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“Hi Kloudiia!

I met my BF during college, he was the uncle of one of my close friends. Since then we start getting to know each other by means of communication; texting, calls, emails, letters and chatting. Later on, we both agreed to be committed in a sense of online relationship.. so he become my BF for couples of months only, I broke up with him because I don’t want to be totally attached knowing that this relationship is not for real I always feel incomplete. I start longing for the real one.. someone that I can be with, someone I can hug and kiss, I can feel and see in personal. But unfortunately were in different side of the world.. he couldn’t find time to see me and be together thats why I decided to break up with him. Beacause it doesnt work out, I feel so bored in our realtionship. The break up was really good, we still friends after all.

After college, we go in our separate ways.. he got jobs in our country, and I luckily got a job abroad.. we lost communication after months but its like destiny that we met again online.. he found me in a website.. we start communicating again and same old story happpened “history repeat itself as what they called it” but then this time around I wouldn’t allow him to be part of my life more than as friends. I haven’t given him chance although he ask for it. I went home in our country for vacation only. And since we’re friends I agreed to meet him, we spend time together. We go out of town for weeks in islands with friends and spends weekends together. He always insist whenever he got chance to tell me he want second chance for our relationship, he keep on telling me that he will make it up this time. I said “NO” we better off as fiends.

But something happend that I really don’t expect.. we had sex and after what happened we still seeing and communicating with each other more and more. Time flies to fast and I have to go back to work, before my flight we talk and make things clear. He wanted to continue the relationship. And so we did long distance relationship.. but as our relationship was on going I heard many things about him from our friends that he was a GAY. My friends told me to break up with him. Even before,the first time I met him, I heard that issue already. But I just ignore it because we having online relationship not that too serious and its not really big deal knowing that I’m too young that time. I’m not that bother that much, but now I’m really bothered because I notice that as well during the time I was in our country and we spend time together. But its like its hard for me to believe i don’t know what stopping me to break up with him this time knowing his a gay. I really don’t know what to do? How would I know if he is really gay? How would I know if he really loves me or just using me to hide his real identity.

Thanks,
sweetangel”

Dear Sweetangel

This relationship, if it’s ever considered as one, sounds too complicated even for an adult, much less for a college student to be able to handle, really. In my opinion, you certainly don’t deserve to be in such a tricky situation.

There are more than one issue here that I can see, and the man’s sexual preference is just but one of them. The age gap is another issue. And he doesn’t seem to be mature in his thinking for someone his age. You didn’t mention how old he is, but since he’s the uncle of one of your classmates, I presume he’s a working adult while you’re still a college student. Hence in terms of knowing what he’s thinking and his real motives, you might have some degree of difficulty in reading his mind.

An online relationship sounds too far-fetched for anyone to be able to relate that to any form of connection between two people. And when he later found you again online, why is that considered as destiny when he knew too well there would be a high possibility of locating you on the “webosphere” (if I may invent this word) at this time and age when social networking sites are the norm for young people like you to make friends, to see and be seen? Gosh, even Barrack Obama can be found on Facebook. So, for your own sake, maybe you’d like to de-fantasize about this a little bit?

As at now, there are three things seeking your immediate attention. Let me put them in point form for your easy understanding:

1. Medical checkup. Since you’ve had sex with him, it’s advisable to go for a health checkup. I know this might sound ridiculous, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry. If possible, get a girlfriend or your mom to accompany you to the doctor. I hope you had protection during sex. 

2. Cut off ties. I know I shouldn’t sound imposing, however you know as well as I do how this situation is taxing you emotionally and mentally now. Does it really matter if he’s gay? How much do you know about this person to let him be part of your life in such an intimate way? How is his integrity like? His character? Is he an honest man? What good will come out from continuing this unclear relationship with him?  

3. Get support. You need to have a support network at this time if you were to be committed to have a clean cut with this person and get him out of your life totally. Have you considered confiding this issue with someone close to you and you know you can count on at a time like this? I hope you share a good relationship with your mother, for she’s naturally the best choice a daughter can hope to have to help you tide through this period. Otherwise, maybe you can consider getting a therapist. Is there any volunteer group in your town that provides such a service to college students?

You said you don’t know what is stopping you from breaking up with him. This, to me, only means that you are planning to break up with him. If my deduction is correct, then I must applaud you for making this decision. What is left now is for you to have that courage and determination to see it through. I forsee you’ll need to have a steel will to want him out of your life for he may not let you go so easily. Are you willing to walk away from this situation and move on with your life afresh?

