. I’m confused now. I don’t know what to do …” - J

Dear J

Breaking up is never a thing that gives someone joy. However, it can be a thing very worth while to do, especially if the relationship isn’t making you a better person and giving you love and peace.

I can understand why you’re feeling confused now. You must be wondering if all this is real. Is your boyfriend really cheating? If so, why didn’t you get any hint of it earlier?

Are you also having doubts about yourself, and perhaps even beginning to blame yourself for causing this break up? Are you feeling bad? Feeling less attractive even?

If you are, I really would wish that you stop breeding all these negative thoughts. When a third party comes into the picture, it usually is the result of several factors. We can’t be exactly sure what these are, but we can be certain that it isn’t the fault of one person alone. He could be non-committal right from the start, or both of you could be really incompatible. You can’t be completely sure why he cheated, but what you can control is how you treat this event.

When you’re feeling less overwhelmed and are ready to face the fact that this relationship is over, give yourself some time to think through what had gone wrong. I’m sure there are lessons that you can learn, wouldn’t you agree?

And, isn’t breaking up a better solution than staying together? Why would you want to hang on to a relationship that is no longer pure and loyal? Why would you want to commit yourself to a man whose heart doesn’t belong to you anymore?

Given time, I believe you’d get over this and move forward. Meanwhile, do things that will cheer you up. Most importantly, keep feeding positive thoughts and emotions into your brain. You really are worth to have someone who truly loves you and treats you well. When you thought you’ve lost something, you could actually have gained more instead. So, be open.

I wish you all the best, and may peace be in your heart always.

Love, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

Hi, currently I’m having long distance relationship (LDR) with my boyfriend for about a month and he still have 23 months more before coming back to SG. Can guide me how to maintain my LDR well? I’m afraid we might not be able to communicate well due to the 15hrs time differences. Thanks” - JQ

Dear JQ

I’m glad you asked! Because that only means you’re really committed to making this relationship work, and commitment is crucial for all relationships, especially LDR.

We know that communication is the key to maintaining relationships (more so for LDR), so let’s see how we can keep this line open via these methods:

Phone or Skype

I believe you can find a time suitable for you two to talk? Say if it’s 9am on our side it’ll either be 6pm or midnight at his (depending he’s 15 hours before or behind us). This should be a good time for both of you, or you can adjust accordingly.

Set say, 15 to 30 minutes of time aside and do nothing else except talking to your boyfriend. Both of you can decide how frequent you need to speak to each other. Invest in a good webcam and microphone if you’re using Skype (or MSN). Then you’ll be able to see your boyfriend’s face and hear him clearly too!

Have a mutual agreement that when you two have decided on the time and date for a phone or webcam session, stick to it, even if it means cancelling other appointments. If one party cannot make it, inform the other party in advance so that you don’t have to worry unnecessary. This may sound very trivial, and when you two are in the same country it’s alright. But when one party is somewhere far away, triviality is somehow magnified. So, stick to the preset timetable.

In between these phone sessions where you can’t hear his voice, write.

Blogs
Do you know that you can set your blog to be private and accessed by passwords only? Maybe both of you can set up such a blog and post your daily updates. This is great because when you are on the phone with him, you can save time (and money!) by skipping the details and talk about the more important stuff.

Plus, you can upload lots and lots of photos! In this way, both of you are still involved in each other’s lives, which is what you want to keep a LDR going. This also helps to keep the passion alive.

If you’re not keen on the idea of setting up a blog, you can also post photos onto Facebook and set the permission level – only allow him to view those photos and vice versa. I just thought a blog is good because it has the time stamp and can track your thoughts and activities in chronological order – excellent for you two to reminisce later when he’s back!

Emails
Of course, how can we do without them?

As you can’t see each other’s body language and facial expression, and it’s impossible to hear the tonality in written communication, please always bear in mind to give your partner the benefit of the doubt if you think something’s amiss.

