I’ve very recently got myself into a big mess. I have been with my girlfriend of 3 years, and are on the verge of wedding preparations, but I recently messed around with another girl, and my girlfriend found out.

She was of course devastated and decided to end things with her, and I am so much so ashamed of myself that I agreed with everything she said of me. After losing her, I really feel like I want her back and I wanted to tell her I will never ever do such a thing again, to which she has close her ears to and told me it’s off.

How can I prove to her that I am very sincere in wanting her back? I know that as the one who did wrong, I am asking for too much but I meant it when I said I love her and wanted to marry her. I am really at a loss at the moment.

Do hope to hear your advices.

Thank you.” - S

Dear S

I can read that you’re really regretful of what you’ve done. It takes a lot of courage to admit to one’s wrongdoing, and even more to want to make up for it.

I’m sure you know how hurtful your girlfriend must have felt. So, while you would like her to return to you, you have to empathise with what she’s going through now. Dealing with a betrayal from someone whom she was preparing to entrust her life with isn’t easy. Hence, please give her and yourself a bit more time.

I’m sure you genuinely meant it when you said you love her and wanted to marry her. However, in this case, trust has been broken, and you know as well as I do that to rebuild it takes even more time and effort than to gain it in the beginning.

If you really want to salvage this relationship, you need to have lots of patience with your girlfriend, and use your action to prove your sincerity and love. Be mentally prepared that this is going to be an uphill task. You may be snubbed by her many times, because she’s probably learnt to protect herself from you now. But, if you really is sincere, then time and your action will tell.

What can you do to get her forgiveness? To what extent are you willing to do it?

At the same time, I’d like you to reflect upon this incident. Have you thought about what led to your misbehaviour at first? If things had been going on well between you and your girlfriend, why were you willing to risk it with the other lady? What was the catalyst?

And if things weren’t going very well already between you and your girlfriend, are you confident that these issues can be resolved now and won’t happen again in future? When infidelity occurs in a relationship, we always point the finger outwards and fail to see that it could be due to unresolved issues in our own relationship that are pushing us away. However, I hope that from this incident, you’ve learnt that the solution is never to seek the answer elsewhere, but within the relationship itself.

If you have issue with your girlfriend, then communicating about it and learning to see from each other’s point of view is the way to resolve it. Looking outside to getting what you can’t get in your relationship is an easy way out, but it never is and won’t be the real solution.

These are the things that you need to sit down and seriously think through.

I wish you all the best. At the same time, if your girlfriend is open to getting professional help, it would be very useful that she can speak to a counsellor or coach to work on this experience and to move on.

As for you, please do not be too hung up on your guilt and punish yourself unduly. I believe you are really feeling remorseful now. So, just focus on rebuilding the trust and let your love speak for itself.

This is a test of your love with your girlfriend. If both of you can go through this, I’m sure you will have a fresh perspective on what love, relationship and marriage is.

Love, Kloudiia

Came across your website and thought I might need some advice.

You probably hear this alot, but I’m having problems getting over a certain incident in the past involving my boyfriend and another girl.

He kinda told me a different and more ‘innocent’ side of the story which I truly believed. And since then, he changed slowly and things began to seem brighter and more promising between us.

But recently, I was told the actual story of their affair by a true witness who didn’t want to tell me then due to not wanting to see me hurt.

And let me tell you, my heart sank to the ground. I seriously cannot accept what they’ve done and the fact that my boyfriend lied about the whole thing. Problem is, things are getting so well between us now and bringing up the issue would risk another break up.

But the issue won’t stop ringing in my head. I need to hear the truth from him. And this will help me decide if I can really trust him again and if we can really continue our relationship and future plans. Because right now, I really doubt so.

Help?” – Y

Dear Y

The truth hurts. I’m sure you’ve heard of this saying before. How very true it is, isn’t it? Yet, we humans cannot not find out the truth, because to resist that is akin to resist the natural force of gravity. It is in us to see that we know the truth.

Like it or not, the cat has been let out of the bag and you cannot pretend not to see it. This instance has created a big knot in your heart which is making it heavier as days pass. You know as well as I do that you have to sort this conflict out if you still want to keep this relationship.