You know only you can decide how to live your life, not anyone else, don’t you?

I hope you sit down and reflect upon this issue. What has this sort of relationship brought you so far? List down the good and the bad. Take a good look at them and see what are the lessons you can learn. 

If you need more help, please email me again.

I hope that you’ll have your life back in control again and I wish you all the best.

Love, Kloudiia

Now, you see this girl and your heart starts beating madly. You feel as if the whole world has stopped spinning for you, and now it’s your moment to let her know your feelings. It’s as if you can hear the music playing in the background, and your body feels light as a feather. You are now floating on cloud nine.

All of a sudden, the music stops. The silence is deadening, and the drastic change brings you back to reality in a sharp way.

You realise one missing piece from the whole jigsaw - you don’t know how to show your interest for her!

I remember this guy friend who is very chatty and loves flirting around with girls, until one time when I saw him humming and hawing in the presence of a girl. I was shocked and bewildered. Of course, I didn’t hide my shock from him. My look said it all.

I remember asking him: “Why are you so tongue-tied with that girl? Don’t tell me you - like - her?” “How did you know? You mean it’s very obvious?” he asked. “Well, yeah, you are not yourself anymore! So it’s either you like her or she likes you and you don’t! Ha ha… oh, I didn’t know you would have this day too! Ha ha ha …”

I didn’t mean to be so mean, really, but I couldn’t leave him without taking a jab at him. He growled at me, and asked: “So, do you have any tips for me? How do you find her?” 

Okay, we were both in junior college then, and I knew him from secondary school days. He has a glib tongue; everyone knows and can attest to this “virtue”. However, in the presence of his “goddess” as he called her, he went jelly. 

I gave him some tips, and I hope he find it useful. Fast forward to twenty years later (man, time flies!), maybe these tips will still come in handy for guys who still have their hair-standing, heart-stopping moments when coming face to face with their goddess, princess or simply, their girl of their dreams. 

It that’s you, then read on …

5 Tips To Show Your Interest For Her (without saying “I like you” to her)

1. Speak with your eyes. Look into her eyes for a full minute, if you can. Otherwise, 30 seconds is good enough too. No blinking, just pure gazing into her eyes. But please, do not stare at her as if you’re about to eat her up. Gaze at her as if you’re saying “You’re so beautiful” with your eyes.

2. Speak with your hands. Guide her along when you’re walking. Offer to help her with any heavy stuff she’s carrying. Block any “danger materials” that are flying towards her. Girls are very drawn to strong arms, so show off your strength!

3. Speak with your heart. Do you know how to give a good compliment? There are 3 easy steps to follow: 1 - Notice the one thing you like to compliment, e.g. her beautiful eyes. 2 - Tell her how her eyes make her light up and stand out among the crowd. 3 - Ask her a question. In this case, ask her if anyone has told her how lovely her eyes are? In order for these 3 steps to work, there is a critical pre-requisite: You are really sincere about it. That’s what I mean by “speaking with your heart”. A false compliment will only sound as it - fake and manipulative. Girls won’t fall for it.

4. Speak with your action. Action speaks louder than words! Show your interest by showing interest in all she says, what she does and what she likes. Then manifest it through little action like helping her to order her favourite drink and reminding the waiter the way she likes it: less sugar and no ice, for example.

5. Speak through your friends. It’s time to leverage on your network of friends. Express your admiration for this girl to friends who know her friends too. It’s just a matter of time that she gets wind of this guy’s crush on her. When you next brush shoulder with her, remember to smile and do Tip #1 immediately!

See, you don’t have to say “I like you” if that makes you go weak in your knees and threaten to put you in a temporary shock. Of course, it is undeniable that that would be the fastest way to show your interest to the girl. But, you may like to take comfort to know that, while that is the fastest, not all girls take to that! As the saying goes, different strokes for different folks!

Surprise! Surprise!

Buying gifts for your loved one is an almost sure-hit romantic trick to make him/her fall to their knees. Similarly, launching a surprise move or act on your partner will give them immense pleasure as well. Like throwing an unexpected birthday party with a theme of his fantasy or hobby would surely go way down in his memory.

However, after a period of sneaking around preparing for this big moment, you might get a rude ’surprise’ from your partner when you see the look of shock on their face when you shout “Surprise! Surprise!” You know well enough that that look wasn’t one of excitement.

