My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 year now. Both of us were divorcee and we are now 38 years old. We went through rough patches and tough times as both of us knew each other at the wrong time when we were still married to our own spouses. You may say we cheated on our spouses but back then both of our marriages were on the rock and were on the verge of divorce even before my boyfriend appeared.

Subsequently, last year March I had his baby but back then both of us were not officially divorced but separated from our spouses. But I was uncertain about this relationship even though he loves me alot and is ready to marry me and rush his ex wife for a divorce but I was still unsure because he can be unreasonable and his bad temper is a killer.

I was finding difficulty letting go of my son knowing if I will to give birth to the baby I would lose my son. In the end, I decided to abort the baby left my boyfriend D and go back to my husband and family. But after the abortion, I was so vulnerable, regretted my decision, felt extremely guilty and plus my husband was unable to accept me immediately back and D hated me and couldn’t forgave me and wanted to have a clean break with me. I was devastated and I pleaded D to forgive me. I cried day and night losing my baby and D. Then I realised that I do love D very much.

After one month of pleading and begging, he decided to give me a chance and we got back. In order to appease him, I gve up my son’s custody and requested for a divorce. But this one year plus was a tough and rough journey. He treated me nasty and lash out on me whenever he was frustrated. He kept bringing up the mistake that I have done. Having said that, he still make effort to call me daily, text me every morning to tell me he reached office and he loves me.

In June, we went for a holiday after that our relationship has progressed and we started to talk about our future of marrying at the end of last year. Then subsequently as the months past, I felt he has lost it again. In Sept last year, I couldnt take the uncertainty and change of his mood anymore that I flared up and left his house one of the weekend.

On Monday, he met up with his ex girlfriend whom he was with while he was still married. On Wednesday, I called him he was determined to break off with me and again I pleaded him telling him we can work things out. And so we were back again.

I asked him whether he was serious with me and want to marry me. He said yes but he is not ready financially and emotionally. I do sense he loves me alot. But he is just not ready to marry because he had a bad divorce. He was divorced in june and I was divorced in Sept last year. Then he promised me that this year, we will get a house and get married. I was so happy that finally he is ready to commit,

Perhaps I was too anxious and fearful that he will change his mind anytime so in Jan this year, I started to hound him like a mad dog. He was triggered and pull away as he was feeling extremely stress by me. We had alot of arguement every week since then till now.

Then we were doing fine and he brought me to jewelry shop for my dowry. In fact last year Sep he already got for me the wedding ring. Last week we had a big arguement again because again when I asked him whether he wanted to view flats, he kept delaying and I was indignant.

He told me he can’t trust me still, don’t have confident that our relationship will last and he is afraid of divorce again that he will lose out again. He is extremely fearful of marriage. Basically I don’t know what’s in his mind?

He even told me if his bonus is good this June then we will go maldives for holiday. Last year, he told me he will definitely bring me to maldives for honeymoon. But this year, I doubt its for honeymoon anymore.

Just a few days ago, he again told me we were not compatible and that I am too demanding and he complained everything about me. He really not happy and he just want to be alone. He told me if I still want to be with him then we will just cohabit as he wont step into a marriage anymore.

Next morning, he told me sorry he promised me that he will be positive and he told me he just too stress and he really feel like giving up everything; his work, classes and relationship. He don’t know why he is so negative. He asked me whether I can revert to my old self where we can joke, talk and laugh and where I was always cheerful. But now, it seemed we have nothing much to talk about, my face is always so sour and we don enjoy and its so bored being together.

I do love him alot.. along the way, I do try to give myself other opportunities because my emotion is always roller coaster.. his inconsistency makes me cry every other day and I am really going insane soon… I am not ugly, infact above average. But it seem its so difficult to find someone that can accept me being a divorcee with a son even though my son is not under my custody.. even with those who can accept may not necessarily have chemistry with them.. I feel so stuck in my siutations.. I wanted to jump out but I can’t… I wish he can change his mind about me and make a firm decision not changing all the time..

hope you can help me…

I hope you understand my feeling and his and help me to analyse the stiuation. What should I do? If i give him space will he revert back?

I really feel like going back to the family as my son needs me. But my ex has found someone and married. So what should I do? Even though, I love D, but I can’t trust he is willing to work on this relationship and have a future with me. Perhaps its my problem of trusting him but till now he didnt give me any assurance. I am suffering and torn apart.. I feel like a failure and have nothing now…

Now, he has made his stand clear that he won’t marry me because he has fear whether we can work things out. He is now distant and cold and very reserved but he still make effort to call and text me which I find its more of a responsibility than love. I can sense that he is seeing no future with me now and simply feels we won’t last long.

