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Unknowingly and without any prior rehearsal, both of us clasped our palms and placed them below our chin as we chatted with the guy sitting across the table. It would have been brushed off as nothing unusual, except that I suddenly had this discovery – we were in rapport!

Stuart and I were in an exact same position. Though for only one minute, it said something about us. And this something, is in my opinion, what every single is looking for in a date – chemistry.

It has always been my stand that chemistry is not the heart-beating feeling you get when you meet someone on the first date, but something that is developed through time. This feeling is more of attraction than chemistry. 

Chemistry is that unspoken tact you share with a person. If the bond you have with another person is the channel that connects both of you, then chemistry is the fluid that flows interchangeably between the two of you. This fluid carries emotions and thoughts from one person to another, making them in tune and in sync with each other.

How do we build chemistry? If according to those people who insist that chemistry is that heart-beating feeling or that “you’ll know it when you first see the person” mentality, then chemistry is not something that is built over time, but is something that you either have it, or you don’t.

But what these people fail to realise is when you think you have chemistry with this person whom you just met, you are actually in rapport with him/her. If this person is skilled at building rapport with people, then chances are almost everyone will feel that they have chemistry with him! But that doesn’t necessarily mean these people know what he’s thinking of if he doesn’t say it out. However, someone who really has chemistry with him would most probably guess what is going on in his mind at a certain time.

When someone is attracted to another person, they experience some chemical reactions in their brains. Our brains emit this chemical – dopamine – that gives you pleasure and make you happy. And that is chemistry! But this is derived from another component – attraction. You feel this chemistry because you’re attracted to this person. Furthermore, if he/she builds rapport with you within the first 5 minutes, you’ll then feel as if you’ve known him/her for half a century. Again, you attribute this to chemistry. In actual fact, it is attraction plus good rapport, and these don’t add up to be known as chemistry (though it’s a great start to developing excellent chemistry!).

So the next time when you go on a date and you don’t feel anything special going on, do not brush the person off with that same, old reason - ”no chemistry”. Give each other a second chance to meet up again and find out more. Who knows, the chemistry might begin to develop once you’ve hit a common ground.

But if you are insistent that nothing good will come out of the dates, then at least do yourself a favour by admitting that your date isn’t attractive enough to live up to your expectations. In this way you make progress by knowing that you have a certain standard to measure up to with regards to physical outlook. And being able to know and acknowledge this is already taking a step ahead in your search for that special someone! At least now you know the reason why you guys have “no chemistry”, right?

On another note, if you and your date have absolutely nothing much in common, can’t hold a conversation decently for more than 5 minutes or one of you displays a certain behaviour that just about hit the alarm button of the other party, then I’d say, yes, move on to another person.

And when you meet someone with whom you feel you can instantly click with, congratulations! However, do not forget to still find out more about this person, because he/she may just be an expert in rapport-building and is probably very attractive who makes you feel good but may not be the right one for you after all.

And if you’re wondering if you can learn how to build rapport with anyone at anytime, the good news is – yes, you can. In fact, anyone can! And this is one of the things that I teach in my programmes and seminars as well.