Before you begin to feel depressed that you have failed as a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife terribly, take heart to know that you are, usually, not alone.

So how to surprise your loved one correctly so that they will receive it in exactly the intended form you planned for them - a sweet, nice, pleasant surprise?

The key is this - knowing them well.

Yes, you have to know your partner extremely well in order to make the right guess what they are wishing for in their hearts. How to know them really well? Use these 3 tips:

1. Listen - they may have casually mentioned about that wish, that unfulfilled dream or simply that iPhone they have eyed so long and is aching to have one. Or, they may be telling friends about how excited they’ll be if they can celebrate their wedding anniversary at Christmas Island. Get it?

2. Observe - pay close attention to your partner. Does his eyes light up when you mention F1? Does she clutch your hand tightly when she passes by the Korean popstar Rain?

3. Ask - when in doubt, always ask. Of course, you can practise lots of tact when asking so you won’t let the cat out of the bag. But at least you are sure that you are on the right track. 

Remember, pay attention to all the details, even down to the favourite colour for that particular item of your surprise. For example, she may love burning red roses but abhor blazing red pants. He may relish blue walls and shirts but squirm at blue suede shoes.

Lastly, if your surprise didn’t turn out to be the real deal, take that as feedback and make it a better one next time! As for you, if your partner meant to give you a surprise but somewhere alone the line messed it up a little, remind yourself that it’s the action, the love and the effort that truly counts.

I know, it can be a tad disappointing to see that you are not getting a white instead of blue because it is a telling sign on how much your partner actually knows you. Yes guys, ladies do use this as a way to gauge how much your love for them is, because by a woman’s standard, if you love her very much, you will know her very well.

But to all of you disappointed recipients of surprises, please, brush this aside and tell your partners sweetly that you appreciate their efforts. You do, don’t you? So focus on the thanks, and the rest will take care of itself.

“Hi Kloudiia!

Good day to you. Came across your website while surfing the net. Tried to send in my message through your website but was bounced back??

I was reading your article on ‘10 signs that he likes you’ and trying to recall if this guy that I met for the first time did what you mentioned.

He didn’t initiate the second date till today (it’s been a week plus since the first date) but occasionally when we meet online i.e. MSN, he will initiate the conversation, for a brief one and then log out to do his revision (he has a very important exam in September and kinda stressed up with that). Most of the time due to the quick conversation, we hardly chat things deeply but just a very casual one like ‘how’s day’..

So, my problem now is..I have a good impression on him, and wish to know how he feels about me, as from what I see now, he doesn’t seem to show more interest of knowing me. So, do you think I should do something to find out how he feels or just let it be (or at least wait after his exam)?? If you think I should find out, what do you think that I can do??

Is it true that girls should never initiate any date with guys as they will be turned off by that??

Hope to hear from you soon.” - YW

Dear YW

Ok, read this article ”Love Advice: 7 Tips & Strategies To Woo A Man Secretly” first if you haven’t done so already. Though the situation there may differ slightly from yours, have a grasp on the concept I shared in there and you’ll be in a better position when you need to come up with your strategy.

For now, let’s decipher his actions and see if we can find any clue to the answer in his heart. He has asked you on a second date. So that means he finds you good company. Though too soon to tell if that fondness can be further developed, at least one fact stands - you’re still in the game.

His lukewarm conversations on MSN could either be his character or as you’ve said, he needs to revise for an important exam. There are some people in this world who don’t relish chatting with someone and baring their hearts out while staring at a computer screen. They might be more interpersonal, and so MSN is only for very casual hi’s and bye’s.

Don’t read too much into his virtual habits. One thing you can take heart is he seems to always initiate a conversation with you. So this is a piece of good news. Even if he says hi to perhaps a hundred more girls at the same time is something we don’t know and won’t waste time in guessing. At least for this moment, these signs still look promising enough to pursue.

You know what, you have said something rather significant. I’m not sure if you know how important it is or not. You don’t really know him that well, do you? Since you guys hardly have any reasonable amount of time to chat about something deeper.

Do you think it matters to know him well enough before you decide if you should take further action? If you think it matters, then how about giving yourself some time now, while he is busy with exams, to list down what are the stuff you deem important to know. So that when the time comes, you are well-prepared.

If you are anxious now to see how high your chances are and unwilling to wait till exams are over, maybe you can engage him in some harmless flirting and banter. Not only can it help him to relax in the midst of tense studying, he may like to chat with you more! In the course of doing so, you’ve established yourself one place higher up in his heart.  