Please help me to analyse whether he is taking me as a sideline now. Awaiting for your reply. How should I apply your ebook and change his mind about me?

Thks. J”  - J

Dear J

I’m not sure if you are aware that you are very stuck in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Maybe you are, but you are still hidden behind an inflated belief that things will turn around and he will stand firm on his decision to love you, be with you and marry you.

You have to know if you need to move on or not. Ask yourself what needs to happen that will make you say “That’s it. I’m out of here”? Is that list a long one? Could you identify which one is the dealbreaker?

You and D have been through a lot, as compared to other couples in a more common relationship. Divorces notwithstanding, there was an abortion, lack of trust, insecurity, instability and also doubts and confusion to handle.

The emotional and mental stress you are bearing now is undeniably high, made worse by the various highs and lows during this period. Could this be why you are behaving so possessive and unbearing towards him?

You have come to a time where your relationship has reached a plateau. He is not willing to commit to marriage. So, my question is: what are you hoping to get out of this relationship? Marriage? Companionship? Love? Affection? What is the most important one for you? Are you getting it? Do you think you will ever get it? What does it take for you to get it? What does it take for you to do something about this when you don’t get it?

Yes, I’ve asked a barrage of questions, and I really need you to look at them not just as questions, but keys to opening the lock in your heart right now. At this point, nothing short of complete, honest and yes, maybe brutal truth can do the trick.

You see, if you aren’t aware yet, the problems you are facing here come as a result of individual issues that you and D are struggling with. He has his own obstacles (emotional and financial) to overcome and you have your inner woes to soothe. Hence it’ll be necessary for you to take this time out and rechannel your focus and energy to sort things out within yourself first, before you can see where this relationship is leading you to, or not bringing you anywhere near your desired outcome.

As for your son, I’m not sure how estranged you are from him now, or not. Have you been seeing him regularly? What else can you do for him, since you say he needs you?

If there is no driving force you can leverage on to clear out your issues, I hope your son can be it. I believe you want to be in the right emotional state to see him now and be with him. So, maybe it’s time that you use this love for your son to propel you and do something for yourself.

Sounds like lots of work is to be done here, I know. If you are open to engaging a professsional to assist you along, I’m here.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

P.S Divorcess still have a great chance of achieving a successful, loving and lasting relationship the second round. There have been cases to prove this. So do not be dishearten about the fact that your previous marriage had failed, because that should only mean you have more experiences and lessons learnt, which will only do you good than bad.

I had ROM 2 years back and has been staying separately with my husband, spending only weekends at his place. We usually make love 2-3 times a month. We had our customary marriage in Dec 2007 and had our first sexual intimacy on the 2nd day after the wedding. Since then, he has not shown interest in making love or shown much interest in touching me. Previously, even if we didn’t make out, he will still touch me. I feel so deprived and don’t know how to broach about the topic. I’m beginning to feel the relationship is getting unhealthy without sexual intimacy but we are not on any cold war or quarrel ground.” - J

Dear J

Though unusual, but your husband is definitely not the only one who is behaving like this after he got married. I hope you find some comfort knowing this.

There are many reasons leading to his low libido. Some of them could be:

1. Stress. Work related stress is usually one of the main culprits for a low sex drive. Or he could be worrying about other stuff, like the finances. Think carefully and see if there are some areas in your life now after marriage that could be stressing your man out that he is too focused on that even you in bed is not a distraction to him anymore.
2. Physical condition. Is he suffering from any ailment now that could result in his non-performance? As much as you are shy to broach on this topic, your husband may be embarrassed too to admit that he is temporarily unable to make love to you. Maybe this is why he is not even touching you, as he’s afraid that you will take it as more than just a touch and wants to bring it further.
3. Low sexual drive. Be prepared that he could be one of the few guys with a very low sexual urge. I’ve known couples who only have sex once every 2-3 months. I’m not sure if he falls in this category, so you need to ask him. If he is, then both of you need to talk about it and come to an agreement on the frequency of your sexual activities.

Your husband’s lack of interest may be due to one of the reasons above, or none of them. I don’t know, neither will you if you choose to remain silent about this issue.

I know you are shy to talk about this, given the values that you could be implanted into when you were young that women shouldn’t take the initiative in sex or you will be seen as immoral. But, this is not any Tom, Dick or Harry you are with. He’s your husband! The man whom you are closest to and will be with you for the rest of your lives.