By doing so, you definitely risk facing a break up. So you have to ask yourself if staying in this relationship when your trust in him has begun to erode is going to work? If you know it won’t, then it’s only a matter of time that it will self-terminate as quarrels begin to surface more frequently due to your inability to trust him anymore. This is one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

When he does tell you the truth, how far are you willing to go to forgive him and forget about this entire incident? You have to know this answer well enough because this will determine how willing he is to divulge all the details which he was adamant at keeping from you in the first place.

So ask yourself what is the outcome you want to see for yourself and this relationship? Because you already know the truth, but you want to hear it from the horse’s mouth. If you don’t think you’ll be able to accept this deception, then how does knowing the truth from him make any difference?

And if you’re going to speak to your boyfriend about it, maybe you can also ask him the intention of not telling you the truth and his recent behaviour towards you and your relationship now. Hopefully this can gain him some brownie points and to help you to walk the path of forgiveness easier and smoother. 

I wish you all the best Y. If at the end of the day, your aim is to keep the relationship and you need to work on forgiving him and rebuilidng your trust for him again, coaching will be a useful tool you can consider using. Let me know then and we’ll see what we can work out for you, ok?

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]cheating, infidelity, trust, rebuilding trust, dating and relationship, forgive and forget[/tags]

I was in a relationship with a guy who was 12 years older than me for 5 years.  During this time I gradually started to care for and take responsibility for his mentally challenged daughter and we spent almost every day together. 

All of a sudden things changed and he had a “friend” who was married and when I questioning the amount of time that she was spending he then responded that he didn’t like the jealous side of me and that he never saw me like this before and what did I have to worry about. I decided to back down and not pursue the conversation. 

It turns out that they were having an affair (him on me and her on her husband), he dumped me for her and I can not get over it.  We have a business together and he got her on the Board of Directors and has basically cut out my participation in the business.  Every time I see them I want to lash out. I don’t like feeling like this. 

Is there anything I can do to help my situation?  I also feel bad because his mentally challenged daughter has repeatedly called me and can’t comprehend why I am not around any more. She is very hurt by the fact that I am gone. But the part that I am trying to explain is that it is too painful for me to be around and do things with her after being hurt so bad.” - K

Dear K

I really empathise with you right now.  It must have been a roller coaster ride of huge waves of emotions and feelings sweeping over you. You are very brave to continue hanging on and to seek for help to get you out of your predicament. Please continue to have the courage to ride through this period, ok?

Now let’s take stock of your situation and see what are your options, shall we?

You need to realise that this relationship is over, completely because you know as well as I do if you’re able to accept him back into your life again.

So how do you move forward? It seems like the sticky part comes from the business investment and his daughter’s attachment to you. Let’s work on these 2 issues now first.

1. Business

If you are a shareholder and Director of this company, then I believe that he has no right to remove you away from the operations. Even if he were to get someone else on board, you have to endorse that inclusion by holding a Director’s meeting. Unless he roped the support and agreement of the other shareholders (if there are any besides you and him), otherwise he can’t do this to you.

Have you spoken to a lawyer regarding this? If you haven’t, it will be wise to seek one’s professional advice on your stand and rights in this company.

If you’re thinking of withdrawing, then be prepared to negotiate the terms with him. Things will be easier if you have an agreement drawn up before the company was incorporated on the terms for withdrawal. If you don’t, I’m sure the lawyer will be able to help.

2. Daughter

Now, this could be tricker to handle because of her special circumstance. You have to decide if you still want to continue your friendship with her based on the attachment and bonding both of you already share, or to end it altogether so that everything is clean between you and him.

I know making this decision could be a tougher one than whether to stay on in the business or not.

If you choose not to be with her anymore as what you’ve said, then how do you plan to do it with the minimum amount of hurt on her? You have to acknowledge that she will feel hurt no matter what, because it isn’t easy for someone like her to be so attached to a person.

But that doesn’t mean that it is now your sole responsibility to ensure that she is safe. Her father has a big role to play as well. What you can do is to smoothen out the effects of your detachment by explaining to her that you will not be able to go to her house and accompany her anymore. Tell her at least a few times so that this information will go into her. 

