Split Between Two Women
“Dear Kloudiia
I have a girlfriend of 4 years. Recently, I started a hobby of blogging about social issues and through it, I got to know this girl M. Fast forward to 1 month later, I realise that I have fallen for M very deeply. I have told my girlfriend about this and we have discuss a lot on this. She wants me to pursue my happiness but at the same time to continue to love her. Now, mentally I have already decided that I wish to woo M, but at the same time, I still love my girlfriend. I know that it will be very unfair if I’m indecisive on who I wish to be with. On one hand I wish to be with M to see what lies in the future. On the other hand, I do not wish to hurt my girlfriend.
My girlfriend says that asking her to move on is a typical solution that won’t work for her. What she wants is for me to continue to love her and provide comfort when she needs it.
M says that what we have is special but the fact that I can leave my girlfriend of 4 years means that it may happen again. And to top it all off, M is also not sure what she wants. She also suggested that I stay with my girlfriend and continue to be friendly with M.
Some guys will think that I have the best of both worlds. 2 women willing to share me with someone else but I do not think it is great. Currently I am in the process of hating myself for being human. I do wish that all these never happen. That both women do not love me. That would be the best for me.” - DL
Dear DL
First of all, Happy New Year!
I certainly can feel how torn you must be experiencing right now, and yes, I agree with you that being in such a situation isn’t really a cause for joy, much to your friends (I’m quite sure they’re guys, right?) disappointment.
First and foremost, stop hating yourself! The fact that you can’t make a decision now doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. And you know as well as I do that you are far from one, and that’s why both girls are willing to work out such an arrangement in order to enjoy your personalised attention and maybe, affection?
Now comes the pill that’s probably hard for you to swallow. As much as you are procrastinating on it, I’m afraid you have to make a decision. It’s a MUST. I’m sorry, there are no other solutions. Because if you continue to go on like this, all 3 of you will be hurt more deeply than if you were to make up your mind now and choose to be with one. (or none?)
No one can foresee what the future lies, and it’s understandable that you’re curious about how you and M would be if you were an item. Yet, is this the most intriguing part of your relationship with her? Because if it is, I’m afraid it’s a bad reason to begin a relationship! You’ll always end up wondering what will it be like to be with someone else if that person comes along and attracts you like how M did now!
Or is there something else that makes you so intensely attracted to her? What is it? Is it her intelligence? Her wit? Her charm? Her ability to strike a conversation on a topic that interests you deeply (Since you mentioned you knew her from your blog)?
Does your girlfriend have all these traits too? If yes, then why aren’t you appreciating them? If not, then why aren’t you communicating to her that you like to be able to discuss issues close to your heart with her every now and then?
Because what you’re experiencing now is a huge dose of chemicals in your brain that is causing you to think of nobody else but M. So, you may not be even thinking about how to mend the drift between you and your girlfriend.
Yes, you’re in love (no doubt!), AGAIN, but that’s not what is going to make a relationship sustain through time and allow two parties in that relationship to grow concurrently.
Have you given some time to think about your current relationship with your girlfriend? Usually, when one party has a change of heart, instead of using the time to figure out whether or not your future will be rosier with the new person, why aren’t you looking inwards at yourself and your current relationship? If there isn’t anything broken, you wouldn’t be seeking for a replacement right? So what has broken down between you and your girlfriend? What is it that you want now which you may not want it before?
Regardless of what arrangements both ladies want, it’s up to you to decide what YOU want. Your girlfriend wants to keep you by her side, while M is afraid to be committal right now. So, before you make this decision, ask yourself what does a relationship mean to you? What do you expect to get from it? And what can you offer to a relationship? Are you already doing it now? Can you do better?
When you have all these answers, you’ll probably know what decision to make.
That’s all I have for you now. If you need some personalised assistance, you may consider taking up coaching. Drop me an email and I’ll get in touch with you.
Things will surely get better DL, when you decide to make a choice. Whatever choice you make, it’s always better than being stuck where you are now, because at least you have a direction from there.
All the best to you and may you and your family enjoy a happy 2009 ahead!
Love, Kloudiia