Nothing is not communicable. Which also means everything has to be communicated! So you have to take the first step and let him know that you too, have your need. That you too crave for the sexual intimacy with him to express and release that deep love you feel for him. That you too love to make love with him.

In the process of doing so, make it safe for him to tell you what could be the most intimate thing that he is about to share with another person. Be supportive, and not interogative. Be concerned, and not demanding.

Who knows, he could also be wondering why it never bothers you that you aren’t making noise at all till now!

But if there really is some serious problems after you two had talked about it, maybe you might like to consider going to a professional sex therapist. I’m sure they can help.

Last but not least, stay optimistic, and be understanding. If you need more help after you have spoken to him, you can always contact me.

All the best to you and may your marriage flourish and stay loving and lasting!

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]sexless marriage, love and marriage, low sex drive, communication[/tags]

Hello my name is S I am from South carolina. I am in love with a man who do not have kids. I cannot have any. Lately here I found out he do not love me. And that hurt me a lot. I love him dearly. He says he love me. But not in love with me. But my thing is. He wants a child. So that love what he got for me that bond of a woman is not there for me. I think he is go out to get him a child from somewhere else. I can not handle that. He do not really want to leave me. And I really do not want to lose him. But by going out making a baby is not fair to me. Sometimes he does not even come home at night. My heart can not handle all of this. I am going though so much with him. I just do not know what to do. Because I do love him.:sad:” - S

Dear S

You must be going through an emotional torture now. As a woman, to accept the fact that you cannot bear any child is already a tough one. Now, you need to handle one additional heartache of your partner seeking another woman’s help to bear him a child. Gosh, how tired you must be feeling now!

I’d like to give you a big hug for hanging on there, for the sake of love.

How about compromising on a solution together? Have you guys thought of adoption? By adopting, you merely skipped the first part (which is pregnancy) but you will be going through the more challenging, but definitely rewarding, part of bringing the children up together as parents. Bring this idea up to him and see how he react.

Being together is to create a common experience as a couple. You are there for each other, and with each other. If for any reason one party stops being there, then effectively the relationship has ceased to be present. Sacrifices are inevitable. So, is he willing to build a life together with you without your own kids? Can he see that as another type of relationship, though “fruitless” but still can be extremely fruitful and fulfilling?

Ultimately, you hold the key to the type of relationship you want in your life. Monogamy is one factor that we fiercely fight to uphold. If he is not able to see eye to eye with you on this, then is he the right man for you who will walk with you till the end of days?

Give this a good thought S. If you need more assistance to go through this patch and to move on, I’ll be here to work with you via our coaching programme. Please feel free to contact me anytime.

All the best to you. Pray for peace, strength and courage. You’ll need that.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]having babies, family and parenting, monogamy, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner[/tags]

About 3 years ago I started a new job, about 1 month later I met a man, I had seen him around but never really payed attention, one day we were sitting outside and we made eye contact for the first time. I swore to this day I felt like I was hit by a mack truck! I actually felt as if I should be picking myself off the ground. Anyways, as time went by we would talk when we were at work, I asked him questions about him self, he is the most intriguing person I have ever met.

Any ways after about another month, I heard that he was married. I have never had any interest in a married man. But he was different. No matter what I did, he was always in my head. I was seeing someone at the time and things weren’t good and we split up. This amazing man and I spoke almost every time we saw each other. We were both guilty of smiles overcoming us when we saw the other. Anyways, I had said a few times, you should come over and have some coffee sometime. He spoke of his marriage as if he was not happy and she was only in it for the money, but never directly said. I guess it was just a feeling I had.

Well he had told me, he slept on the couch and his wife was gone every weekend. And he worked weekends. Well one night before we got off of work, I said “Would you like to come over and have some coffee?” and he actually followed me home. I have never cheated in my life and I certainly don’t agree with fooling around with married men, but he was different. We never did have sex, we did fool around a little though. At one point it got so heated as if we had been waiting for this moment our whole lives. He said ” I’m not ready to leave her yet”. And the hot and heavy faded and he left.

Well several months went by and we continued speaking at work, and he came over again, just a little fooling around. I decided to get the nerve to kiss him and he pushed me away, but continued to do what we were doing. Well in the mean time my friend had set me up with this other guy, who I was very honest with about not wanting a relationship with him, I think I just gave up and was trying to block Mr. Wonderful out because it seemed like he would never leave his wife and I felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough. I ended up leaving that job, got pregnant by the guy I didn’t want a relationship with, we have lived together for the past year.

