I have been dating this guy for over 2 mths. we have been out over 10x and each date lasts at least 5-8hrs. some of them even over 12 hrs. 2 weeks ago, I asked him where we are heading and he said “I like you..very much in fact. but i am probably not ready to be in a relationship”. So I probed him the reason and he mentioned about his emotional baggage. So he is still in love with his ex gf who broke up 6 yrs ago. They are now both single and travel on holidays together and are “friends with benefits”.

I questioned why they aren’t back together then and he said they needed to work things out. She actually cheated on him 6 years ago but he still cares for her greatly and mentioned that he does want to marry her eventually and will give it till he’s 30 yrs ago (He’s 28 yrs old now) I accused him of toying with my feelings since he effectively is “in a complicated relationship” but he insisted he is single.  I got mad with him and ignored his calls, MSNs and text messages for 1 week.

Today, he MSNed me and tried to test the waters. He also said he plans to take Friday off so we can hang out the whole day together. I declined his invite since I do not want to be a backup to his ex…I also feel like hanging out with him incessantly like this will only make me fall for him more and be more miserable should things don’t work out. I still do feel strongly for him so it was very very upsetting for me to have to turn him down… Please advise how i should approach our relationship.  He obviously still wants to hang out as friends without commitment but I doubt I am able to handle this ambiguity…let me know. Thanks.” - Z

Dear Z

I doubt anyone would be able to handle such ambiguity in relationships, especially if you’re looking for a serious and committed one.

From the way things are now, there is no relationship between you two. You’re probably still in the courting phase. Obviously, you both have developed fond feelings for each other, yet he’s still tied to his emotional baggage, as you mentioned.

You deciding not to hang out with him until he clears his own indecisiveness is a very wise move. It shows that you know how to draw boundaries and to exert them. I’m glad you’re doing this.

Logic is telling you to make a wise choice, yet emotions are raging in your heart and urging you to go ahead and love this man. The choice is now clear: Logic or Emotions?

Each choice comes with a consequence.

If you go ahead and continue dating him, or even enter into a non-committal relationship, how prepared are you to accept his indecisiveness as you invest more of your love and emotions? Are you okay with him continuing with his ex on whatever basis they have agreed on?

If you stop now, you are sending him a strong message that until and unless he sorts out his own affairs, you and him will never be possible. Of course, during this period, you may go through a cycle of “grieving” for the loss of a potential romantic relationship. I won’t guarantee there won’t be heartaches, but I’m pretty sure that at the end of it, you’ll grow stronger and perhaps have a better idea of the kind of person to attract into your life!

Perhaps you can sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and the position that you’re taking? At least, you’re the one making the choice and not waiting passively for him.

At the same time, it’ll be great if he can receive some professional help to overcome his emotional hurdle.

But, even if he chooses not to deal with this, your life needs to go on.

All the best to you Z.

Enjoy the coming holiday.

Love, Kloudiia

I have a girlfriend of 4 years. Recently, I started a hobby of blogging about social issues and through it, I got to know this girl M. Fast forward to 1 month later, I realise that I have fallen for M very deeply. I have told my girlfriend about this and we have discuss a lot on this. She wants me to pursue my happiness but at the same time to continue to love her. Now, mentally I have already decided that I wish to woo M, but at the same time, I still love my girlfriend. I know that it will be very unfair if I’m indecisive on who I wish to be with. On one hand I wish to be with M to see what lies in the future. On the other hand, I do not wish to hurt my girlfriend.

Some guys will think that I have the best of both worlds. 2 women willing to share me with someone else but I do not think it is great. Currently I am in the process of hating myself for being human. I do wish that all these never happen. That both women do not love me. That would be the best for me.” - DL

Dear DL

First of all, Happy New Year!

I certainly can feel how torn you must be experiencing right now, and yes, I agree with you that being in such a situation isn’t really a cause for joy, much to your friends (I’m quite sure they’re guys, right?) disappointment.

First and foremost, stop hating yourself! The fact that you can’t make a decision now doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. And you know as well as I do that you are far from one, and that’s why both girls are willing to work out such an arrangement in order to enjoy your personalised attention and maybe, affection?

