I need to get advice about a recent break up of twelve years. We have a son together and I love her so deeply. I am having deep remorse for not showing her the love that I should have. It’s been three months and I am still very heart broken.” - M

Dear M

It really sounds like you’re remorseful, which is probably what would be your main motivating force to save your relationship, would you agree?

If you already know that you haven’t been showing her the love that you should have, then it only means you know what you can do to make her feel loved. Or do you not? If not, how can you know? How much and what do you know about her during those past twelve years that you are together?

A relationship doesn’t break up overnight, more so when you two have started a family. There could be lots of unhappiness and resentment built up over the years, and you probably could start by looking at this area.

Maybe you would like to use this time to do a good and honest reflection over what could have possibly gone wrong that led to this result. Looking at this list, what are the things that you can change now?

Does your partner know how you are feeling now? Have you been communicating to each other? How is she reacting to you now?

I understand that you’re feeling very remorseful now, and you’re probably sitting there and beating yourself up. But it’s been three months, so what have you done so far? If you haven’t done anything that is pushing you towards the direction you want, then when is now the right time to start taking some real and concrete action?

Since you and your ex have been together for twelve years and have a son together, I assume that you’re both married and are now separated? Because if so, then we’re talking about divorce which would take some time and hence hopefully give you some opportunities to make changes.

You are both connected to each other by your son. So, there might still be a chance that you can still patch back with your partner. But you need to act now.

It would be good if you can bring this up with a professional to walk this path with you together. Let me know if you’d like to find out more about our coaching programme and maybe we can work this out by emailing me.

All the best to you M, and I wish that your family can be back together in love and happiness once more.

Love, Kloudiia

I’ve a boyfriend whom we have been together for 5yrs+. We have LDR (long distance relationship) since March 2009. and we had a lot quarrels from March-June 2009. Ended up in July 2009, he called for a month cool down period..

At that time, I came to know about The 69 Love Notes.. I really appreciate the contents of the book and I committed to myself to make the changes because I WANT a loving and long-term relationship.

After the cool down period, we got back together. He noticed my changes, but deep in his heart, he feel uneasy as he thought all the changes that I’ve made is just because of his ‘threatening’.. and claim that the ‘feel’ has lost… he is coming back this week.. What should I do??

Do I need to take up the love couching program? If yes, HOW?

Hope to hear from you real soon.” - Q

Dear Q

I’m glad to hear that you’re committed to making changes so that you can have a long-term relationship, really glad. Not many people out there are willing to put in effort and work hard to achieve this, you know? So, regardless of how your relationship with your boyfriend turns out, you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back for the great work you’ve done!

I’m not sure why your boyfriend says he no longer feels for you, though I do suspect the frequent quarrels in the past could be a major reason. You see, when a couple goes through a period of constant arguments, the negative energy that hangs around them can cause them to lose all the nice and good feelings they used to have for each other. Unless they both have the commitment to want to ride it out no matter what, and learn new techniques to resolve the issues that are troubling them, chances are the relationship is heading towards the end.

Your boyfriend could genuinely be unconvinced that your changes are for the purpose of wanting to save the relationship, or he could be using it as a facade. He might be feeling insecure that you have made progress and he has still remained the same. Or, he might be using that as an excuse so that he doesn’t have to admit that he no longer likes you.

Or, none of these are true. He could genuinely believe that what you have been doing is not going to last. If this is the case, then the only way to let him know you’re really committed to making the relationship work is to continue to be a better person and apply those strategies and tips you’ve learnt. Time will show the truth, wouldn’t you agree?

I think it’d be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Find out what’s the real reason for the initial breakup, and if he sees this relationship having a future.

You can consider taking up coaching if you want to have a clearer idea of what you actually want and how to get there.

Lastly, I wish that you and your boyfriend will be able to work out all these confusions and doubts circling each of you and your relationship. I hope that regardless of how your relationship turns out eventually, you’d still continue to practise those things you’ve learnt from my book. Because you should have probably come to realise by now that they not only help you to have a lasting and loving relationship, when applied on oneself, the tips are also great to prepare you better for the next one to come.

All the best, Q.