I’ll share this trick with you. During any conversation, when he mentions something or do something you find endearing, don’t let the golden opportunity slip by. Casually say things like “Oh that is so sweet/cool/smart/ingenious. This is what I’d look for in a partner,” and watch his reaction. If he’s also into you, he’ll probably return this favour.

I need to put a disclaimer here: Guys if you have read this and the next time a gal does this, please don’t embarrass her by asking her “Are you hinting to me you like me?” ok? Spare her the blush and react accordingly. She’ll be glad even if you don’t reciprocate her feelings.

To reply your last question, it’s alright now to let a guy knows how you feel towards him. He will only run for his life if you bite onto his tail and refuse to let go unless he returns your affection. There are ways for a woman to show her interest and in turn leads the guy into doing the chasing after all. *wink*

Last but not least, I’d encourge you to register to be in my mailing list. You might be interested in an upcoming seminar that you won’t want to miss out.

All the best to you YW.

Love, Kloudiia 

“Hi Kloudiia

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 year now. Both of us were divorcee and we are now 38 years old. We went through rough patches and tough times as both of us knew each other at the wrong time when we were still married to our own spouses. You may say we cheated on our spouses but back then both of our marriages were on the rock and were on the verge of divorce even before my boyfriend appeared.

Subsequently, last year March I had his baby but back then both of us were not officially divorced but separated from our spouses. But I was uncertain about this relationship even though he loves me alot and is ready to marry me and rush his ex wife for a divorce but I was still unsure because he can be unreasonable and his bad temper is a killer.

I was finding difficulty letting go of my son knowing if I will to give birth to the baby I would lose my son. In the end, I decided to abort the baby left my boyfriend D and go back to my husband and family. But after the abortion, I was so vulnerable, regretted my decision, felt extremely guilty and plus my husband was unable to accept me immediately back and D hated me and couldn’t forgave me and wanted to have a clean break with me. I was devastated and I pleaded D to forgive me. I cried day and night losing my baby and D. Then I realised that I do love D very much.

After one month of pleading and begging, he decided to give me a chance and we got back. In order to appease him, I gve up my son’s custody and requested for a divorce. But this one year plus was a tough and rough journey. He treated me nasty and lash out on me whenever he was frustrated. He kept bringing up the mistake that I have done. Having said that, he still make effort to call me daily, text me every morning to tell me he reached office and he loves me.

In June, we went for a holiday after that our relationship has progressed and we started to talk about our future of marrying at the end of last year. Then subsequently as the months past, I felt he has lost it again. In Sept last year, I couldnt take the uncertainty and change of his mood anymore that I flared up and left his house one of the weekend.

On Monday, he met up with his ex girlfriend whom he was with while he was still married. On Wednesday, I called him he was determined to break off with me and again I pleaded him telling him we can work things out. And so we were back again.

I asked him whether he was serious with me and want to marry me. He said yes but he is not ready financially and emotionally. I do sense he loves me alot. But he is just not ready to marry because he had a bad divorce. He was divorced in june and I was divorced in Sept last year. Then he promised me that this year, we will get a house and get married. I was so happy that finally he is ready to commit,

Perhaps I was too anxious and fearful that he will change his mind anytime so in Jan this year, I started to hound him like a mad dog. He was triggered and pull away as he was feeling extremely stress by me. We had alot of arguement every week since then till now.

Then we were doing fine and he brought me to jewelry shop for my dowry. In fact last year Sep he already got for me the wedding ring. Last week we had a big arguement again because again when I asked him whether he wanted to view flats, he kept delaying and I was indignant.

He told me he can’t trust me still, don’t have confident that our relationship will last and he is afraid of divorce again that he will lose out again. He is extremely fearful of marriage. Basically I don’t know what’s in his mind?

He even told me if his bonus is good this June then we will go maldives for holiday. Last year, he told me he will definitely bring me to maldives for honeymoon. But this year, I doubt its for honeymoon anymore.

Just a few days ago, he again told me we were not compatible and that I am too demanding and he complained everything about me. He really not happy and he just want to be alone. He told me if I still want to be with him then we will just cohabit as he wont step into a marriage anymore.

Next morning, he told me sorry he promised me that he will be positive and he told me he just too stress and he really feel like giving up everything; his work, classes and relationship. He don’t know why he is so negative. He asked me whether I can revert to my old self where we can joke, talk and laugh and where I was always cheerful. But now, it seemed we have nothing much to talk about, my face is always so sour and we don enjoy and its so bored being together.

