Dear A

I’m proud of you for holding on to your principles in withholding pre-marital sex. Well done!

Do you generally have difficulty in trusting people? Or did your suspicions arise out of your boyfriend’s secrecy? If it’s the latter, have you communicated your feelings toward his unexplained behaviour to him? Let him know how you feel when he’s keeping things from you, but refrain from blaming him for making you insecure, because that’s your own thought in response to his action, not that he is forcing you to be doubtful.

It’s normal for couples to keep each other informed of their whereabouts, but if he has gone overboard by bombarding you with calls, maybe you’d like to consider if he’s invading into your own space too much. Will he loosen his grip after you tell him gently that his interference is suffocating, and not what you find to be loving? If not, then you probably should be thinking how comfortable you are to have him tracking you so intensely. He does sound like too controlling while desiring an unlimited of freedom on his side.

Well, whether or not he’s cheating on you, you can only know if he’s honest with you. But it seems that you have certain unresolved issues of trust with him, so you have to work on this if you plan to keep this relationship going. Otherwise, you’re going to believe that he’s cheating on you, even if he may not be. A relationship with no trust is sitting on very rocky grounds, and just a nudge will bring it to shatters.

In every relationship, there will be some parts that we love and enjoy, and others that we have to endure or compromise on. Nobody is perfect, we just learn to live with those imperfections. So, is what you’re getting out from this relationship more important than what you’re not getting? Maybe by answering this question as honest as possible, you’ll know the choice to make.

When you say that he’s unwilling to break after you initiate it, did you set any rules for him to adhere to? Why did you want to break up? Be clear on your reasons, and if you are giving him and the relationship a chance, then both parties need to know where is the line that they have to keep within. At least in this way, you’re not ding-donging between the two outcomes and the possibilities. You set the markers to tell you when you need to make a decision.

Lastly, both of you are very young, and I’m not very certain if you know how to handle a relationship. It’s not just the I-love-you and You-love-me romantic heart-beating emotions, it’s much, much more. If you haven’t read my book, I’d urge you to get a copy and read it. Your boyfriend should find it an easy read to, as many of my male readers have feedback to me. A suggestion for you to consider!

All the best, A.

Love,  Kloudiia

I’ve a boyfriend whom we have been together for 5yrs+. We have LDR (long distance relationship) since March 2009. and we had a lot quarrels from March-June 2009. Ended up in July 2009, he called for a month cool down period..

At that time, I came to know about The 69 Love Notes.. I really appreciate the contents of the book and I committed to myself to make the changes because I WANT a loving and long-term relationship.

After the cool down period, we got back together. He noticed my changes, but deep in his heart, he feel uneasy as he thought all the changes that I’ve made is just because of his ‘threatening’.. and claim that the ‘feel’ has lost… he is coming back this week.. What should I do??

Do I need to take up the love couching program? If yes, HOW?

Hope to hear from you real soon.” - Q

Dear Q

I’m glad to hear that you’re committed to making changes so that you can have a long-term relationship, really glad. Not many people out there are willing to put in effort and work hard to achieve this, you know? So, regardless of how your relationship with your boyfriend turns out, you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back for the great work you’ve done!

I’m not sure why your boyfriend says he no longer feels for you, though I do suspect the frequent quarrels in the past could be a major reason. You see, when a couple goes through a period of constant arguments, the negative energy that hangs around them can cause them to lose all the nice and good feelings they used to have for each other. Unless they both have the commitment to want to ride it out no matter what, and learn new techniques to resolve the issues that are troubling them, chances are the relationship is heading towards the end.

Your boyfriend could genuinely be unconvinced that your changes are for the purpose of wanting to save the relationship, or he could be using it as a facade. He might be feeling insecure that you have made progress and he has still remained the same. Or, he might be using that as an excuse so that he doesn’t have to admit that he no longer likes you.

Or, none of these are true. He could genuinely believe that what you have been doing is not going to last. If this is the case, then the only way to let him know you’re really committed to making the relationship work is to continue to be a better person and apply those strategies and tips you’ve learnt. Time will show the truth, wouldn’t you agree?

I think it’d be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Find out what’s the real reason for the initial breakup, and if he sees this relationship having a future.

You can consider taking up coaching if you want to have a clearer idea of what you actually want and how to get there.

Lastly, I wish that you and your boyfriend will be able to work out all these confusions and doubts circling each of you and your relationship. I hope that regardless of how your relationship turns out eventually, you’d still continue to practise those things you’ve learnt from my book. Because you should have probably come to realise by now that they not only help you to have a lasting and loving relationship, when applied on oneself, the tips are also great to prepare you better for the next one to come.