Now comes the pill that’s probably hard for you to swallow. As much as you are procrastinating on it, I’m afraid you have to make a decision. It’s a MUST. I’m sorry, there are no other solutions. Because if you continue to go on like this, all 3 of you will be hurt more deeply than if you were to make up your mind now and choose to be with one. (or none?)

No one can foresee what the future lies, and it’s understandable that you’re curious about how you and M would be if you were an item. Yet, is this the most intriguing part of your relationship with her? Because if it is, I’m afraid it’s a bad reason to begin a relationship! You’ll always end up wondering what will it be like to be with someone else if that person comes along and attracts you like how M did now!

Or is there something else that makes you so intensely attracted to her? What is it? Is it her intelligence? Her wit? Her charm? Her ability to strike a conversation on a topic that interests you deeply (Since you mentioned you knew her from your blog)?

Does your girlfriend have all these traits too? If yes, then why aren’t you appreciating them? If not, then why aren’t you communicating to her that you like to be able to discuss issues close to your heart with her every now and then?

Because what you’re experiencing now is a huge dose of chemicals in your brain that is causing you to think of nobody else but M. So, you may not be even thinking about how to mend the drift between you and your girlfriend.

Yes, you’re in love (no doubt!), AGAIN, but that’s not what is going to make a relationship sustain through time and allow two parties in that relationship to grow concurrently.

Have you given some time to think about your current relationship with your girlfriend? Usually, when one party has a change of heart, instead of using the time to figure out whether or not your future will be rosier with the new person, why aren’t you looking inwards at yourself and your current relationship? If there isn’t anything broken, you wouldn’t be seeking for a replacement right? So what has broken down between you and your girlfriend? What is it that you want now which you may not want it before?

Regardless of what arrangements both ladies want, it’s up to you to decide what YOU want. Your girlfriend wants to keep you by her side, while M is afraid to be committal right now. So, before you make this decision, ask yourself what does a relationship mean to you? What do you expect to get from it? And what can you offer to a relationship? Are you already doing it now? Can you do better?

When you have all these answers, you’ll probably know what decision to make.

That’s all I have for you now. If you need some personalised assistance, you may consider taking up coaching. Drop me an email and I’ll get in touch with you.

Things will surely get better DL, when you decide to make a choice. Whatever choice you make, it’s always better than being stuck where you are now, because at least you have a direction from there.

All the best to you and may you and your family enjoy a happy 2009 ahead!

Love, Kloudiia

I met my BF during college, he was the uncle of one of my close friends. Since then we start getting to know each other by means of communication; texting, calls, emails, letters and chatting. Later on, we both agreed to be committed in a sense of online relationship.. so he become my BF for couples of months only, I broke up with him because I don’t want to be totally attached knowing that this relationship is not for real I always feel incomplete. I start longing for the real one.. someone that I can be with, someone I can hug and kiss, I can feel and see in personal. But unfortunately were in different side of the world.. he couldn’t find time to see me and be together thats why I decided to break up with him. Beacause it doesnt work out, I feel so bored in our realtionship. The break up was really good, we still friends after all.

After college, we go in our separate ways.. he got jobs in our country, and I luckily got a job abroad.. we lost communication after months but its like destiny that we met again online.. he found me in a website.. we start communicating again and same old story happpened “history repeat itself as what they called it” but then this time around I wouldn’t allow him to be part of my life more than as friends. I haven’t given him chance although he ask for it. I went home in our country for vacation only. And since we’re friends I agreed to meet him, we spend time together. We go out of town for weeks in islands with friends and spends weekends together. He always insist whenever he got chance to tell me he want second chance for our relationship, he keep on telling me that he will make it up this time. I said “NO” we better off as fiends.

But something happend that I really don’t expect.. we had sex and after what happened we still seeing and communicating with each other more and more. Time flies to fast and I have to go back to work, before my flight we talk and make things clear. He wanted to continue the relationship. And so we did long distance relationship.. but as our relationship was on going I heard many things about him from our friends that he was a GAY. My friends told me to break up with him. Even before,the first time I met him, I heard that issue already. But I just ignore it because we having online relationship not that too serious and its not really big deal knowing that I’m too young that time. I’m not that bother that much, but now I’m really bothered because I notice that as well during the time I was in our country and we spend time together. But its like its hard for me to believe i don’t know what stopping me to break up with him this time knowing his a gay. I really don’t know what to do? How would I know if he is really gay? How would I know if he really loves me or just using me to hide his real identity.

