I’m Stressed Out Over My Girlfriend’s Ultimatum!
“Kloudiia
Hello. Maybe I am just having a troubled day but I am looking around for help with my problems. I’m sorry to bother you. But I read some of your advice to other people and it sounded good.
Here are the basics of what I am looking for help with.
Five years ago I met a girl online playing a game together, we fell in love and talked on the phone every day for many years. We broke up for a year, got back together for a year, and now she wants to marry me.
Problem is she wants me to go up to Canada to live with her. I am a US citizen and that is a barrier but it can be passed. I feel like I need to go to college first though so I can support her better. At least a 2 year degree, you know?
I do not think she is willing to wait for me to do this, but I think it would be best for us. Maybe I am just making excuses like I say but I dunno.
To add to this she seems really emotionally stressed lately. She got ill and I think her stress is rubbing off on me more than usual. Mostly with her having asked me to please decide on this matter of moving or not. Maybe we should be friends she says.
I’m… nervous in short. Most of the time I love her, but today I don’t. I am too wishy washy and it drives me nuts.
Do you have any advice? I’m sorry for troubling you.” - J
Dear J
So you now have a make or break decision to make, are you not? That must be stressful, because from what I’m reading, I guess you are still a pretty young lad who hasn’t really seen the world enough.
Getting married is a big thing, to me. Saying the marriage vows is not just about reading out the words, but really understanding the meaning behind it and what it entails for you and your partner for the rest of your lives.
It is a consolation that you are considering this issue more seriously and more in-depth than your girlfriend when you suggest going for a college degree so that you will be better off financially. Why then isn’t she seeing this point and giving you her support? Is there something that is bothering her which you aren’t aware of? Because at times, when a woman is pressing for marriage, what they are looking for could be other forms of security like commitment, or maybe a status.
How about an engagement? That’s provided you are sure of your feelings towards her and she towards you, and that you will choose to love her even when she can be quite difficult to handle with on some days, like this day you wrote to me for example.
Before rushing into marriage, I suggest both of you take a marriage preparation course. This will help the two of you to sit down and look at real-life issues that will matter a lot in a marriage. Things like values on various issues like family, finance, time, children etc. How much do you know about each other’s values and how are they in line? What about goals?
Have a good talk with her, and let her know how you feel towards marriage and how you feel towards her. Not agreeing to getting married now is not equivalent to you not loving her anymore. If this is what you are thinking of, then you should get her on the same page and understand you, not bending backwards to say “I Do” prematurely.
I’m not sure how much time do you spend with each other physically and not through a virtual space like the Internet or phone calls. If you guys haven’t been seeing each other at all, or only once in a blue moon, then maybe you would like to seriously consider relocation if keeping this relationship is in your cards, because that could be the reason why she wants to marry you. So that she could finally see and touch you!
All the best to you J. May you find the peace you need.
Love, Kloudiia
[tags]dating & relationship, marriage, ultimatum, getting married[/tags]