I am very unhappy. I have dreams all the time of Mr. Wonderful, he makes me smile at the thought of him. I know I am totally head over heels in love with him. And I feel like he might be pushing his feelings away also. I got up the nerve to call him at work about a week ago (it had been a year since we spoke). I said “Hi it’s M”, he said immediately “Hey how are you” he said everything is the same with him. Kinda like he is bored with his whole marriage and his life. He never once told me to leave him alone. Wouldn’t a guy that really don’t care tell me to leave him alone? Wouldn’t he forget me after a year? If he only wanted sex, wouldn’t we have done it?

He has been my love for 3 years now and I have not had any change of heart. I know he is the one I am supposed to be with. But I also don’t know if he feels the same way. Please help me? Give me suggestions or whatever. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you soon.” – M

Dear M

I empathise with you, I truly do. I can feel the kind of torment you are going through now, as your heart yearns for one while not having him.

I believe he could just the “the one” for you, no doubt about it, as I read about the kind of chemisty both of you share. At the same time, you’re really a lucky girl to have met him and not some other chaps who are in for the sex.

BUT, and this is a big but, Mr Wonderful is married.

AND he will remain unavailable so long as he remains married. If there is to be any change in his marital status, YOU are definitely not the one to cause it to happen. HE and HIS WIFE has to bear responsibility and to make their own decisions.

He has chosen to stay with his wife, so why are you choosing to stop at where you are and not look at other options to have a more fulfilling relationship?

I hate to splash cold water on your head, but I’m afraid I have to do this, and I believe this is what you’d like to hear too, since you have taken the initiative to write to me.

What I’d like to say is I hope you can answer this question honestly:

“How do you know he is the one for you? How sure are you that he will make a good husband, if he is available for marriage?”

We all fantasise about people, especially those whom we are infatuated with and not being able to have. I feel that you have been fantasising about being with him too much, but are you really sure that he will be able to give you life-long happiness? Because until and when you are really with him for good only then will you discover more things about him. It’s never the same when you are in this strong-infatuation stage. Everything about the other person is just wonderful and perfect.

There are some options you have, and the decision is up to you. You are in charge of your life and your relationship. So whether or not he feels for you is independent of the fact that he is married and you can’t be together in the open due to this fact.

You didn’t mention anything about your pregnancy with the man you are living with now. So why are you so sure you won’t want to have a relationship with him? Is it because you are in love with Mr Wonderful Yet Unavailable? Look at this man you are with closely, and observe if he has the qualities to be a good husband and father. Chances are, you could be totally blind to his merits as you continue to fantasize about the other man.

The choice is up to you, and I know you know this. M, I hope to hear from you when you have made up your mind on how to pursue real happiness!

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]dating & relationship, third party, extra-marital affairs, infidelity, love and marriage[/tags]

How to Choose Between Two Simply Perfect Girls?

I’m in this kind dilemma’s. Recently, I gotta know these 2 great girls. Both are extremely hot and pretty, both of them are from differents country. One is from China yet another was from neighbour country and both of them was falling in love with me and want to be my wife badly. They has make a decission to travel to Singapore to be with me in next few months time.

This thing is getting me worry and nervous. As I love both of them. I think both of them have their unique personalities that attracts me.

I enjoy the moment of spending time with both of them.
and now I gotta choose 1. sigh…………………….
as both of them was planning to come here to spend the rest of their life with me.
If I don’t make decision now. there’s high chances that I might lose both of them.

Which one is the right one I should get marriage with?? The right one that I should spend the rest of my life with?

Any idea how to choose?” - S

Dear S

Lucky you! Or unlucky you?

You know as well as I do that the happiness of two perfect girls lie in your hands, or rather, in your heart.

You say you love them both, and both of them are reciprocating your feelings as well. And you are considering which girl to marry at this point when you have not formally .

Marriage is a serious thing in life. It speaks about full commitment and dedication to one person. The emphasis is one person. If you are strongly attracted to two person at the same time, then how ready you deem yourself to be ready for marriage?

Spending time with them is very different from being committed together. Have you found out how compatible you are with either of them in terms of values, attitude towards and outlook on life, financial values etc? Do you know what it takes to manage a relationship?

Attraction will not last forever. Therefore, it shouldn’t be used as a gauge to decide whether or not you love a person enough to want to commit.

Before you make any decision, I strongly suggest you do some homework yourself in discovering how ready you are for any relationship now. Only then you will have the answer to which girl to choose. When you want to take more responsibility in this area of your life, you can consider taking up our love coaching program to assist you.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags] triangle relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, dating & relationship[/tags]