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“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve very recently got myself into a big mess. I have been with my girlfriend of 3 years, and are on the verge of wedding preparations, but I recently messed around with another girl, and my girlfriend found out.

She was of course devastated and decided to end things with her, and I am so much so ashamed of myself that I agreed with everything she said of me. After losing her, I really feel like I want her back and I wanted to tell her I will never ever do such a thing again, to which she has close her ears to and told me it’s off.

How can I prove to her that I am very sincere in wanting her back? I know that as the one who did wrong, I am asking for too much but I meant it when I said I love her and wanted to marry her. I am really at a loss at the moment.

Do hope to hear your advices.

Thank you.” - S

Dear S

I can read that you’re really regretful of what you’ve done. It takes a lot of courage to admit to one’s wrongdoing, and even more to want to make up for it.

I’m sure you know how hurtful your girlfriend must have felt. So, while you would like her to return to you, you have to empathise with what she’s going through now. Dealing with a betrayal from someone whom she was preparing to entrust her life with isn’t easy. Hence, please give her and yourself a bit more time.

I’m sure you genuinely meant it when you said you love her and wanted to marry her. However, in this case, trust has been broken, and you know as well as I do that to rebuild it takes even more time and effort than to gain it in the beginning.

If you really want to salvage this relationship, you need to have lots of patience with your girlfriend, and use your action to prove your sincerity and love. Be mentally prepared that this is going to be an uphill task. You may be snubbed by her many times, because she’s probably learnt to protect herself from you now. But, if you really is sincere, then time and your action will tell.

What can you do to get her forgiveness? To what extent are you willing to do it?

At the same time, I’d like you to reflect upon this incident. Have you thought about what led to your misbehaviour at first? If things had been going on well between you and your girlfriend, why were you willing to risk it with the other lady? What was the catalyst?

And if things weren’t going very well already between you and your girlfriend, are you confident that these issues can be resolved now and won’t happen again in future? When infidelity occurs in a relationship, we always point the finger outwards and fail to see that it could be due to unresolved issues in our own relationship that are pushing us away. However, I hope that from this incident, you’ve learnt that the solution is never to seek the answer elsewhere, but within the relationship itself.

If you have issue with your girlfriend, then communicating about it and learning to see from each other’s point of view is the way to resolve it. Looking outside to getting what you can’t get in your relationship is an easy way out, but it never is and won’t be the real solution.

These are the things that you need to sit down and seriously think through.

I wish you all the best. At the same time, if your girlfriend is open to getting professional help, it would be very useful that she can speak to a counsellor or coach to work on this experience and to move on.

As for you, please do not be too hung up on your guilt and punish yourself unduly. I believe you are really feeling remorseful now. So, just focus on rebuilding the trust and let your love speak for itself.

This is a test of your love with your girlfriend. If both of you can go through this, I’m sure you will have a fresh perspective on what love, relationship and marriage is.

Love, Kloudiia