All the best, Q.

Love, Kloudiia

Hi, currently I’m having long distance relationship (LDR) with my boyfriend for about a month and he still have 23 months more before coming back to SG. Can guide me how to maintain my LDR well? I’m afraid we might not be able to communicate well due to the 15hrs time differences. Thanks” - JQ

Dear JQ

I’m glad you asked! Because that only means you’re really committed to making this relationship work, and commitment is crucial for all relationships, especially LDR.

We know that communication is the key to maintaining relationships (more so for LDR), so let’s see how we can keep this line open via these methods:

Phone or Skype

I believe you can find a time suitable for you two to talk? Say if it’s 9am on our side it’ll either be 6pm or midnight at his (depending he’s 15 hours before or behind us). This should be a good time for both of you, or you can adjust accordingly.

Set say, 15 to 30 minutes of time aside and do nothing else except talking to your boyfriend. Both of you can decide how frequent you need to speak to each other. Invest in a good webcam and microphone if you’re using Skype (or MSN). Then you’ll be able to see your boyfriend’s face and hear him clearly too!

Have a mutual agreement that when you two have decided on the time and date for a phone or webcam session, stick to it, even if it means cancelling other appointments. If one party cannot make it, inform the other party in advance so that you don’t have to worry unnecessary. This may sound very trivial, and when you two are in the same country it’s alright. But when one party is somewhere far away, triviality is somehow magnified. So, stick to the preset timetable.

In between these phone sessions where you can’t hear his voice, write.

Blogs
Do you know that you can set your blog to be private and accessed by passwords only? Maybe both of you can set up such a blog and post your daily updates. This is great because when you are on the phone with him, you can save time (and money!) by skipping the details and talk about the more important stuff.

Plus, you can upload lots and lots of photos! In this way, both of you are still involved in each other’s lives, which is what you want to keep a LDR going. This also helps to keep the passion alive.

If you’re not keen on the idea of setting up a blog, you can also post photos onto Facebook and set the permission level – only allow him to view those photos and vice versa. I just thought a blog is good because it has the time stamp and can track your thoughts and activities in chronological order – excellent for you two to reminisce later when he’s back!

Emails
Of course, how can we do without them?

As you can’t see each other’s body language and facial expression, and it’s impossible to hear the tonality in written communication, please always bear in mind to give your partner the benefit of the doubt if you think something’s amiss.

Always make it a point to ask him nicely (not interrogate) if you find something fishy or if you sense that he’s upset about certain things when you two get on the phone. Do not let misunderstandings pile up and cause a drift between you two. You are already physically far enough, and what you need to do is to bridge the gap, not widen it!

Cards
Send each other cards on special occasions, or on no occasion and for no special reason except to say hi and tell him you miss him. Being alone and so far away from loved ones, I’m sure your boyfriend would be elated to receive something from home.

You can also send each other little gifts that don’t cost much to courier or mail. These little things will help to remind you of each other.

Besides great and constant communication, here are other tips that’ll help to ease the anxiety you feel about this LDR.

Trust
When you can’t see each other, you can only believe what your partner tells you and vice versa. Therefore, please don’t allow your mind to wander off into some danger territory. By that, I mean unnecessary worries that he’s up to no good. Unless he has done something wrong, give him the complete and total trust. This is very helpful for him to focus on what he needs to do there too.

Discuss with your boyfriend and promise each other that you’ll be truthful and honest. And, keep to your promise.

Visit him
Since he’ll be there for another 2 years, would you be able to pay him a visit? Take it as a holiday.

Maybe both of you can start now by planning a date (one where both of you can take at least a week’s leave off from work). With a date fixed, it helps to do the rest.

You can research for the best deals, or keep a look out for any promotions that happen every now and then.

In the meantime, save, save, save!

And it’s good to have something to look forward to, isn’t it?

Commitment
Like I say, if you two are really committed to making this relationship work, you will do whatever it takes to overcome any obstacles that may come between. Finding ways to compromise on many issues is crucial when you can’t see each other.

If you have this, then I would say that you have half the victory with you already.

Continue your social life
Have a good support network of close friends and continue to socialise. You need to get accustomed to the fact that your boyfriend may not be able to be there for you physically at times when you needed him to, hence, having a good support network helps extremely well.