I do love him alot.. along the way, I do try to give myself other opportunities because my emotion is always roller coaster.. his inconsistency makes me cry every other day and I am really going insane soon… I am not ugly, infact above average. But it seem its so difficult to find someone that can accept me being a divorcee with a son even though my son is not under my custody.. even with those who can accept may not necessarily have chemistry with them.. I feel so stuck in my siutations.. I wanted to jump out but I can’t… I wish he can change his mind about me and make a firm decision not changing all the time..

hope you can help me…

I hope you understand my feeling and his and help me to analyse the stiuation. What should I do? If i give him space will he revert back?

I really feel like going back to the family as my son needs me. But my ex has found someone and married. So what should I do? Even though, I love D, but I can’t trust he is willing to work on this relationship and have a future with me. Perhaps its my problem of trusting him but till now he didnt give me any assurance. I am suffering and torn apart.. I feel like a failure and have nothing now…

Now, he has made his stand clear that he won’t marry me because he has fear whether we can work things out. He is now distant and cold and very reserved but he still make effort to call and text me which I find its more of a responsibility than love. I can sense that he is seeing no future with me now and simply feels we won’t last long.

Please help me to analyse whether he is taking me as a sideline now. Awaiting for your reply. How should I apply your ebook and change his mind about me?

Thks. J”  - J

Dear J

I’m not sure if you are aware that you are very stuck in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Maybe you are, but you are still hidden behind an inflated belief that things will turn around and he will stand firm on his decision to love you, be with you and marry you.

You have to know if you need to move on or not. Ask yourself what needs to happen that will make you say “That’s it. I’m out of here”? Is that list a long one? Could you identify which one is the dealbreaker?

You and D have been through a lot, as compared to other couples in a more common relationship. Divorces notwithstanding, there was an abortion, lack of trust, insecurity, instability and also doubts and confusion to handle.

The emotional and mental stress you are bearing now is undeniably high, made worse by the various highs and lows during this period. Could this be why you are behaving so possessive and unbearing towards him?

You have come to a time where your relationship has reached a plateau. He is not willing to commit to marriage. So, my question is: what are you hoping to get out of this relationship? Marriage? Companionship? Love? Affection? What is the most important one for you? Are you getting it? Do you think you will ever get it? What does it take for you to get it? What does it take for you to do something about this when you don’t get it?

Yes, I’ve asked a barrage of questions, and I really need you to look at them not just as questions, but keys to opening the lock in your heart right now. At this point, nothing short of complete, honest and yes, maybe brutal truth can do the trick.

You see, if you aren’t aware yet, the problems you are facing here come as a result of individual issues that you and D are struggling with. He has his own obstacles (emotional and financial) to overcome and you have your inner woes to soothe. Hence it’ll be necessary for you to take this time out and rechannel your focus and energy to sort things out within yourself first, before you can see where this relationship is leading you to, or not bringing you anywhere near your desired outcome.

As for your son, I’m not sure how estranged you are from him now, or not. Have you been seeing him regularly? What else can you do for him, since you say he needs you?

If there is no driving force you can leverage on to clear out your issues, I hope your son can be it. I believe you want to be in the right emotional state to see him now and be with him. So, maybe it’s time that you use this love for your son to propel you and do something for yourself.

Sounds like lots of work is to be done here, I know. If you are open to engaging a professsional to assist you along, I’m here.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

P.S Divorcess still have a great chance of achieving a successful, loving and lasting relationship the second round. There have been cases to prove this. So do not be dishearten about the fact that your previous marriage had failed, because that should only mean you have more experiences and lessons learnt, which will only do you good than bad.

“Kloudiia

Hi, I was just browsing around and found your website. Ii read your article about “Is it over?” and I found it very helpful although I knew all those facts anyway. But I was talking to this guy for about 9 months and he recently told me in the most horribbe way that he no longer loves me the same. It really hurt me but what was worse was that it seemed like it wasn’t a big deal to him.

Anyways he wanted to be friends and things to remain the same and I eventually agreed to it. A few weeks ago I saw him and later that night we spoke (btw he lives in another city) and he seemed to be his old self again we actually had a good conversation. And he hinted that his old feelings were returning but said that if he “said anything things would change” we rarely spoke after that and a few days ago he said “I love you, you’re so funny” and things haven’t been the same.

