How Do I Date Without Getting Hurt
“Dear Kloudiia:
Hi! My name is M and I’m a 19-year-old student at the University of (Kloudiia: name deleted). I’m out-going, active, and I do some modelling on the side. Not to sound conceited or anything…:#) but I would say I’m pretty well-rounded. But I’m nonetheless completely troubled about relationships to a point that sometimes I feel that I have bad luck with dating, which is completely ludicrous but as I get my heart broken more and more times I’m starting to believe that it’s true.
First of all I find it hard staying single, I’m not exactly a socially independent person and I get attached really fast and gets clingy and paranoid really easily. I have noticed a clear pattern in my dating life, that is I start off by meeting the guy, and he would automatically start to pursue me, after I accept his offer of a date we go out get to know each other, and then comes the “honey moon” phase where everything is perfect and he seems really into me which usually lasts about 1 or 2 months and then ends. Then comes the hard part where he (usually) thinks about how we’ll turn out and then decides we won’t work out in the long-run and we break up.
I’ve just broken up with a guy recently, he is really something to me, and he confessed to me his feelings as well. He’s a bit of a “single guy”, he is a lawyer and quite a catch so he went into this thing with me thinking we’ll just be a fling, I was looking for fun as well for that it was my first year in University and I wanted to experiment.
So he took me out and we had a great time, but then he confessed that he was falling for me but he was in limbo because he did not want a relationship but he wanted me. He said things such as he didn’t want boyfriend duties, and he was too busy for obligations, such and such. I was cool-headed thinking that I have him and I can play hard to get so I told him that I have an ex-boyfriend coming here to see me from (Kloudiia: another state) which is true and he did come in the end and the worst thing happened, they bumped into each other at a night club.
But even before that incident, he told me that he had decided to back out because the side of him not wanting a relationship is taking over and he had decided to back down because he doesn’t want to get hurt. He also added on that he doesn’t like baggage, which in this case is my ex-boyfriend. There’s of course a lot of other complications in our situation, the fact that he is 10 years my senior made it difficult, and he confessed that’s also a factor in his decision making.
So now after all this a question arises in my head, since I’m not at an age where I should be considering marriage, how do I date without getting hurt? How do I go out with a person, and test the waters out to see if they ARE right for me knowing that if they AREN’T perfect for me I’ll get my heart broken. I want to have fun and I want to see who and what’s out there for me, but at the same time I need security and long-term commitments.
I have friends that are already setting their sights on marriage, and will not get into anything unless they know that person has the potential for a future together. I’m not sure that is the best way to do this, because for instance I start dating someone and we find each other extremely compatible, and then a few years down the road we realize we’re not perfect for each other and I leave with a broken heart. Please let me know, I am DESPERATE for an answer! :)” - M
Dear M
It looks like you have your plate full, sensing from this email. Let me split the issues up.
Firstly, your issue of falling in love easily.
What is it that you are craving for inside you that makes you want to get attached with someone? What your email is telling me is you don’t really have any long breaks in between your relationships. So could you list down all the emotions that you are experiencing on a piece of paper when you are single vs that when you are attached? This exercise will help to put some perspectives in clearer for yourself.
I’m happy for you that you have already discovered your pattern in life when it comes to dating. So how are you using this piece of information to work for you, and not against you? That is to say, what have you done so far to prevent yourself from getting too clingy, paranoid and falling in love too easily and quickly?
There are methods you can employ to work on this area. Let me know if you want to do it, ok?
Secondly, the lawyer and your ex-boyfriend.
This looks like a closed clase. So maybe you can make use of this to reflect about what have you learnt from this episode?
Thirdly, how to date without getting hurt?
You mentioned fun, security and long-term commitment. I take this to mean that these 3 values are the top-most important ones you are looking for in a partner. That’s great! You know what you want!
Now, can all these 3 values come together in one person? Many people, maybe including you, wrongly assume that a fun person will tend not to commit or provide security. Whether or not a man is willing to commit depends on factors such as his age, level of maturity and how seriously in love he is with a girl that he is willing to give up the others and to focus on building a relationship with only one. He still can be a very fun person to be with.
Now how to know if he possess such values to meet your criteria? Very simple. Just observe and communicate. Ask him questions that will check on his integrity and character. Observe how he behaves with other people. Notice his body language when he is giving his opinion on those topics. These are all tell-tale signs about a person. Whether or not he is willing to commit is something that you can ask him directly. Doing this not only helps you to decide sooner if you are going to spend more time with him, it also conveys a message to him that you are looking for commitment, and if he isn’t, then both of you don’t fit with each other.
M, having a long-term relationship takes more than just the falling-in-love feeling of excitement and fun, which will definitely wear off. It’s just a matter of how much time it takes for the effect to turn bland and dull. It requires lots of patience, understanding, accomodating and communication to make things work between two people. It is hard work, I hope you know this now. But the results of having a lasting and loving relationship are much more satisfactory and extremely rewarding.
I hope you have fun exploring the different types of guys you meet, and at the same time, bring you closer and closer to the ultimate special someone who will be with you for a long, long time.
Love, Kloudiia
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