Personal Development
You can make use of this 2 years to pick up a new skill or indulge yourself in a new hobby. Was there anything that you have been wanting to do but you lacked the time when he was around? Now is the best time to do it! And when your special one is back, you can show your new talents to him proudly and let him see how you have changed for the better too. Isn’t this nice?

Hope the above helps. All the best to you JQ!

LOVE, Kloudiia

I have been dating this guy for over 2 mths. we have been out over 10x and each date lasts at least 5-8hrs. some of them even over 12 hrs. 2 weeks ago, I asked him where we are heading and he said “I like you..very much in fact. but i am probably not ready to be in a relationship”. So I probed him the reason and he mentioned about his emotional baggage. So he is still in love with his ex gf who broke up 6 yrs ago. They are now both single and travel on holidays together and are “friends with benefits”.

I questioned why they aren’t back together then and he said they needed to work things out. She actually cheated on him 6 years ago but he still cares for her greatly and mentioned that he does want to marry her eventually and will give it till he’s 30 yrs ago (He’s 28 yrs old now) I accused him of toying with my feelings since he effectively is “in a complicated relationship” but he insisted he is single.  I got mad with him and ignored his calls, MSNs and text messages for 1 week.

Today, he MSNed me and tried to test the waters. He also said he plans to take Friday off so we can hang out the whole day together. I declined his invite since I do not want to be a backup to his ex…I also feel like hanging out with him incessantly like this will only make me fall for him more and be more miserable should things don’t work out. I still do feel strongly for him so it was very very upsetting for me to have to turn him down… Please advise how i should approach our relationship.  He obviously still wants to hang out as friends without commitment but I doubt I am able to handle this ambiguity…let me know. Thanks.” - Z

Dear Z

I doubt anyone would be able to handle such ambiguity in relationships, especially if you’re looking for a serious and committed one.

From the way things are now, there is no relationship between you two. You’re probably still in the courting phase. Obviously, you both have developed fond feelings for each other, yet he’s still tied to his emotional baggage, as you mentioned.

You deciding not to hang out with him until he clears his own indecisiveness is a very wise move. It shows that you know how to draw boundaries and to exert them. I’m glad you’re doing this.

Logic is telling you to make a wise choice, yet emotions are raging in your heart and urging you to go ahead and love this man. The choice is now clear: Logic or Emotions?

Each choice comes with a consequence.

If you go ahead and continue dating him, or even enter into a non-committal relationship, how prepared are you to accept his indecisiveness as you invest more of your love and emotions? Are you okay with him continuing with his ex on whatever basis they have agreed on?

If you stop now, you are sending him a strong message that until and unless he sorts out his own affairs, you and him will never be possible. Of course, during this period, you may go through a cycle of “grieving” for the loss of a potential romantic relationship. I won’t guarantee there won’t be heartaches, but I’m pretty sure that at the end of it, you’ll grow stronger and perhaps have a better idea of the kind of person to attract into your life!

Perhaps you can sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and the position that you’re taking? At least, you’re the one making the choice and not waiting passively for him.

At the same time, it’ll be great if he can receive some professional help to overcome his emotional hurdle.

But, even if he chooses not to deal with this, your life needs to go on.

All the best to you Z.

Enjoy the coming holiday.

Love, Kloudiia

Hi, I am only 18 but I have lost all my confidence in guys. I first started having my first relationship when I was 16 and that was my last. I never did trusted another guy after because I felt that all they were saying were flattering and all lies. My first relationship was like a breeze, it came a little too soon and gone with the wind even before anything much started. It lasted for only three months. But I was into what he said, stuffs like “I love you till the end of time and space”, ” For you are the brightest star, no other stars I therefore see.” Please help me to regain my trust and confidence in men.” - P

Dear P

Sweet 18! Many girls your age are fantasising about being swept off their feet by their prince charming, and my heart goes to you for having to carry on such a huge burden from your last relationship.

The reason you’ve lost the ability to trust men could be due to the fact that your first boyfriend “betrayed” the trust that you had unequivocally given to him. You were not prepared for such a fast exit when you’re barely warmed up enough to relish in the joy that a first love usually brings.

Well, trust is one of the pillars that support a relationship. Without it, a relationship will usually crumble in time as it wouldn’t be able to withstand the many trials that life will surely bring.

Regaining trust and confidence in men, though takes time, is certainly achievable. Firstly, you can start by knowing that the fact that your first boyfriend had left you doesn’t mean that all men would behave like he did. Else we wouldn’t have so many happy and lasting marriages in this world, would we?