Let her father know about this and the rest is up to him.

Are you going to answer her phone calls in future? What does each option give you? Go through them and you’ll know which one will give you peace of mind.

Lastly, I may be wrong, but I got the feeling that you are angry and helpless now. Are you? If you are , I hope that you can work on this as well so that you will not bring this burden with you as you continue on with your life, and possibly your next relationship. I believe that you don’t like having this heavy feeling on your chest and bearing anger wherever you go.

All the best to you K. I wish that you will find peace, love and happiness.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]cheating, extra-marital affair, breaking up, moving on, relationships[/tags]

About 3 years ago I started a new job, about 1 month later I met a man, I had seen him around but never really payed attention, one day we were sitting outside and we made eye contact for the first time. I swore to this day I felt like I was hit by a mack truck! I actually felt as if I should be picking myself off the ground. Anyways, as time went by we would talk when we were at work, I asked him questions about him self, he is the most intriguing person I have ever met.

Any ways after about another month, I heard that he was married. I have never had any interest in a married man. But he was different. No matter what I did, he was always in my head. I was seeing someone at the time and things weren’t good and we split up. This amazing man and I spoke almost every time we saw each other. We were both guilty of smiles overcoming us when we saw the other. Anyways, I had said a few times, you should come over and have some coffee sometime. He spoke of his marriage as if he was not happy and she was only in it for the money, but never directly said. I guess it was just a feeling I had.

Well he had told me, he slept on the couch and his wife was gone every weekend. And he worked weekends. Well one night before we got off of work, I said “Would you like to come over and have some coffee?” and he actually followed me home. I have never cheated in my life and I certainly don’t agree with fooling around with married men, but he was different. We never did have sex, we did fool around a little though. At one point it got so heated as if we had been waiting for this moment our whole lives. He said ” I’m not ready to leave her yet”. And the hot and heavy faded and he left.

Well several months went by and we continued speaking at work, and he came over again, just a little fooling around. I decided to get the nerve to kiss him and he pushed me away, but continued to do what we were doing. Well in the mean time my friend had set me up with this other guy, who I was very honest with about not wanting a relationship with him, I think I just gave up and was trying to block Mr. Wonderful out because it seemed like he would never leave his wife and I felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough. I ended up leaving that job, got pregnant by the guy I didn’t want a relationship with, we have lived together for the past year.

I am very unhappy. I have dreams all the time of Mr. Wonderful, he makes me smile at the thought of him. I know I am totally head over heels in love with him. And I feel like he might be pushing his feelings away also. I got up the nerve to call him at work about a week ago (it had been a year since we spoke). I said “Hi it’s M”, he said immediately “Hey how are you” he said everything is the same with him. Kinda like he is bored with his whole marriage and his life. He never once told me to leave him alone. Wouldn’t a guy that really don’t care tell me to leave him alone? Wouldn’t he forget me after a year? If he only wanted sex, wouldn’t we have done it?

He has been my love for 3 years now and I have not had any change of heart. I know he is the one I am supposed to be with. But I also don’t know if he feels the same way. Please help me? Give me suggestions or whatever. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you soon.” – M

Dear M

I empathise with you, I truly do. I can feel the kind of torment you are going through now, as your heart yearns for one while not having him.

I believe he could just the “the one” for you, no doubt about it, as I read about the kind of chemisty both of you share. At the same time, you’re really a lucky girl to have met him and not some other chaps who are in for the sex.

BUT, and this is a big but, Mr Wonderful is married.

AND he will remain unavailable so long as he remains married. If there is to be any change in his marital status, YOU are definitely not the one to cause it to happen. HE and HIS WIFE has to bear responsibility and to make their own decisions.

He has chosen to stay with his wife, so why are you choosing to stop at where you are and not look at other options to have a more fulfilling relationship?

I hate to splash cold water on your head, but I’m afraid I have to do this, and I believe this is what you’d like to hear too, since you have taken the initiative to write to me.

What I’d like to say is I hope you can answer this question honestly:

“How do you know he is the one for you? How sure are you that he will make a good husband, if he is available for marriage?”