Thanks,
sweetangel”

Dear Sweetangel

This relationship, if it’s ever considered as one, sounds too complicated even for an adult, much less for a college student to be able to handle, really. In my opinion, you certainly don’t deserve to be in such a tricky situation.

There are more than one issue here that I can see, and the man’s sexual preference is just but one of them. The age gap is another issue. And he doesn’t seem to be mature in his thinking for someone his age. You didn’t mention how old he is, but since he’s the uncle of one of your classmates, I presume he’s a working adult while you’re still a college student. Hence in terms of knowing what he’s thinking and his real motives, you might have some degree of difficulty in reading his mind.

An online relationship sounds too far-fetched for anyone to be able to relate that to any form of connection between two people. And when he later found you again online, why is that considered as destiny when he knew too well there would be a high possibility of locating you on the “webosphere” (if I may invent this word) at this time and age when social networking sites are the norm for young people like you to make friends, to see and be seen? Gosh, even Barrack Obama can be found on Facebook. So, for your own sake, maybe you’d like to de-fantasize about this a little bit?

As at now, there are three things seeking your immediate attention. Let me put them in point form for your easy understanding:

1. Medical checkup. Since you’ve had sex with him, it’s advisable to go for a health checkup. I know this might sound ridiculous, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry. If possible, get a girlfriend or your mom to accompany you to the doctor. I hope you had protection during sex. 

2. Cut off ties. I know I shouldn’t sound imposing, however you know as well as I do how this situation is taxing you emotionally and mentally now. Does it really matter if he’s gay? How much do you know about this person to let him be part of your life in such an intimate way? How is his integrity like? His character? Is he an honest man? What good will come out from continuing this unclear relationship with him?  

3. Get support. You need to have a support network at this time if you were to be committed to have a clean cut with this person and get him out of your life totally. Have you considered confiding this issue with someone close to you and you know you can count on at a time like this? I hope you share a good relationship with your mother, for she’s naturally the best choice a daughter can hope to have to help you tide through this period. Otherwise, maybe you can consider getting a therapist. Is there any volunteer group in your town that provides such a service to college students?

You said you don’t know what is stopping you from breaking up with him. This, to me, only means that you are planning to break up with him. If my deduction is correct, then I must applaud you for making this decision. What is left now is for you to have that courage and determination to see it through. I forsee you’ll need to have a steel will to want him out of your life for he may not let you go so easily. Are you willing to walk away from this situation and move on with your life afresh?

You know only you can decide how to live your life, not anyone else, don’t you?

I hope you sit down and reflect upon this issue. What has this sort of relationship brought you so far? List down the good and the bad. Take a good look at them and see what are the lessons you can learn. 

If you need more help, please email me again.

I hope that you’ll have your life back in control again and I wish you all the best.

Love, Kloudiia

Good day to you. Came across your website while surfing the net. Tried to send in my message through your website but was bounced back??

I was reading your article on ’10 signs that he likes you’ and trying to recall if this guy that I met for the first time did what you mentioned.

He didn’t initiate the second date till today (it’s been a week plus since the first date) but occasionally when we meet online i.e. MSN, he will initiate the conversation, for a brief one and then log out to do his revision (he has a very important exam in September and kinda stressed up with that). Most of the time due to the quick conversation, we hardly chat things deeply but just a very casual one like ‘how’s day’..

So, my problem now is..I have a good impression on him, and wish to know how he feels about me, as from what I see now, he doesn’t seem to show more interest of knowing me. So, do you think I should do something to find out how he feels or just let it be (or at least wait after his exam)?? If you think I should find out, what do you think that I can do??

Is it true that girls should never initiate any date with guys as they will be turned off by that??

Hope to hear from you soon.” - YW

Dear YW

Ok, read this article ”Love Advice: 7 Tips & Strategies To Woo A Man Secretly” first if you haven’t done so already. Though the situation there may differ slightly from yours, have a grasp on the concept I shared in there and you’ll be in a better position when you need to come up with your strategy.

For now, let’s decipher his actions and see if we can find any clue to the answer in his heart. He has asked you on a second date. So that means he finds you good company. Though too soon to tell if that fondness can be further developed, at least one fact stands – you’re still in the game.

