She’s Hot, He’s Not! A Sexless Marriage
“Kloudiia
I had ROM 2 years back and has been staying separately with my husband, spending only weekends at his place. We usually make love 2-3 times a month. We had our customary marriage in Dec 2007 and had our first sexual intimacy on the 2nd day after the wedding. Since then, he has not shown interest in making love or shown much interest in touching me. Previously, even if we didn’t make out, he will still touch me. I feel so deprived and don’t know how to broach about the topic. I’m beginning to feel the relationship is getting unhealthy without sexual intimacy but we are not on any cold war or quarrel ground.” - J
Dear J
Though unusual, but your husband is definitely not the only one who is behaving like this after he got married. I hope you find some comfort knowing this.
There are many reasons leading to his low libido. Some of them could be:
- Stress. Work related stress is usually one of the main culprits for a low sex drive. Or he could be worrying about other stuff, like the finances. Think carefully and see if there are some areas in your life now after marriage that could be stressing your man out that he is too focused on that even you in bed is not a distraction to him anymore.
- Physical condition. Is he suffering from any ailment now that could result in his non-performance? As much as you are shy to broach on this topic, your husband may be embarrassed too to admit that he is temporarily unable to make love to you. Maybe this is why he is not even touching you, as he’s afraid that you will take it as more than just a touch and wants to bring it further.
- Low sexual drive. Be prepared that he could be one of the few guys with a very low sexual urge. I’ve known couples who only have sex once every 2-3 months. I’m not sure if he falls in this category, so you need to ask him. If he is, then both of you need to talk about it and come to an agreement on the frequency of your sexual activities.
Your husband’s lack of interest may be due to one of the reasons above, or none of them. I don’t know, neither will you if you choose to remain silent about this issue.
I know you are shy to talk about this, given the values that you could be implanted into when you were young that women shouldn’t take the initiative in sex or you will be seen as immoral. But, this is not any Tom, Dick or Harry you are with. He’s your husband! The man whom you are closest to and will be with you for the rest of your lives.
Nothing is not communicable. Which also means everything has to be communicated! So you have to take the first step and let him know that you too, have your need. That you too crave for the sexual intimacy with him to express and release that deep love you feel for him. That you too love to make love with him.
In the process of doing so, make it safe for him to tell you what could be the most intimate thing that he is about to share with another person. Be supportive, and not interogative. Be concerned, and not demanding.
Who knows, he could also be wondering why it never bothers you that you aren’t making noise at all till now!
But if there really is some serious problems after you two had talked about it, maybe you might like to consider going to a professional sex therapist. I’m sure they can help.
Last but not least, stay optimistic, and be understanding. If you need more help after you have spoken to him, you can always contact me.
All the best to you and may your marriage flourish and stay loving and lasting!
Love, Kloudiia
[tags]sexless marriage, love and marriage, low sex drive, communication[/tags]