Always make it a point to ask him nicely (not interrogate) if you find something fishy or if you sense that he’s upset about certain things when you two get on the phone. Do not let misunderstandings pile up and cause a drift between you two. You are already physically far enough, and what you need to do is to bridge the gap, not widen it!

Cards
Send each other cards on special occasions, or on no occasion and for no special reason except to say hi and tell him you miss him. Being alone and so far away from loved ones, I’m sure your boyfriend would be elated to receive something from home.

You can also send each other little gifts that don’t cost much to courier or mail. These little things will help to remind you of each other.

Besides great and constant communication, here are other tips that’ll help to ease the anxiety you feel about this LDR.

Trust
When you can’t see each other, you can only believe what your partner tells you and vice versa. Therefore, please don’t allow your mind to wander off into some danger territory. By that, I mean unnecessary worries that he’s up to no good. Unless he has done something wrong, give him the complete and total trust. This is very helpful for him to focus on what he needs to do there too.

Discuss with your boyfriend and promise each other that you’ll be truthful and honest. And, keep to your promise.

Visit him
Since he’ll be there for another 2 years, would you be able to pay him a visit? Take it as a holiday.

Maybe both of you can start now by planning a date (one where both of you can take at least a week’s leave off from work). With a date fixed, it helps to do the rest.

You can research for the best deals, or keep a look out for any promotions that happen every now and then.

In the meantime, save, save, save!

And it’s good to have something to look forward to, isn’t it?

Commitment
Like I say, if you two are really committed to making this relationship work, you will do whatever it takes to overcome any obstacles that may come between. Finding ways to compromise on many issues is crucial when you can’t see each other.

If you have this, then I would say that you have half the victory with you already.

Continue your social life
Have a good support network of close friends and continue to socialise. You need to get accustomed to the fact that your boyfriend may not be able to be there for you physically at times when you needed him to, hence, having a good support network helps extremely well.

Personal Development
You can make use of this 2 years to pick up a new skill or indulge yourself in a new hobby. Was there anything that you have been wanting to do but you lacked the time when he was around? Now is the best time to do it! And when your special one is back, you can show your new talents to him proudly and let him see how you have changed for the better too. Isn’t this nice?

Hope the above helps. All the best to you JQ!

LOVE, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

I have been dating this guy for over 2 mths. we have been out over 10x and each date lasts at least 5-8hrs. some of them even over 12 hrs. 2 weeks ago, I asked him where we are heading and he said “I like you..very much in fact. but i am probably not ready to be in a relationship”. So I probed him the reason and he mentioned about his emotional baggage. So he is still in love with his ex gf who broke up 6 yrs ago. They are now both single and travel on holidays together and are “friends with benefits”.

I questioned why they aren’t back together then and he said they needed to work things out. She actually cheated on him 6 years ago but he still cares for her greatly and mentioned that he does want to marry her eventually and will give it till he’s 30 yrs ago (He’s 28 yrs old now) I accused him of toying with my feelings since he effectively is “in a complicated relationship” but he insisted he is single.  I got mad with him and ignored his calls, MSNs and text messages for 1 week.

Today, he MSNed me and tried to test the waters. He also said he plans to take Friday off so we can hang out the whole day together. I declined his invite since I do not want to be a backup to his ex…I also feel like hanging out with him incessantly like this will only make me fall for him more and be more miserable should things don’t work out. I still do feel strongly for him so it was very very upsetting for me to have to turn him down… Please advise how i should approach our relationship.  He obviously still wants to hang out as friends without commitment but I doubt I am able to handle this ambiguity…let me know. Thanks.” - Z

Dear Z

I doubt anyone would be able to handle such ambiguity in relationships, especially if you’re looking for a serious and committed one.

From the way things are now, there is no relationship between you two. You’re probably still in the courting phase. Obviously, you both have developed fond feelings for each other, yet he’s still tied to his emotional baggage, as you mentioned.

You deciding not to hang out with him until he clears his own indecisiveness is a very wise move. It shows that you know how to draw boundaries and to exert them. I’m glad you’re doing this.