His lukewarm conversations on MSN could either be his character or as you’ve said, he needs to revise for an important exam. There are some people in this world who don’t relish chatting with someone and baring their hearts out while staring at a computer screen. They might be more interpersonal, and so MSN is only for very casual hi’s and bye’s.

Don’t read too much into his virtual habits. One thing you can take heart is he seems to always initiate a conversation with you. So this is a piece of good news. Even if he says hi to perhaps a hundred more girls at the same time is something we don’t know and won’t waste time in guessing. At least for this moment, these signs still look promising enough to pursue.

You know what, you have said something rather significant. I’m not sure if you know how important it is or not. You don’t really know him that well, do you? Since you guys hardly have any reasonable amount of time to chat about something deeper.

Do you think it matters to know him well enough before you decide if you should take further action? If you think it matters, then how about giving yourself some time now, while he is busy with exams, to list down what are the stuff you deem important to know. So that when the time comes, you are well-prepared.

If you are anxious now to see how high your chances are and unwilling to wait till exams are over, maybe you can engage him in some harmless flirting and banter. Not only can it help him to relax in the midst of tense studying, he may like to chat with you more! In the course of doing so, you’ve established yourself one place higher up in his heart.  

I’ll share this trick with you. During any conversation, when he mentions something or do something you find endearing, don’t let the golden opportunity slip by. Casually say things like “Oh that is so sweet/cool/smart/ingenious. This is what I’d look for in a partner,” and watch his reaction. If he’s also into you, he’ll probably return this favour.

I need to put a disclaimer here: Guys if you have read this and the next time a gal does this, please don’t embarrass her by asking her “Are you hinting to me you like me?” ok? Spare her the blush and react accordingly. She’ll be glad even if you don’t reciprocate her feelings.

To reply your last question, it’s alright now to let a guy knows how you feel towards him. He will only run for his life if you bite onto his tail and refuse to let go unless he returns your affection. There are ways for a woman to show her interest and in turn leads the guy into doing the chasing after all. *wink*

Last but not least, I’d encourge you to register to be in my mailing list. You might be interested in an upcoming seminar that you won’t want to miss out.

All the best to you YW.

Love, Kloudiia 

Hi, I was just browsing around and found your website. Ii read your article about “Is it over?” and I found it very helpful although I knew all those facts anyway. But I was talking to this guy for about 9 months and he recently told me in the most horribbe way that he no longer loves me the same. It really hurt me but what was worse was that it seemed like it wasn’t a big deal to him.

Anyways he wanted to be friends and things to remain the same and I eventually agreed to it. A few weeks ago I saw him and later that night we spoke (btw he lives in another city) and he seemed to be his old self again we actually had a good conversation. And he hinted that his old feelings were returning but said that if he “said anything things would change” we rarely spoke after that and a few days ago he said “I love you, you’re so funny” and things haven’t been the same.

He doesn’t call anymore and always has an attitude. I’m trying my best to move on but he gives me mixed signs and hurts me so much. Please help I have no one else to talk to. Thanks” - S

Dear S

Clearly, you still haven’t gotten over this guy. Otherwise I bet you’ll give him the same antics and make him feel as miserable as you now. Or maybe not, and I’ll be proud of you if you didn’t.

How to get you out of this vicious cycle? Apparently if you have read my post “Are We Over?“, then you would have known that his behaviour can be found literally all over the article. He is there, isn’t he?  

So what is it that you are still holding on to with the belief that this could actually be more than over?

Yes he hurt you. But aren’t you the one who is allowing him to hurt you more by granting him this permission? By attaching your emtions strongly to every word he says and every thing he does is equivalent to surrendering your power to him.

Talk is cheap. In this instance, talk is free. So while he doesn’t incur any liability by sprouting those “I love you” words loosely, you are actually classifying them as precious assets. And you aren’t even depreciating them over time!

I know you still like him and that’s why you are not prepared to give him up totally yet. What does it take for you to do that? A new relationship? Courage? Faith? Support? Or just a rude wake-up call?

How can you get all these resources for you to wipe him out from your love balance sheet and restore your bottom line back to seeing black instead of red? Think about this, and write down all the possible people you can go to, places you can visit, books you can read, advices you can seek or things you can do to take back your power and gain control of your emotions.

When you have done that, then you are ready to live your life with you as the centre and not him anymore.