He doesn’t call anymore and always has an attitude. I’m trying my best to move on but he gives me mixed signs and hurts me so much. Please help I have no one else to talk to. Thanks” - S

Dear S

Clearly, you still haven’t gotten over this guy. Otherwise I bet you’ll give him the same antics and make him feel as miserable as you now. Or maybe not, and I’ll be proud of you if you didn’t.

How to get you out of this vicious cycle? Apparently if you have read my post “Are We Over?“, then you would have known that his behaviour can be found literally all over the article. He is there, isn’t he?  

So what is it that you are still holding on to with the belief that this could actually be more than over?

Yes he hurt you. But aren’t you the one who is allowing him to hurt you more by granting him this permission? By attaching your emtions strongly to every word he says and every thing he does is equivalent to surrendering your power to him.

Talk is cheap. In this instance, talk is free. So while he doesn’t incur any liability by sprouting those “I love you” words loosely, you are actually classifying them as precious assets. And you aren’t even depreciating them over time!

I know you still like him and that’s why you are not prepared to give him up totally yet. What does it take for you to do that? A new relationship? Courage? Faith? Support? Or just a rude wake-up call?

How can you get all these resources for you to wipe him out from your love balance sheet and restore your bottom line back to seeing black instead of red? Think about this, and write down all the possible people you can go to, places you can visit, books you can read, advices you can seek or things you can do to take back your power and gain control of your emotions.

When you have done that, then you are ready to live your life with you as the centre and not him anymore.

All the best S. You can do it, you know? But you need to first want this freedom, otherwise even angels can’t save you from freaking out again when the next text message arrives with yet another amorous-and-noncommittal note.

Last but not least, from what I know, guys who are sincere in a committed relationships just, don’t, do all these, get it?

Love, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

What if you don’t really like a person, but people say that you and the person make a cute couple? There’s this guy in my class. We argue almost everyday about random things. There are some days where I can’t stand him. Other days, he’s just fine when he shuts up. Geez, it’s like we’re an old couple how we act. I don’t know what this is: lust or just friends. Please help!” - AG

Dear AG

When someone can describe their relationship with another person as if they are an “old couple”, to me that sounds like perfect chemistry and nothing short of that! Yet the first thing you say is you don’t like him in your email. Hmm, you are confused indeed. Irony! Irony!

What makes you say you don’t like him, and if you are sure of this, then why are you confused over the status of your friendship? 

Ok, to give you benefit of the doubt, I shall assume you don’t dislike him to the extent to tick him out of your potential boyfriend list.  So let’s talk something something more exciting - lust, love or?

Whether or not is it lust depends on how you see this guy. Are you wildly attracted to him that you can’t wait to tear off his clothes and want to kiss him to death? If you’re not, then you can be at peace. Lust is not in the picture.

While lust can be so easily identified, we can’t say the same about this though - infatuation. Do you like him as a normal friend or is there something that is already in the brew and yet you are still not in the know?

What are the random things that you argue about? Are they of any significance to you knowing him better as a person? Do these arguments tell you something about his values?

Equally important is how do you quarrel? You may not pay attention to this since I believe those are on the spur moments, but maybe you can take note of this when the next spat occurs.  Why is this important? Because it’s another way of qualifying if he is a gentleman or a cad.

How do you care for and about each other? From here you can also probably tell if its a platonic friendship or if its really going somewhere.

Since you guys are still schooling, you can just take this slow and probably let nature run its course. At times, when you want to hurry, you may spoil that nice, tingling, bitter-sweet feeling of wandering in the grey area and about to step out into the real romance zone.

Don’t fret on this AG. Focus on your studies, and the rest will take care of itself. So long as you don’t kill each other after each argument, I guess both of you will be fine.

Lastly, if you’re so bothered by what people say, have you asked them why they label the two of you as a “cute couple”? Maybe there really is something that you are blind to… Isn’t it time to open your eyes now girl?

Love, Kloudiia

“Dear Kloudiia,

I was not having high expectations when I thought of penning my problems to you. But, I thought maybe some third party person could provide me some explanations.

And, maybe a love coach can do that…

I’ve been married for about 6 years now. Our relationship hasn’t been plain sailing since before our marriage. Our conversations are few and often short and uninteresting. Perhaps such intense relationship had developed over the years into what it is today. Now we talked even less, sometimes less than 5 exchanges in a day, and limited to short greetings or Q&As.