Logic is telling you to make a wise choice, yet emotions are raging in your heart and urging you to go ahead and love this man. The choice is now clear: Logic or Emotions?

Each choice comes with a consequence.

If you go ahead and continue dating him, or even enter into a non-committal relationship, how prepared are you to accept his indecisiveness as you invest more of your love and emotions? Are you okay with him continuing with his ex on whatever basis they have agreed on?

If you stop now, you are sending him a strong message that until and unless he sorts out his own affairs, you and him will never be possible. Of course, during this period, you may go through a cycle of “grieving” for the loss of a potential romantic relationship. I won’t guarantee there won’t be heartaches, but I’m pretty sure that at the end of it, you’ll grow stronger and perhaps have a better idea of the kind of person to attract into your life!

Perhaps you can sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and the position that you’re taking? At least, you’re the one making the choice and not waiting passively for him.

At the same time, it’ll be great if he can receive some professional help to overcome his emotional hurdle.

But, even if he chooses not to deal with this, your life needs to go on.

All the best to you Z.

Enjoy the coming holiday.

Love, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

Hi, I am only 18 but I have lost all my confidence in guys. I first started having my first relationship when I was 16 and that was my last. I never did trusted another guy after because I felt that all they were saying were flattering and all lies. My first relationship was like a breeze, it came a little too soon and gone with the wind even before anything much started. It lasted for only three months. But I was into what he said, stuffs like “I love you till the end of time and space”, ” For you are the brightest star, no other stars I therefore see.” Please help me to regain my trust and confidence in men.” - P

Dear P

Sweet 18! Many girls your age are fantasising about being swept off their feet by their prince charming, and my heart goes to you for having to carry on such a huge burden from your last relationship.

The reason you’ve lost the ability to trust men could be due to the fact that your first boyfriend “betrayed” the trust that you had unequivocally given to him. You were not prepared for such a fast exit when you’re barely warmed up enough to relish in the joy that a first love usually brings.

Well, trust is one of the pillars that support a relationship. Without it, a relationship will usually crumble in time as it wouldn’t be able to withstand the many trials that life will surely bring.

Regaining trust and confidence in men, though takes time, is certainly achievable. Firstly, you can start by knowing that the fact that your first boyfriend had left you doesn’t mean that all men would behave like he did. Else we wouldn’t have so many happy and lasting marriages in this world, would we?

Secondly, I would like you to have confidence in yourself. That’s right, be confident. You probably are experiencing fear that you’ll be lied to, and in the process, lost your courage and confidence to believe in your ability to gauage a person’s sincerity again. Hence, your negative reaction to all men could be a way of protecting yourself.

P, I’d like you to know that, when you are denying people who could be sincerely complimenting you, you are actually telling yourself that you do not deserve to be praised. Is this true? Surely, there must be some truth in those “flatters”, right?

Learning to trust people takes time. You can begin doing so in baby steps. Do you have any closer guy friends? How’s your relationship with them? Is it good? Have they been honest to you all this while, but you’ve just chosen to ignore it?

A relationship doesn’t depend on feelings only to make it work. In fact, if it does, then we’ll have many broken relationships before we know it. A relationship works because both parties are truly and totally committed to making it work, even when those feelings of being in love is gone. But, you may be still young to fully appreciate what is love in a committed relationship. So, just know that perhaps, your first boyfriend probably meant it at that point when he said he loves you and you’re the brightest star. His issue is probably that he didn’t expect his feelings to change so fast, and, neither did you.

Life offers us many great experiences along the way. Not all lessons are sweet. In fact, many of them are bitter, and often times, give us heartbreaks. But that only means that we’ll become stronger and be a better person who knows how to love and be loved.

You can choose to take that first relationship as a good experience and move on, or you can choose to let that bad experience haunt you and be an emotional baggage that is weighing you down.

It’s your choice, because it’s your life.

May you begin to experience the beauty that having faith and confidence in yourself brings. Trust will come along naturally, if only you trust that it will.

Love, Kloudiia