Love, Kloudiia

I just broke up with my boyfriend few weeks back, because I found out that there’s a third party involved. We ended up arguing because he didn’t wanna explain and so we broke up. Now we’re not talking to each other anymore. I’m confused now. I don’t know what to do …” - J

Dear J

Breaking up is never a thing that gives someone joy. However, it can be a thing very worth while to do, especially if the relationship isn’t making you a better person and giving you love and peace.

I can understand why you’re feeling confused now. You must be wondering if all this is real. Is your boyfriend really cheating? If so, why didn’t you get any hint of it earlier?

Are you also having doubts about yourself, and perhaps even beginning to blame yourself for causing this break up? Are you feeling bad? Feeling less attractive even?

If you are, I really would wish that you stop breeding all these negative thoughts. When a third party comes into the picture, it usually is the result of several factors. We can’t be exactly sure what these are, but we can be certain that it isn’t the fault of one person alone. He could be non-committal right from the start, or both of you could be really incompatible. You can’t be completely sure why he cheated, but what you can control is how you treat this event.

When you’re feeling less overwhelmed and are ready to face the fact that this relationship is over, give yourself some time to think through what had gone wrong. I’m sure there are lessons that you can learn, wouldn’t you agree?

And, isn’t breaking up a better solution than staying together? Why would you want to hang on to a relationship that is no longer pure and loyal? Why would you want to commit yourself to a man whose heart doesn’t belong to you anymore?

Given time, I believe you’d get over this and move forward. Meanwhile, do things that will cheer you up. Most importantly, keep feeding positive thoughts and emotions into your brain. You really are worth to have someone who truly loves you and treats you well. When you thought you’ve lost something, you could actually have gained more instead. So, be open.

I wish you all the best, and may peace be in your heart always.

Love, Kloudiia

My boyfriend has broken off with me. I kept thinking of how to get him to change his mind. I chanced upon your site and I know I need to move on but I find it so so tough.” - J

Dear J

Moving on after a break-up is not easy for certain people, especially for those who did not initiate to end the relationship. It sounds like you belong to this category.

You probably know this, but I’m going to say it anyway. In life, you can’t change another person. The only person you have control over and whom you can change is yourself. Therefore, how do you think you would be able to change his mind if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings anymore? Would it be more useful if you were to use those energy to focus on yourself instead?

What were you experiencing when you were thinking of how to change his mind about you and the relationship? Write your experience down on a piece of paper. This method can help you not only to release your pent-up emotions, it also helps to give you the true picture of current reality.

When you’ve finally faced up to reality that the break-up is real, is happening and is irreversible (whether or not you can patch back, the ball doesn’t seem to be in your court, so assume that it’s irreversible now), accept it and move on.

You have to move on regardless. You may like to read my blog post on 7 ways to deal with painful breakups.

I’m not sure if you and your ex would patch back eventually, however, that’s an unknown future and thus shouldn’t be mixed with your present status. If the patch-back happens, I would assume that it is because the issues that resulted in your first breakup were resolved and would never be a reason for conflict again. If it doesn’t happen, well, you know you still can be as happy, if not, even happier than before because of the postiive changes you’ve made to your life.

There are some people who engaged me to work with them on issues that they believed led to their breaking up with their partners so that they would not see the same pattern occuring in their future one. If you like to work on this as well as moving on, you can talk to me and we’ll see how our coaching programme can assist you in this aspect.

In the meantime, do yourself a huge favour. Get out of your home and indulge in a favourite activity. Just make yourself feel good. You cannot imagine how, at times, just feeling good can make such a huge difference to motivate you to take action in your life.

All the best to you J.

Love, Kloudiia

I met my BF during college, he was the uncle of one of my close friends. Since then we start getting to know each other by means of communication; texting, calls, emails, letters and chatting. Later on, we both agreed to be committed in a sense of online relationship.. so he become my BF for couples of months only, I broke up with him because I don’t want to be totally attached knowing that this relationship is not for real I always feel incomplete. I start longing for the real one.. someone that I can be with, someone I can hug and kiss, I can feel and see in personal. But unfortunately were in different side of the world.. he couldn’t find time to see me and be together thats why I decided to break up with him. Beacause it doesnt work out, I feel so bored in our realtionship. The break up was really good, we still friends after all.