For me, I sometimes dreaded starting a conversation with her, as my first question was met with either a undeserved rebut or rude reply. I don’t think a simple question warrants such kind of behavourial reply. You could say that I’m not trying hard enough or not able to say the right things at the right time, but I’m just too tired to think further.

We have a child who is still young but very attached to her. I had thought having a child will give her more purpose in life and possibly improve our couple relationship. But, the much time spent between themselves has at many times cause her unnecessay stress and as a result, flaring tempers and tiredness showed up.

We have even stopped having any intimacy for a few years now. I’m taking a passing day as just a day with little purpose. Perhaps the joy of seeing our child growing up is what has been keeping the family together, albeit just under a roof.

I don’t think I will open up to her about the tensions, not in the years before, and not now.

Please tell me how to find more purpose in life and perhaps improve on the tensions we are living in.

With best regards,

Tired Man”

Dear Tired Man

You do sound tired, to the point of almost giving up. Well, I’m glad you’re still holding on, evidenced by the fact that you are sending me this email.

You are absolutely experiencing some huge challenges in the communication with your wife, and according to you it started way before your marriage. You do understand that both you and your wife are making a grave mistake in one of the most critical areas to maintain a marriage, don’t you?

Do you know what is your wife thinking about when she replies you in a undeserving way? Are you aware of her feelings and what is she experiencing when she is being nasty to you? Have you guys ever sat down and look at the issues that are tearing the two of you apart?

No matter how much you may abhor the idea, I’m afraid you have to do the talk. I understand it is going to be hard on you, as I’m sure it will be on her since the tap to an ongoing conversation has been padlocked for some time. But, someone has to take the first step. Since you are already sending this email, why don’t you take one more step further and make the move?

Don’t rush into things too quickly. Give yourselves some time to warm up to the idea of speaking to each other, and when the atmosphere is more harmonious and peaceful, then you can bring up one issue. Remember, one issue at a time. Don’t attempt to lump everything together. All you’ll get is another heated argument, or a prolonged cold war with no peace treaty in sight.

Bear in mind that the purpose of the talk is not to interrogate her, but to re-discover and to get to know your wife all over again. Only when someone isn’t made to feel that she is cornered will she feel safe and comfortable to bare her heart.

I believe that Secret #32: Arguing Without The Hurt, Secret #35: Ask - Because You Could Cement Your Relationship With This and Secret #45: Fixing The Leaks Before The Dam Bursts in my book “The 69 Love Notes” will come in pretty handy for you.

A person’s hostile attitude towards another usually doesn’t happen overnight. There has to be some sort of unhappiness that is brewing without a legitimate outlet for venting which leads to the accumlation of “emotoinal toxins” inside this person. What have you observed about her that could possibly be the cause of her coldness towards you? What was your role in this?

Have you been good enough to her? How good is good, and what is good is something that you should know by now. If you don’t, could it then be the reason why she is behaving like this?

Having a child in the home will no doubt cheer both of you up separately, but what you really want is a happy and loving union of the whole family unit, am I right? So don’t give up hope, until you have done your very best.

To find a purpose in life, we first need to ascertain what is important to us. What do you treasure? Your health, career, family, love, friendship, recognition?

You have to first take responsibility of your life before you can seek out the purpose to continue the way you are living it for. That’s what a purpose is for, isn’t it? Like a company’s mission, when spelt out clearly, every employees will follow that general direction and strive for excellence in their own unit.

As for the intimacy, well, you know as well as I do that when the communication bridge has finished its reconstruction and is firm and sturdy, then the time will come.

For now, focus on rebuilding the bond first.

I wish you, your wife and your child well.

If you find this journey rather challenging and you believe in the value of having a personal coach to assist you in exploring the options and designing strategies to achieve your outcome, please feel free to contact me. I’ll be in touch with you shortly when I receive your email.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

Came across your website and thought I might need some advice.

You probably hear this alot, but I’m having problems getting over a certain incident in the past involving my boyfriend and another girl.

He kinda told me a different and more ‘innocent’ side of the story which I truly believed. And since then, he changed slowly and things began to seem brighter and more promising between us.

But recently, I was told the actual story of their affair by a true witness who didn’t want to tell me then due to not wanting to see me hurt.

And let me tell you, my heart sank to the ground. I seriously cannot accept what they’ve done and the fact that my boyfriend lied about the whole thing. Problem is, things are getting so well between us now and bringing up the issue would risk another break up.

But the issue won’t stop ringing in my head. I need to hear the truth from him. And this will help me decide if I can really trust him again and if we can really continue our relationship and future plans. Because right now, I really doubt so.