All the best S. You can do it, you know? But you need to first want this freedom, otherwise even angels can’t save you from freaking out again when the next text message arrives with yet another amorous-and-noncommittal note.

Last but not least, from what I know, guys who are sincere in a committed relationships just, don’t, do all these, get it?

Love, Kloudiia

What if you don’t really like a person, but people say that you and the person make a cute couple? There’s this guy in my class. We argue almost everyday about random things. There are some days where I can’t stand him. Other days, he’s just fine when he shuts up. Geez, it’s like we’re an old couple how we act. I don’t know what this is: lust or just friends. Please help!” - AG

Dear AG

When someone can describe their relationship with another person as if they are an “old couple”, to me that sounds like perfect chemistry and nothing short of that! Yet the first thing you say is you don’t like him in your email. Hmm, you are confused indeed. Irony! Irony!

What makes you say you don’t like him, and if you are sure of this, then why are you confused over the status of your friendship? 

Ok, to give you benefit of the doubt, I shall assume you don’t dislike him to the extent to tick him out of your potential boyfriend list.  So let’s talk something something more exciting – lust, love or?

Whether or not is it lust depends on how you see this guy. Are you wildly attracted to him that you can’t wait to tear off his clothes and want to kiss him to death? If you’re not, then you can be at peace. Lust is not in the picture.

While lust can be so easily identified, we can’t say the same about this though – infatuation. Do you like him as a normal friend or is there something that is already in the brew and yet you are still not in the know?

What are the random things that you argue about? Are they of any significance to you knowing him better as a person? Do these arguments tell you something about his values?

Equally important is how do you quarrel? You may not pay attention to this since I believe those are on the spur moments, but maybe you can take note of this when the next spat occurs.  Why is this important? Because it’s another way of qualifying if he is a gentleman or a cad.

How do you care for and about each other? From here you can also probably tell if its a platonic friendship or if its really going somewhere.

Since you guys are still schooling, you can just take this slow and probably let nature run its course. At times, when you want to hurry, you may spoil that nice, tingling, bitter-sweet feeling of wandering in the grey area and about to step out into the real romance zone.

Don’t fret on this AG. Focus on your studies, and the rest will take care of itself. So long as you don’t kill each other after each argument, I guess both of you will be fine.

Lastly, if you’re so bothered by what people say, have you asked them why they label the two of you as a “cute couple”? Maybe there really is something that you are blind to… Isn’t it time to open your eyes now girl?

Love, Kloudiia

I had this crush on a guy whom I met about 2.5 yrs ago through a social event. He was 8 years younger than me.. 26 yrs old. He graduated from uni last year, now studying post grad course.

I know its not right for me to even think about it, but I just can’t help it. He’s mature, polite and charismatic. Have never told him my feeling, we are just mutual friends all these while. What should I do?

I know I should get on with my life and let it go.. but I can’t help thinking of him. I even thought of telling him, maybe jokingly over msn to test his response.. but I just don’t have the guts to do it. Its really torturing… I guess I’m afraid of losing him even as a friend after telling him.

Pls tell me what I should do… thks.” - J

Dear J

I can understand how torn you must be feeling now. 

You’re right – you should get on with your life. But whether or not to let him go is another matter altogether.

You mentioned it is a crush. So are you only overwhelmed with all his strengths like maturity and charisma (sounds like he’s a good catch so I’m sure many girls will easily have a crush on him!)? How well do you know him? His values, life principles, goals, hobbies, lifestyle and his character. Do they meet your criteria for a partner? How well do they fit or misfit with yours?

I hope you are not digging your own hole and burying your head in it by being blind to all the realistic aspects of a person. If you are sure that it is more than just a crush, perhaps even close to love, then it is decision-making time.

You realise you have two choices, don’t you?

One – to let him know how you feel and get on with your life.

Two – to let him go without ever letting him know your feelings, and hence you won’t know how he feels towards you too, and get on with your life.

The second choice is the most straight-forward. No risk, no gain. But you probably have to deal with licking your “wound” for some time until the pain goes away. There is also a possibility that you might regret later on your non-action, and wonder what if you did tell him.

Is this the best option you can choose?

The first option means you have to take some risk, and whether there is a 50/50 chance that you might get your way depends on the type of relationship you have with him now.

