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I was not having high expectations when I thought of penning my problems to you. But, I thought maybe some third party person could provide me some explanations.

And, maybe a love coach can do that…

I’ve been married for about 6 years now. Our relationship hasn’t been plain sailing since before our marriage. Our conversations are few and often short and uninteresting. Perhaps such intense relationship had developed over the years into what it is today. Now we talked even less, sometimes less than 5 exchanges in a day, and limited to short greetings or Q&As.

For me, I sometimes dreaded starting a conversation with her, as my first question was met with either a undeserved rebut or rude reply. I don’t think a simple question warrants such kind of behavourial reply. You could say that I’m not trying hard enough or not able to say the right things at the right time, but I’m just too tired to think further.

We have a child who is still young but very attached to her. I had thought having a child will give her more purpose in life and possibly improve our couple relationship. But, the much time spent between themselves has at many times cause her unnecessay stress and as a result, flaring tempers and tiredness showed up.

We have even stopped having any intimacy for a few years now. I’m taking a passing day as just a day with little purpose. Perhaps the joy of seeing our child growing up is what has been keeping the family together, albeit just under a roof.

I don’t think I will open up to her about the tensions, not in the years before, and not now.

Please tell me how to find more purpose in life and perhaps improve on the tensions we are living in.

With best regards,

Tired Man”

Dear Tired Man

You do sound tired, to the point of almost giving up. Well, I’m glad you’re still holding on, evidenced by the fact that you are sending me this email.

You are absolutely experiencing some huge challenges in the communication with your wife, and according to you it started way before your marriage. You do understand that both you and your wife are making a grave mistake in one of the most critical areas to maintain a marriage, don’t you?

Do you know what is your wife thinking about when she replies you in a undeserving way? Are you aware of her feelings and what is she experiencing when she is being nasty to you? Have you guys ever sat down and look at the issues that are tearing the two of you apart?

No matter how much you may abhor the idea, I’m afraid you have to do the talk. I understand it is going to be hard on you, as I’m sure it will be on her since the tap to an ongoing conversation has been padlocked for some time. But, someone has to take the first step. Since you are already sending this email, why don’t you take one more step further and make the move?

Don’t rush into things too quickly. Give yourselves some time to warm up to the idea of speaking to each other, and when the atmosphere is more harmonious and peaceful, then you can bring up one issue. Remember, one issue at a time. Don’t attempt to lump everything together. All you’ll get is another heated argument, or a prolonged cold war with no peace treaty in sight.

Bear in mind that the purpose of the talk is not to interrogate her, but to re-discover and to get to know your wife all over again. Only when someone isn’t made to feel that she is cornered will she feel safe and comfortable to bare her heart.

I believe that Secret #32: Arguing Without The Hurt, Secret #35: Ask – Because You Could Cement Your Relationship With This and Secret #45: Fixing The Leaks Before The Dam Bursts in my book “The 69 Love Notes” will come in pretty handy for you.

A person’s hostile attitude towards another usually doesn’t happen overnight. There has to be some sort of unhappiness that is brewing without a legitimate outlet for venting which leads to the accumlation of “emotoinal toxins” inside this person. What have you observed about her that could possibly be the cause of her coldness towards you? What was your role in this?

Have you been good enough to her? How good is good, and what is good is something that you should know by now. If you don’t, could it then be the reason why she is behaving like this?

Having a child in the home will no doubt cheer both of you up separately, but what you really want is a happy and loving union of the whole family unit, am I right? So don’t give up hope, until you have done your very best.

To find a purpose in life, we first need to ascertain what is important to us. What do you treasure? Your health, career, family, love, friendship, recognition?

You have to first take responsibility of your life before you can seek out the purpose to continue the way you are living it for. That’s what a purpose is for, isn’t it? Like a company’s mission, when spelt out clearly, every employees will follow that general direction and strive for excellence in their own unit.

As for the intimacy, well, you know as well as I do that when the communication bridge has finished its reconstruction and is firm and sturdy, then the time will come.

For now, focus on rebuilding the bond first.

I wish you, your wife and your child well.

If you find this journey rather challenging and you believe in the value of having a personal coach to assist you in exploring the options and designing strategies to achieve your outcome, please feel free to contact me. I’ll be in touch with you shortly when I receive your email.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

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