After college, we go in our separate ways.. he got jobs in our country, and I luckily got a job abroad.. we lost communication after months but its like destiny that we met again online.. he found me in a website.. we start communicating again and same old story happpened “history repeat itself as what they called it” but then this time around I wouldn’t allow him to be part of my life more than as friends. I haven’t given him chance although he ask for it. I went home in our country for vacation only. And since we’re friends I agreed to meet him, we spend time together. We go out of town for weeks in islands with friends and spends weekends together. He always insist whenever he got chance to tell me he want second chance for our relationship, he keep on telling me that he will make it up this time. I said “NO” we better off as fiends.

But something happend that I really don’t expect.. we had sex and after what happened we still seeing and communicating with each other more and more. Time flies to fast and I have to go back to work, before my flight we talk and make things clear. He wanted to continue the relationship. And so we did long distance relationship.. but as our relationship was on going I heard many things about him from our friends that he was a GAY. My friends told me to break up with him. Even before,the first time I met him, I heard that issue already. But I just ignore it because we having online relationship not that too serious and its not really big deal knowing that I’m too young that time. I’m not that bother that much, but now I’m really bothered because I notice that as well during the time I was in our country and we spend time together. But its like its hard for me to believe i don’t know what stopping me to break up with him this time knowing his a gay. I really don’t know what to do? How would I know if he is really gay? How would I know if he really loves me or just using me to hide his real identity.

Thanks,
sweetangel”

Dear Sweetangel

This relationship, if it’s ever considered as one, sounds too complicated even for an adult, much less for a college student to be able to handle, really. In my opinion, you certainly don’t deserve to be in such a tricky situation.

There are more than one issue here that I can see, and the man’s sexual preference is just but one of them. The age gap is another issue. And he doesn’t seem to be mature in his thinking for someone his age. You didn’t mention how old he is, but since he’s the uncle of one of your classmates, I presume he’s a working adult while you’re still a college student. Hence in terms of knowing what he’s thinking and his real motives, you might have some degree of difficulty in reading his mind.

An online relationship sounds too far-fetched for anyone to be able to relate that to any form of connection between two people. And when he later found you again online, why is that considered as destiny when he knew too well there would be a high possibility of locating you on the “webosphere” (if I may invent this word) at this time and age when social networking sites are the norm for young people like you to make friends, to see and be seen? Gosh, even Barrack Obama can be found on Facebook. So, for your own sake, maybe you’d like to de-fantasize about this a little bit?

As at now, there are three things seeking your immediate attention. Let me put them in point form for your easy understanding:

1. Medical checkup. Since you’ve had sex with him, it’s advisable to go for a health checkup. I know this might sound ridiculous, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry. If possible, get a girlfriend or your mom to accompany you to the doctor. I hope you had protection during sex. 

2. Cut off ties. I know I shouldn’t sound imposing, however you know as well as I do how this situation is taxing you emotionally and mentally now. Does it really matter if he’s gay? How much do you know about this person to let him be part of your life in such an intimate way? How is his integrity like? His character? Is he an honest man? What good will come out from continuing this unclear relationship with him?  

3. Get support. You need to have a support network at this time if you were to be committed to have a clean cut with this person and get him out of your life totally. Have you considered confiding this issue with someone close to you and you know you can count on at a time like this? I hope you share a good relationship with your mother, for she’s naturally the best choice a daughter can hope to have to help you tide through this period. Otherwise, maybe you can consider getting a therapist. Is there any volunteer group in your town that provides such a service to college students?

You said you don’t know what is stopping you from breaking up with him. This, to me, only means that you are planning to break up with him. If my deduction is correct, then I must applaud you for making this decision. What is left now is for you to have that courage and determination to see it through. I forsee you’ll need to have a steel will to want him out of your life for he may not let you go so easily. Are you willing to walk away from this situation and move on with your life afresh?

You know only you can decide how to live your life, not anyone else, don’t you?

I hope you sit down and reflect upon this issue. What has this sort of relationship brought you so far? List down the good and the bad. Take a good look at them and see what are the lessons you can learn. 