Secondly, I would like you to have confidence in yourself. That’s right, be confident. You probably are experiencing fear that you’ll be lied to, and in the process, lost your courage and confidence to believe in your ability to gauage a person’s sincerity again. Hence, your negative reaction to all men could be a way of protecting yourself.

P, I’d like you to know that, when you are denying people who could be sincerely complimenting you, you are actually telling yourself that you do not deserve to be praised. Is this true? Surely, there must be some truth in those “flatters”, right?

Learning to trust people takes time. You can begin doing so in baby steps. Do you have any closer guy friends? How’s your relationship with them? Is it good? Have they been honest to you all this while, but you’ve just chosen to ignore it?

A relationship doesn’t depend on feelings only to make it work. In fact, if it does, then we’ll have many broken relationships before we know it. A relationship works because both parties are truly and totally committed to making it work, even when those feelings of being in love is gone. But, you may be still young to fully appreciate what is love in a committed relationship. So, just know that perhaps, your first boyfriend probably meant it at that point when he said he loves you and you’re the brightest star. His issue is probably that he didn’t expect his feelings to change so fast, and, neither did you.

Life offers us many great experiences along the way. Not all lessons are sweet. In fact, many of them are bitter, and often times, give us heartbreaks. But that only means that we’ll become stronger and be a better person who knows how to love and be loved.

You can choose to take that first relationship as a good experience and move on, or you can choose to let that bad experience haunt you and be an emotional baggage that is weighing you down.

It’s your choice, because it’s your life.

May you begin to experience the beauty that having faith and confidence in yourself brings. Trust will come along naturally, if only you trust that it will.

Love, Kloudiia

I have a girlfriend of 4 years. Recently, I started a hobby of blogging about social issues and through it, I got to know this girl M. Fast forward to 1 month later, I realise that I have fallen for M very deeply. I have told my girlfriend about this and we have discuss a lot on this. She wants me to pursue my happiness but at the same time to continue to love her. Now, mentally I have already decided that I wish to woo M, but at the same time, I still love my girlfriend. I know that it will be very unfair if I’m indecisive on who I wish to be with. On one hand I wish to be with M to see what lies in the future. On the other hand, I do not wish to hurt my girlfriend.

Some guys will think that I have the best of both worlds. 2 women willing to share me with someone else but I do not think it is great. Currently I am in the process of hating myself for being human. I do wish that all these never happen. That both women do not love me. That would be the best for me.” - DL

Dear DL

First of all, Happy New Year!

I certainly can feel how torn you must be experiencing right now, and yes, I agree with you that being in such a situation isn’t really a cause for joy, much to your friends (I’m quite sure they’re guys, right?) disappointment.

First and foremost, stop hating yourself! The fact that you can’t make a decision now doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. And you know as well as I do that you are far from one, and that’s why both girls are willing to work out such an arrangement in order to enjoy your personalised attention and maybe, affection?

Now comes the pill that’s probably hard for you to swallow. As much as you are procrastinating on it, I’m afraid you have to make a decision. It’s a MUST. I’m sorry, there are no other solutions. Because if you continue to go on like this, all 3 of you will be hurt more deeply than if you were to make up your mind now and choose to be with one. (or none?)

No one can foresee what the future lies, and it’s understandable that you’re curious about how you and M would be if you were an item. Yet, is this the most intriguing part of your relationship with her? Because if it is, I’m afraid it’s a bad reason to begin a relationship! You’ll always end up wondering what will it be like to be with someone else if that person comes along and attracts you like how M did now!

Or is there something else that makes you so intensely attracted to her? What is it? Is it her intelligence? Her wit? Her charm? Her ability to strike a conversation on a topic that interests you deeply (Since you mentioned you knew her from your blog)?

Does your girlfriend have all these traits too? If yes, then why aren’t you appreciating them? If not, then why aren’t you communicating to her that you like to be able to discuss issues close to your heart with her every now and then?

Because what you’re experiencing now is a huge dose of chemicals in your brain that is causing you to think of nobody else but M. So, you may not be even thinking about how to mend the drift between you and your girlfriend.

Yes, you’re in love (no doubt!), AGAIN, but that’s not what is going to make a relationship sustain through time and allow two parties in that relationship to grow concurrently.

Have you given some time to think about your current relationship with your girlfriend? Usually, when one party has a change of heart, instead of using the time to figure out whether or not your future will be rosier with the new person, why aren’t you looking inwards at yourself and your current relationship? If there isn’t anything broken, you wouldn’t be seeking for a replacement right? So what has broken down between you and your girlfriend? What is it that you want now which you may not want it before?