Does he treat you the same as all his other gal friends? Has he ever paid special attention to some things you said or done? Has he cared or shown concern for you in a more attentive way? Did both of you go on single “dates” before? Who initiated that and how did it go?

Regardless of which choice you make, be aware of what you will be taking away from each option and how happy you will be with that.

Lastly, why do you feel it’s not right for you to like him? Is he married? Engaged? Or is he already in a very close relationship with another girl? Because other than these reasons, I don’t see why it is wrong for you to like him!

All the best to you J.

Love, Kloudiia

P.S: You might like to read this post I wrote earlier on for some useful tips and reference – “Dating A Younger Man”.

[tags]courtship, unrequited love, secret admirer, crush, secretly in love with a man, love younger man, how to confess love[/tags]

Hi, I am currently an NSF still serving my NS (National Service). Due to my quiet character, I have not made many female friends. Thus, leading to me still being single. I would like to ask you what should I do so that I can make more female friends?” - K

Dear K

Before I tell you what you should do, I’d like to ask you to ask yourself this:

What have you done so far to make more female friends?

Of those things that you’ve done and efforts you made, what worked and what didn’t? Why they work, and why they didn’t?

There are a thousand and one ways to widen your social circle and make more friends of the opposite gender. But you have to know yourself well enough to know which method suits you the best and will produce the maximum results for you. Hence, I hope the above exercise will help to bring clarity to you in this aspect.

Now, what can you do? Here are some suggestions and pointers you can consider:

1. Friend’s girlfriends. They can be a good source for you to meet ladies, especially if you are the shy type who dare not approach girls in public. Meet your friends’ girlfriends and if you like their character, chances are their best girlfriends would be pretty close to your liking as well. Get them to recommend! Go out as a group and develop friendships naturally.
2. Have an open mind. Do not constrain yourself that you will only befriend girls who fall within your pre-set parameters. Now is not the time to decide on your future partner, but to really be in the thick of things and enjoy bubbling friendships. Learn how to communicate with the opposite sex, what they are thinking of, what they want.
3. Expand your existing base. Before lunging into the foreign worlds, why not tap onto your existing treasures? You said you do not have many female friends, that means you do have a few, right? What is the best way to find out how and where to make more female friends than from the same elusive group of human? Pick up your phone and check with your current gal friends now.
4. Be daring. Hey, you are in NS now! Our country needs bravery from you, and your social life needs the same thing from you too! Pluck up your courage and make that first step. Tell yourself that you are only making friends, and not asking her to be your girlfriend. If you have issues on your confidence, we can work on that separately. (Since you have a quiet nature, maybe this post can give you an idea on how to start)
5. Go online! At the rate of internet penetration into our society, there is no way we can sideline this option of going online to foster friendships. Social sites like Facebook and Friendster are good avenues to start with. Be genuine and sincere as there could be many guys who are out to “fish”. You can also join some forums and be active there. I understand that forum members do organise outings every now and then. In this way, you not only get to meet those female members you have been chatting online with, you are really going out to socialise and not hard core dating.

K, as I’ve said, whether any one method works depends on you. It’s good to tune your mindset to that of meeting people and socialising rather than dating and choosing a partner to begin with. This not only reduces unnecessary stress you could be adding onto yourself, it also means you have a higher chance of making an approach successful.

Good luck to you and may you enjoy this new journey of yours!

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]widen social circle, how to meet girls, finding girlfriend, dating & courtship, singles[/tags]

Hi! My name is M and I’m a 19-year-old student at the University of (Kloudiia: name deleted). I’m out-going, active, and I do some modelling on the side. Not to sound conceited or anything…:#) but I would say I’m pretty well-rounded. But I’m nonetheless completely troubled about relationships to a point that sometimes I feel that I have bad luck with dating, which is completely ludicrous but as I get my heart broken more and more times I’m starting to believe that it’s true.

First of all I find it hard staying single, I’m not exactly a socially independent person and I get attached really fast and gets clingy and paranoid really easily. I have noticed a clear pattern in my dating life, that is I start off by meeting the guy, and he would automatically start to pursue me, after I accept his offer of a date we go out get to know each other, and then comes the “honey moon” phase where everything is perfect and he seems really into me which usually lasts about 1 or 2 months and then ends. Then comes the hard part where he (usually) thinks about how we’ll turn out and then decides we won’t work out in the long-run and we break up.