If you need more help, please email me again.

I hope that you’ll have your life back in control again and I wish you all the best.

Love, Kloudiia

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 year now. Both of us were divorcee and we are now 38 years old. We went through rough patches and tough times as both of us knew each other at the wrong time when we were still married to our own spouses. You may say we cheated on our spouses but back then both of our marriages were on the rock and were on the verge of divorce even before my boyfriend appeared.

Subsequently, last year March I had his baby but back then both of us were not officially divorced but separated from our spouses. But I was uncertain about this relationship even though he loves me alot and is ready to marry me and rush his ex wife for a divorce but I was still unsure because he can be unreasonable and his bad temper is a killer.

I was finding difficulty letting go of my son knowing if I will to give birth to the baby I would lose my son. In the end, I decided to abort the baby left my boyfriend D and go back to my husband and family. But after the abortion, I was so vulnerable, regretted my decision, felt extremely guilty and plus my husband was unable to accept me immediately back and D hated me and couldn’t forgave me and wanted to have a clean break with me. I was devastated and I pleaded D to forgive me. I cried day and night losing my baby and D. Then I realised that I do love D very much.

After one month of pleading and begging, he decided to give me a chance and we got back. In order to appease him, I gve up my son’s custody and requested for a divorce. But this one year plus was a tough and rough journey. He treated me nasty and lash out on me whenever he was frustrated. He kept bringing up the mistake that I have done. Having said that, he still make effort to call me daily, text me every morning to tell me he reached office and he loves me.

In June, we went for a holiday after that our relationship has progressed and we started to talk about our future of marrying at the end of last year. Then subsequently as the months past, I felt he has lost it again. In Sept last year, I couldnt take the uncertainty and change of his mood anymore that I flared up and left his house one of the weekend.

On Monday, he met up with his ex girlfriend whom he was with while he was still married. On Wednesday, I called him he was determined to break off with me and again I pleaded him telling him we can work things out. And so we were back again.

I asked him whether he was serious with me and want to marry me. He said yes but he is not ready financially and emotionally. I do sense he loves me alot. But he is just not ready to marry because he had a bad divorce. He was divorced in june and I was divorced in Sept last year. Then he promised me that this year, we will get a house and get married. I was so happy that finally he is ready to commit,

Perhaps I was too anxious and fearful that he will change his mind anytime so in Jan this year, I started to hound him like a mad dog. He was triggered and pull away as he was feeling extremely stress by me. We had alot of arguement every week since then till now.

Then we were doing fine and he brought me to jewelry shop for my dowry. In fact last year Sep he already got for me the wedding ring. Last week we had a big arguement again because again when I asked him whether he wanted to view flats, he kept delaying and I was indignant.

He told me he can’t trust me still, don’t have confident that our relationship will last and he is afraid of divorce again that he will lose out again. He is extremely fearful of marriage. Basically I don’t know what’s in his mind?

He even told me if his bonus is good this June then we will go maldives for holiday. Last year, he told me he will definitely bring me to maldives for honeymoon. But this year, I doubt its for honeymoon anymore.

Just a few days ago, he again told me we were not compatible and that I am too demanding and he complained everything about me. He really not happy and he just want to be alone. He told me if I still want to be with him then we will just cohabit as he wont step into a marriage anymore.

Next morning, he told me sorry he promised me that he will be positive and he told me he just too stress and he really feel like giving up everything; his work, classes and relationship. He don’t know why he is so negative. He asked me whether I can revert to my old self where we can joke, talk and laugh and where I was always cheerful. But now, it seemed we have nothing much to talk about, my face is always so sour and we don enjoy and its so bored being together.

I do love him alot.. along the way, I do try to give myself other opportunities because my emotion is always roller coaster.. his inconsistency makes me cry every other day and I am really going insane soon… I am not ugly, infact above average. But it seem its so difficult to find someone that can accept me being a divorcee with a son even though my son is not under my custody.. even with those who can accept may not necessarily have chemistry with them.. I feel so stuck in my siutations.. I wanted to jump out but I can’t… I wish he can change his mind about me and make a firm decision not changing all the time..

hope you can help me…

I hope you understand my feeling and his and help me to analyse the stiuation. What should I do? If i give him space will he revert back?