Help?” - Y

Dear Y

The truth hurts. I’m sure you’ve heard of this saying before. How very true it is, isn’t it? Yet, we humans cannot not find out the truth, because to resist that is akin to resist the natural force of gravity. It is in us to see that we know the truth.

Like it or not, the cat has been let out of the bag and you cannot pretend not to see it. This instance has created a big knot in your heart which is making it heavier as days pass. You know as well as I do that you have to sort this conflict out if you still want to keep this relationship.

By doing so, you definitely risk facing a break up. So you have to ask yourself if staying in this relationship when your trust in him has begun to erode is going to work? If you know it won’t, then it’s only a matter of time that it will self-terminate as quarrels begin to surface more frequently due to your inability to trust him anymore. This is one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

When he does tell you the truth, how far are you willing to go to forgive him and forget about this entire incident? You have to know this answer well enough because this will determine how willing he is to divulge all the details which he was adamant at keeping from you in the first place.

So ask yourself what is the outcome you want to see for yourself and this relationship? Because you already know the truth, but you want to hear it from the horse’s mouth. If you don’t think you’ll be able to accept this deception, then how does knowing the truth from him make any difference?

And if you’re going to speak to your boyfriend about it, maybe you can also ask him the intention of not telling you the truth and his recent behaviour towards you and your relationship now. Hopefully this can gain him some brownie points and to help you to walk the path of forgiveness easier and smoother. 

I wish you all the best Y. If at the end of the day, your aim is to keep the relationship and you need to work on forgiving him and rebuilidng your trust for him again, coaching will be a useful tool you can consider using. Let me know then and we’ll see what we can work out for you, ok?

Love, Kloudiia

Technorati Tags: cheating, infidelity, trust, rebuilding trust, dating and relationship, forgive and forget

Your mum has constantly reminded you that whenever a stranger knocks on the door, don’t open it. Whenever a stranger approaches you, don’t speak to them. Don’t take sweets from strangers. Most importantly, don’t follow a stranger home.

Your mum is right - if you are still a three year old. Or anything less than the legal age required to buy a pack of cigarettes, or watch a R(A) movie.

Now, Kloudiia says you have to talk to strangers! In fact, you need to learn how to strike up a nice and easy conversation with a stranger so that you will leave a deep and lasting impression when you part ways. And the more strangers you talk to, the more at ease you will be when you ultimately meet the one. Yes, the one who will make your heart race and your body temperature to shoot up.

If you never learn how to talk to a stranger, how are you going to master the art of dating? Isn’t dating supposed to be meeting strangers and getting to know them before you decide if they are worth investing more time to explore if they fit into the long-term partner criteria?

Unless of course, you only allow yourself to talk to someone who is a friend of your friend as technically speaking, this person isn’t that totally foreign to you. In this case, you’re stuck with only one avenue of meeting potential partners - blind dates arranged by people you know. This already shrinks down your circle, because you can only cast your net this wide.

If there is any bit of the old adage of “Never talk to strangers” that still holds true and relevant in one’s single adulthood, it would be one additional piece of wisdom - “Never talk to suspicious strangers”.

If your intutition tells you that something could be wrong with this person you are facing, listen and trust your gut feeling. Run for your life! Remember to take along your bag and call your mom! (Alright, I’m joking about calling your mom, but I’m serious about running)

Otherwise, if this clean-shaven, tidily dressed and courteous gentleman walks up to you and chats you up, answer back! Or if this pleasant-looking lady is giving you a smile from across the table, smile back and maybe, walk over to say hi.

There is nothing wrong to talk to a stranger. In fact, there is everything wrong if you start behaving like some paraniod 3-year-old kid who fears that this person who could be remotely interested in you is actually coming after your money or body, or both, then it’s time to take out that pair of scissors. Cut off the apron strings from your mom now!

You are an adult, and please use your own better judgement to discern if this stranger is someone worth strking up a conversation with and getting to know him/her better for the sake of your future happiness.

When you are comfortable in knowing that it’s perfectly alright and fine to speak to a stranger, then you can pick up the skills to artfully know the right things to say at the right time to create the magic effect.

So, start to be watchful of your surroundings. You never know when Mr or Miss Gorgeous will be just around the corner, waiting for you to be spoken to.

[tags]striking a conversation, talking to strangers, meeting new people, dating, singles, making first appraoch, how to talk to stranger[tags]