Stuck In An Ambiguous Relationship
“Kloudiia
I have been dating this guy for over 2 mths. we have been out over 10x and each date lasts at least 5-8hrs. some of them even over 12 hrs. 2 weeks ago, I asked him where we are heading and he said “I like you..very much in fact. but i am probably not ready to be in a relationship”. So I probed him the reason and he mentioned about his emotional baggage. So he is still in love with his ex gf who broke up 6 yrs ago. They are now both single and travel on holidays together and are “friends with benefits”.
I questioned why they aren’t back together then and he said they needed to work things out. She actually cheated on him 6 years ago but he still cares for her greatly and mentioned that he does want to marry her eventually and will give it till he’s 30 yrs ago (He’s 28 yrs old now) I accused him of toying with my feelings since he effectively is “in a complicated relationship” but he insisted he is single. I got mad with him and ignored his calls, MSNs and text messages for 1 week.
Today, he MSNed me and tried to test the waters. He also said he plans to take Friday off so we can hang out the whole day together. I declined his invite since I do not want to be a backup to his ex…I also feel like hanging out with him incessantly like this will only make me fall for him more and be more miserable should things don’t work out. I still do feel strongly for him so it was very very upsetting for me to have to turn him down… Please advise how i should approach our relationship. He obviously still wants to hang out as friends without commitment but I doubt I am able to handle this ambiguity…let me know. Thanks.” - Z
Dear Z
I doubt anyone would be able to handle such ambiguity in relationships, especially if you’re looking for a serious and committed one.
From the way things are now, there is no relationship between you two. You’re probably still in the courting phase. Obviously, you both have developed fond feelings for each other, yet he’s still tied to his emotional baggage, as you mentioned.
You deciding not to hang out with him until he clears his own indecisiveness is a very wise move. It shows that you know how to draw boundaries and to exert them. I’m glad you’re doing this.
Logic is telling you to make a wise choice, yet emotions are raging in your heart and urging you to go ahead and love this man. The choice is now clear: Logic or Emotions?
Each choice comes with a consequence.
If you go ahead and continue dating him, or even enter into a non-committal relationship, how prepared are you to accept his indecisiveness as you invest more of your love and emotions? Are you okay with him continuing with his ex on whatever basis they have agreed on?
If you stop now, you are sending him a strong message that until and unless he sorts out his own affairs, you and him will never be possible. Of course, during this period, you may go through a cycle of “grieving” for the loss of a potential romantic relationship. I won’t guarantee there won’t be heartaches, but I’m pretty sure that at the end of it, you’ll grow stronger and perhaps have a better idea of the kind of person to attract into your life!
Perhaps you can sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and the position that you’re taking? At least, you’re the one making the choice and not waiting passively for him.
At the same time, it’ll be great if he can receive some professional help to overcome his emotional hurdle.
But, even if he chooses not to deal with this, your life needs to go on.
All the best to you Z.
Enjoy the coming holiday.
Love, Kloudiia