I really feel like going back to the family as my son needs me. But my ex has found someone and married. So what should I do? Even though, I love D, but I can’t trust he is willing to work on this relationship and have a future with me. Perhaps its my problem of trusting him but till now he didnt give me any assurance. I am suffering and torn apart.. I feel like a failure and have nothing now…

Now, he has made his stand clear that he won’t marry me because he has fear whether we can work things out. He is now distant and cold and very reserved but he still make effort to call and text me which I find its more of a responsibility than love. I can sense that he is seeing no future with me now and simply feels we won’t last long.

Please help me to analyse whether he is taking me as a sideline now. Awaiting for your reply. How should I apply your ebook and change his mind about me?

Thks. J”  - J

Dear J

I’m not sure if you are aware that you are very stuck in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Maybe you are, but you are still hidden behind an inflated belief that things will turn around and he will stand firm on his decision to love you, be with you and marry you.

You have to know if you need to move on or not. Ask yourself what needs to happen that will make you say “That’s it. I’m out of here”? Is that list a long one? Could you identify which one is the dealbreaker?

You and D have been through a lot, as compared to other couples in a more common relationship. Divorces notwithstanding, there was an abortion, lack of trust, insecurity, instability and also doubts and confusion to handle.

The emotional and mental stress you are bearing now is undeniably high, made worse by the various highs and lows during this period. Could this be why you are behaving so possessive and unbearing towards him?

You have come to a time where your relationship has reached a plateau. He is not willing to commit to marriage. So, my question is: what are you hoping to get out of this relationship? Marriage? Companionship? Love? Affection? What is the most important one for you? Are you getting it? Do you think you will ever get it? What does it take for you to get it? What does it take for you to do something about this when you don’t get it?

Yes, I’ve asked a barrage of questions, and I really need you to look at them not just as questions, but keys to opening the lock in your heart right now. At this point, nothing short of complete, honest and yes, maybe brutal truth can do the trick.

You see, if you aren’t aware yet, the problems you are facing here come as a result of individual issues that you and D are struggling with. He has his own obstacles (emotional and financial) to overcome and you have your inner woes to soothe. Hence it’ll be necessary for you to take this time out and rechannel your focus and energy to sort things out within yourself first, before you can see where this relationship is leading you to, or not bringing you anywhere near your desired outcome.

As for your son, I’m not sure how estranged you are from him now, or not. Have you been seeing him regularly? What else can you do for him, since you say he needs you?

If there is no driving force you can leverage on to clear out your issues, I hope your son can be it. I believe you want to be in the right emotional state to see him now and be with him. So, maybe it’s time that you use this love for your son to propel you and do something for yourself.

Sounds like lots of work is to be done here, I know. If you are open to engaging a professsional to assist you along, I’m here.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

P.S Divorcess still have a great chance of achieving a successful, loving and lasting relationship the second round. There have been cases to prove this. So do not be dishearten about the fact that your previous marriage had failed, because that should only mean you have more experiences and lessons learnt, which will only do you good than bad.

I was in a relationship with a guy who was 12 years older than me for 5 years.  During this time I gradually started to care for and take responsibility for his mentally challenged daughter and we spent almost every day together. 

All of a sudden things changed and he had a “friend” who was married and when I questioning the amount of time that she was spending he then responded that he didn’t like the jealous side of me and that he never saw me like this before and what did I have to worry about. I decided to back down and not pursue the conversation. 

It turns out that they were having an affair (him on me and her on her husband), he dumped me for her and I can not get over it.  We have a business together and he got her on the Board of Directors and has basically cut out my participation in the business.  Every time I see them I want to lash out. I don’t like feeling like this. 

Is there anything I can do to help my situation?  I also feel bad because his mentally challenged daughter has repeatedly called me and can’t comprehend why I am not around any more. She is very hurt by the fact that I am gone. But the part that I am trying to explain is that it is too painful for me to be around and do things with her after being hurt so bad.” - K

Dear K

I really empathise with you right now.  It must have been a roller coaster ride of huge waves of emotions and feelings sweeping over you. You are very brave to continue hanging on and to seek for help to get you out of your predicament. Please continue to have the courage to ride through this period, ok?