We all fantasise about people, especially those whom we are infatuated with and not being able to have. I feel that you have been fantasising about being with him too much, but are you really sure that he will be able to give you life-long happiness? Because until and when you are really with him for good only then will you discover more things about him. It’s never the same when you are in this strong-infatuation stage. Everything about the other person is just wonderful and perfect.

There are some options you have, and the decision is up to you. You are in charge of your life and your relationship. So whether or not he feels for you is independent of the fact that he is married and you can’t be together in the open due to this fact.

You didn’t mention anything about your pregnancy with the man you are living with now. So why are you so sure you won’t want to have a relationship with him? Is it because you are in love with Mr Wonderful Yet Unavailable? Look at this man you are with closely, and observe if he has the qualities to be a good husband and father. Chances are, you could be totally blind to his merits as you continue to fantasize about the other man.

The choice is up to you, and I know you know this. M, I hope to hear from you when you have made up your mind on how to pursue real happiness!

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]dating & relationship, third party, extra-marital affairs, infidelity, love and marriage[/tags]

I met a guy a year ago. We did love each other. But he went back to his hometown and won’t be back to my place next year. So that is a long distance relationship. At first, we talked so often like at least 3 times a week and almost more than 2 hours everytime. But we didn’t chat much a few weeks ago. I thought that he got another girlfriend. I was so unahppy.

In my birthday, he sent me a bunch of roses with a sweet card. That’s so sweet. What he said is, “I hope I can join your life soon. Love you so much…etc” and we talked on phone for hours. At that time, all my suspecious gone. But we still don’t talk to each other that often. His excuse is he’s so busy at his school work and he’ll talk to me very soon.

I didn’t feel bad about that till I found that a girl leave him a message on net saying something like ” I love you so much my boyfriend…etc” Then I asked him who the girl was. He told me she’s just his ex-girlfriend and he complained that he told me before why I forgot. But the truth is, the message was leaved to him recently. How possible she’s just his Ex???!

I was so pissed off then I dated some other guys and I told him that I kissed with somebody. I didn’t know why I did that. I lost my mind. He’s so angry when I told him. He said “I may talk to you in my next life time. U cheater. U enjoy your life with that guy.” Then I called him he never replied. Two weeks gone. Last night I received a SMS from him. His text was kinda cold “Hey, how are you?” Just say “how are you”??? Even without any signature or whatever!

What does that mean? He just wants to see I’m alright or he’s not angry anymore? Should I called him back? Love, S” - S

Dear S

I hope by now you have realised what has gone wrong in your relationship. It seemed like there is no trust between both of you.

Whether or not he has lied to you about that girl, do you think it justifies you kissing another guy? Let’s put aside who is right or wrong now, and look at the underlying issue.

What were you thinking of when you did that? Was it an act of revenge? Maybe you could use this chance to do some reflection as well.

We do and say things that we will usually regret later when we are angry. But that doesn’t mean that we can rid ourselves of all the consequences that come along from that moment of rash.

You have to be responsible for kissing that guy, while your boyfriend has to accept his for sending that angry sms. Both have hurt each other, don’t you agree?

Would you like to salvage this relationship? If you do, then what is stopping you from calling him and giving him a detailed explanation? That is what I mean by taking responsibility and doing what you can to remedy the damage done.

If both of you still have feelings for each other, then I am confident that the misunderstandings can be cleared.

But what I’d like to highlight here is the issue of trust, or rather lack of it in this case. I would suggest that you lay down the boundaries with him if you were to start afresh. What kind of interaction between him and the opposite gender is considered acceptable to you? Do you expect full honesty from him?

It’s alright to have expectations of each other in a relationship. That’s normal. However, if you expect your partner to be able to read your heart and mind without you telling him, then that would be a bit too much to ask for, isn’t it?

Besides trust, if you two were to have a second chance at this relationship, I’d also suggest you get to know each other better in deeper terms. What are your values? How do you handle arguments?

Especially when you are in a long-distance relationship, if you don’t know your partner well enough, a slight stir will cause it to rock. When mishandled, it will even crash, like the previous time.

I wish you all the best S. If you need professional assistance to learn how to be a better partner and to handle relationships, I’ll be here for you too.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]dating & relationship, trust, cheating, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, long-distance relationship[/tags]