I’ve just broken up with a guy recently, he is really something to me, and he confessed to me his feelings as well. He’s a bit of a “single guy”, he is a lawyer and quite a catch so he went into this thing with me thinking we’ll just be a fling, I was looking for fun as well for that it was my first year in University and I wanted to experiment.

So he took me out and we had a great time, but then he confessed that he was falling for me but he was in limbo because he did not want a relationship but he wanted me. He said things such as he didn’t want boyfriend duties, and he was too busy for obligations, such and such. I was cool-headed thinking that I have him and I can play hard to get so I told him that I have an ex-boyfriend coming here to see me from (Kloudiia: another state) which is true and he did come in the end and the worst thing happened, they bumped into each other at a night club.

But even before that incident, he told me that he had decided to back out because the side of him not wanting a relationship is taking over and he had decided to back down because he doesn’t want to get hurt. He also added on that he doesn’t like baggage, which in this case is my ex-boyfriend. There’s of course a lot of other complications in our situation, the fact that he is 10 years my senior made it difficult, and he confessed that’s also a factor in his decision making.

So now after all this a question arises in my head, since I’m not at an age where I should be considering marriage, how do I date without getting hurt? How do I go out with a person, and test the waters out to see if they ARE right for me knowing that if they AREN’T perfect for me I’ll get my heart broken. I want to have fun and I want to see who and what’s out there for me, but at the same time I need security and long-term commitments.

I have friends that are already setting their sights on marriage, and will not get into anything unless they know that person has the potential for a future together. I’m not sure that is the best way to do this, because for instance I start dating someone and we find each other extremely compatible, and then a few years down the road we realize we’re not perfect for each other and I leave with a broken heart. Please let me know, I am DESPERATE for an answer! ” - M

Dear M

It looks like you have your plate full, sensing from this email. Let me split the issues up.

Firstly, your issue of falling in love easily.

What is it that you are craving for inside you that makes you want to get attached with someone? What your email is telling me is you don’t really have any long breaks in between your relationships. So could you list down all the emotions that you are experiencing on a piece of paper when you are single vs that when you are attached? This exercise will help to put some perspectives in clearer for yourself.

I’m happy for you that you have already discovered your pattern in life when it comes to dating. So how are you using this piece of information to work for you, and not against you? That is to say, what have you done so far to prevent yourself from getting too clingy, paranoid and falling in love too easily and quickly?

There are methods you can employ to work on this area. Let me know if you want to do it, ok?

Secondly, the lawyer and your ex-boyfriend. 

This looks like a closed clase. So maybe you can make use of this to reflect about what have you learnt from this episode?    

Thirdly, how to date without getting hurt?

You mentioned fun, security and long-term commitment. I take this to mean that these 3 values are the top-most important ones you are looking for in a partner. That’s great! You know what you want!

Now, can all these 3 values come together in one person? Many people, maybe including you, wrongly assume that a fun person will tend not to commit or provide security. Whether or not a man is willing to commit depends on factors such as his age, level of maturity and how seriously in love he is with a girl that he is willing to give up the others and to focus on building a relationship with only one. He still can be a very fun person to be with.

Now how to know if he possess such values to meet your criteria? Very simple. Just observe and communicate. Ask him questions that will check on his integrity and character. Observe how he behaves with other people. Notice his body language when he is giving his opinion on those topics. These are all tell-tale signs about a person. Whether or not he is willing to commit is something that you can ask him directly. Doing this not only helps you to decide sooner if you are going to spend more time with him, it also conveys a message to him that you are looking for commitment, and if he isn’t, then both of you don’t fit with each other.

M, having a long-term relationship takes more than just the falling-in-love feeling of excitement and fun, which will definitely wear off. It’s just a matter of how much time it takes for the effect to turn bland and dull. It requires lots of patience, understanding, accomodating and communication to make things work between two people. It is hard work, I hope you know this now. But the results of having a lasting and loving relationship are much more satisfactory and extremely rewarding.

I hope you have fun exploring the different types of guys you meet, and at the same time, bring you closer and closer to the ultimate special someone who will be with you for a long, long time.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]loving and lasting relationship, dating, commitment phobia, emotional baggage, breaking up, dating[/tags]