Now let’s take stock of your situation and see what are your options, shall we?

You need to realise that this relationship is over, completely because you know as well as I do if you’re able to accept him back into your life again.

So how do you move forward? It seems like the sticky part comes from the business investment and his daughter’s attachment to you. Let’s work on these 2 issues now first.

1. Business

If you are a shareholder and Director of this company, then I believe that he has no right to remove you away from the operations. Even if he were to get someone else on board, you have to endorse that inclusion by holding a Director’s meeting. Unless he roped the support and agreement of the other shareholders (if there are any besides you and him), otherwise he can’t do this to you.

Have you spoken to a lawyer regarding this? If you haven’t, it will be wise to seek one’s professional advice on your stand and rights in this company.

If you’re thinking of withdrawing, then be prepared to negotiate the terms with him. Things will be easier if you have an agreement drawn up before the company was incorporated on the terms for withdrawal. If you don’t, I’m sure the lawyer will be able to help.

2. Daughter

Now, this could be tricker to handle because of her special circumstance. You have to decide if you still want to continue your friendship with her based on the attachment and bonding both of you already share, or to end it altogether so that everything is clean between you and him.

I know making this decision could be a tougher one than whether to stay on in the business or not.

If you choose not to be with her anymore as what you’ve said, then how do you plan to do it with the minimum amount of hurt on her? You have to acknowledge that she will feel hurt no matter what, because it isn’t easy for someone like her to be so attached to a person.

But that doesn’t mean that it is now your sole responsibility to ensure that she is safe. Her father has a big role to play as well. What you can do is to smoothen out the effects of your detachment by explaining to her that you will not be able to go to her house and accompany her anymore. Tell her at least a few times so that this information will go into her. 

Let her father know about this and the rest is up to him.

Are you going to answer her phone calls in future? What does each option give you? Go through them and you’ll know which one will give you peace of mind.

Lastly, I may be wrong, but I got the feeling that you are angry and helpless now. Are you? If you are , I hope that you can work on this as well so that you will not bring this burden with you as you continue on with your life, and possibly your next relationship. I believe that you don’t like having this heavy feeling on your chest and bearing anger wherever you go.

All the best to you K. I wish that you will find peace, love and happiness.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]cheating, extra-marital affair, breaking up, moving on, relationships[/tags]

I met a guy a year ago. We did love each other. But he went back to his hometown and won’t be back to my place next year. So that is a long distance relationship. At first, we talked so often like at least 3 times a week and almost more than 2 hours everytime. But we didn’t chat much a few weeks ago. I thought that he got another girlfriend. I was so unahppy.

In my birthday, he sent me a bunch of roses with a sweet card. That’s so sweet. What he said is, “I hope I can join your life soon. Love you so much…etc” and we talked on phone for hours. At that time, all my suspecious gone. But we still don’t talk to each other that often. His excuse is he’s so busy at his school work and he’ll talk to me very soon.

I didn’t feel bad about that till I found that a girl leave him a message on net saying something like ” I love you so much my boyfriend…etc” Then I asked him who the girl was. He told me she’s just his ex-girlfriend and he complained that he told me before why I forgot. But the truth is, the message was leaved to him recently. How possible she’s just his Ex???!

I was so pissed off then I dated some other guys and I told him that I kissed with somebody. I didn’t know why I did that. I lost my mind. He’s so angry when I told him. He said “I may talk to you in my next life time. U cheater. U enjoy your life with that guy.” Then I called him he never replied. Two weeks gone. Last night I received a SMS from him. His text was kinda cold “Hey, how are you?” Just say “how are you”??? Even without any signature or whatever!

What does that mean? He just wants to see I’m alright or he’s not angry anymore? Should I called him back? Love, S” - S

Dear S

I hope by now you have realised what has gone wrong in your relationship. It seemed like there is no trust between both of you.

Whether or not he has lied to you about that girl, do you think it justifies you kissing another guy? Let’s put aside who is right or wrong now, and look at the underlying issue.

What were you thinking of when you did that? Was it an act of revenge? Maybe you could use this chance to do some reflection as well.

