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I have invested five years in a relationship with my boyfriend, and now I find myself in a deep quandary. My boyfriend had been a very loving and kind man, and still loves me. But he could never talk to me about marriage, and when he finally did a few months ago, my passion for him had died. I am also beginning to see that we have grown apart, and I’m holding on only because of the parts during our courtship, and because I’m not sure I can find someone else I can love as much.

To add to this complication, an ex-lover had come back into my life, indicating his interest in me, yet he refuses to contact me after knowing that I’m still unavailable. I feel as if I had lost another opportunity!! I’m really an emotional wreck now, not knowing which feeling I should handle first. Where do I start?” - S

Dear S

Oh dear, your heart must be in a tug-of-war now, pulling you towards opposite direction at the same time. I know how terrible it feels to be stuck in a cross-road junction, not knowing which way to go and yet you have to move somewhere.

Yes, you need to start somewhere, and I would recommend you look at your current relationship first. After all, if you really want to start another one, you need to end this one first, right?

What has gone wrong with your relationship with your boyfriend? Passion for each other will die, it’s just a matter of time. But, it doesn’t mean that it cannot be revived! In fact, you are already beginning to do it by thinking of the good times in your courtship.

I’m not sure if passion means this, but from my coaching experience and from what I know, many people are referring to the feeling of being in love with their partners. If this is what you mean too, then I’d like to tell you that being in love isn’t the same as love. Love is a conscious choice. It encompasses many other lovely qualities like commitment, honesty, integrity, sacrifice, being understanding and willingness to put your partner’s needs above yours etc. It is shown not just through words, but also through actions. The things that you do for each other.

You and your boyfriend has built this relationship and let it grow over the years, so it’s pretty usual that you might start to take this for granted. Passion needs to be kept alive by both parties putting in effort. It doesn’t just come naturally. Attraction, an essential ingredient to staying in love, is also a result of hard work and conscious effort.

What makes you attract to him in the first place? Is he slowly losing this trait? Have you communicated to him how you feel about this?

Have you looked back at the times you have spent with your boyfriend and learnt what had been good, fair and not so good? What have you learnt from all those moments? A relationship, in many times, is actually a continuing education for everyone of us. We learn so much things about ourselves through the way we interact with our loved ones. Very often, our partner is like a mirror reflection of ourselves, where we see our faults and weaknesses through their behaviour. How much have you learnt so far about handling a relationship, about yourself and about him?

S, stay focused now and start communicating with your boyfriend in a sincere and earnest way. Bare your feelings to him, and if both of you are committed to make this work, then you’ll find ways to improve the areas that each of you lack to manage a relationship well.

Forget about your ex for the time being. In fact, you should thank him for doing you a great service by not contacting you upon knowing you’re still in a relationship. Otherwise, you might be torn apart already by now!

I’m not sure how much you know about managing a relationship, but I do believe that there are always things to learn. It’ll be good to read some books in this area (have you read my book yet? It’ll be pretty helpful – you can get it in bookstores like Popular and MPH!), attend talks or you can even consider seeking professional help like coaching.

I wish you all the best S. Stay focused and handle one thing at a time. In this way, you won’t feel so overwhelmed and you’ll be able to be at peace with yourself.

Love, Kloudiia