We do and say things that we will usually regret later when we are angry. But that doesn’t mean that we can rid ourselves of all the consequences that come along from that moment of rash.

You have to be responsible for kissing that guy, while your boyfriend has to accept his for sending that angry sms. Both have hurt each other, don’t you agree?

Would you like to salvage this relationship? If you do, then what is stopping you from calling him and giving him a detailed explanation? That is what I mean by taking responsibility and doing what you can to remedy the damage done.

If both of you still have feelings for each other, then I am confident that the misunderstandings can be cleared.

But what I’d like to highlight here is the issue of trust, or rather lack of it in this case. I would suggest that you lay down the boundaries with him if you were to start afresh. What kind of interaction between him and the opposite gender is considered acceptable to you? Do you expect full honesty from him?

It’s alright to have expectations of each other in a relationship. That’s normal. However, if you expect your partner to be able to read your heart and mind without you telling him, then that would be a bit too much to ask for, isn’t it?

Besides trust, if you two were to have a second chance at this relationship, I’d also suggest you get to know each other better in deeper terms. What are your values? How do you handle arguments?

Especially when you are in a long-distance relationship, if you don’t know your partner well enough, a slight stir will cause it to rock. When mishandled, it will even crash, like the previous time.

I wish you all the best S. If you need professional assistance to learn how to be a better partner and to handle relationships, I’ll be here for you too.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]dating & relationship, trust, cheating, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, long-distance relationship[/tags]

I broke up with my girl friend on June. Till now I can’t get over her because I only realise how deep my love is for her…

There’s a story that goes, “couple will only truely treasure each other after accident”, and this is my case! I regretted that after the quarrel with her, I didn’t make the effort to call her.

After few months of ‘cooling period’, the pain of losing her starts surfacing. I know I can’t get myself over is not because I cannot stand the loneliness or sorrow, but in fact I love her so much that I don’t want to let her go.

Life is miserable for me, I know I have met the right person, but at the wrong time, as in since she is my 1st partner, I did make a lot of silly mistakes which anger her, & I also take her for granted sometimes.

Kloudiia, I’m lost, I’m so lost… She says she has no more feeling for me, but my feeling for her is much greater than before. She shun me while letting other guys to enter her life… She is looking for a job now & I don’t want to disturb her with relationship problem, but I’m really scared that as time goes by, our feeling will eventually fade away… I am so scared that she will be with another guy sooner or later…sob~” - KS

Dear KS

Oh dear, I can feel how deep your remorse is from your mail. You know, in a relationship, it takes two to tango. So as much as you really like to be with her again, you know as well as I do that you can’t force love to happen again, do you agree?

I’m not sure if she meant it when she said she had no more feelings for you. Did she tell you this in person, or via other indirect modes of communication like sms or perhaps, email? How much of it does she mean, do you know?

If you don’t, is there anything else you can do to get a more confirmed answer?

Before you approach her again to ask for a reunion, are you ready to be a “new” boyfriend to her? Have you really known how to not take things for granted, and how to avoid making those “silly mistakes” that angered her in the past? And if you do upset her, do you know how to handle arguments effectively?

I understand you feel lost, as you could be getting more and more anxious as time goes by, waiting hopelessly for her to turn her head back and look at you and give you a second chance. Feeling lost is a natural behaviour and response.

But what is it you would like to feel instead? I’m sure you agree that feeling lost and panicky doesn’t really help in getting her back, don’t you? But, knowing what you can do and what is in your control does. So, would you like to do this?

Would you like to start making changes to yourself and the way you handle relationships while you show her your sincerity in patching back?

Would you like me to assist you on this? If you do, email me and let’s see how we can work out a coaching arrangement so that you will learn to be a better boyfriend and partner.

You may also like to know that I have an upcoming seminar this Saturday, which I believe will benefit you a lot. You can take it as a starter on learning about relationships, and what went wrong with your previous one and how you can resolve such issues if you were to get back with her again, or if you were to begin another relationship in future.

I hope that you will grow to be a better person, and that you will find love and happiness!

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]love advice, dating & relationships, breaking up, patch back, ex-girlfriend, taking for granted, love on rebound[/tags]