Regardless of what arrangements both ladies want, it’s up to you to decide what YOU want. Your girlfriend wants to keep you by her side, while M is afraid to be committal right now. So, before you make this decision, ask yourself what does a relationship mean to you? What do you expect to get from it? And what can you offer to a relationship? Are you already doing it now? Can you do better?

When you have all these answers, you’ll probably know what decision to make.

That’s all I have for you now. If you need some personalised assistance, you may consider taking up coaching. Drop me an email and I’ll get in touch with you.

Things will surely get better DL, when you decide to make a choice. Whatever choice you make, it’s always better than being stuck where you are now, because at least you have a direction from there.

All the best to you and may you and your family enjoy a happy 2009 ahead!

Love, Kloudiia

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 year now. Both of us were divorcee and we are now 38 years old. We went through rough patches and tough times as both of us knew each other at the wrong time when we were still married to our own spouses. You may say we cheated on our spouses but back then both of our marriages were on the rock and were on the verge of divorce even before my boyfriend appeared.

Subsequently, last year March I had his baby but back then both of us were not officially divorced but separated from our spouses. But I was uncertain about this relationship even though he loves me alot and is ready to marry me and rush his ex wife for a divorce but I was still unsure because he can be unreasonable and his bad temper is a killer.

I was finding difficulty letting go of my son knowing if I will to give birth to the baby I would lose my son. In the end, I decided to abort the baby left my boyfriend D and go back to my husband and family. But after the abortion, I was so vulnerable, regretted my decision, felt extremely guilty and plus my husband was unable to accept me immediately back and D hated me and couldn’t forgave me and wanted to have a clean break with me. I was devastated and I pleaded D to forgive me. I cried day and night losing my baby and D. Then I realised that I do love D very much.

After one month of pleading and begging, he decided to give me a chance and we got back. In order to appease him, I gve up my son’s custody and requested for a divorce. But this one year plus was a tough and rough journey. He treated me nasty and lash out on me whenever he was frustrated. He kept bringing up the mistake that I have done. Having said that, he still make effort to call me daily, text me every morning to tell me he reached office and he loves me.

In June, we went for a holiday after that our relationship has progressed and we started to talk about our future of marrying at the end of last year. Then subsequently as the months past, I felt he has lost it again. In Sept last year, I couldnt take the uncertainty and change of his mood anymore that I flared up and left his house one of the weekend.

On Monday, he met up with his ex girlfriend whom he was with while he was still married. On Wednesday, I called him he was determined to break off with me and again I pleaded him telling him we can work things out. And so we were back again.

I asked him whether he was serious with me and want to marry me. He said yes but he is not ready financially and emotionally. I do sense he loves me alot. But he is just not ready to marry because he had a bad divorce. He was divorced in june and I was divorced in Sept last year. Then he promised me that this year, we will get a house and get married. I was so happy that finally he is ready to commit,

Perhaps I was too anxious and fearful that he will change his mind anytime so in Jan this year, I started to hound him like a mad dog. He was triggered and pull away as he was feeling extremely stress by me. We had alot of arguement every week since then till now.

Then we were doing fine and he brought me to jewelry shop for my dowry. In fact last year Sep he already got for me the wedding ring. Last week we had a big arguement again because again when I asked him whether he wanted to view flats, he kept delaying and I was indignant.

He told me he can’t trust me still, don’t have confident that our relationship will last and he is afraid of divorce again that he will lose out again. He is extremely fearful of marriage. Basically I don’t know what’s in his mind?

He even told me if his bonus is good this June then we will go maldives for holiday. Last year, he told me he will definitely bring me to maldives for honeymoon. But this year, I doubt its for honeymoon anymore.

Just a few days ago, he again told me we were not compatible and that I am too demanding and he complained everything about me. He really not happy and he just want to be alone. He told me if I still want to be with him then we will just cohabit as he wont step into a marriage anymore.

Next morning, he told me sorry he promised me that he will be positive and he told me he just too stress and he really feel like giving up everything; his work, classes and relationship. He don’t know why he is so negative. He asked me whether I can revert to my old self where we can joke, talk and laugh and where I was always cheerful. But now, it seemed we have nothing much to talk about, my face is always so sour and we don enjoy and its so bored being together.

I do love him alot.. along the way, I do try to give myself other opportunities because my emotion is always roller coaster.. his inconsistency makes me cry every other day and I am really going insane soon… I am not ugly, infact above average. But it seem its so difficult to find someone that can accept me being a divorcee with a son even though my son is not under my custody.. even with those who can accept may not necessarily have chemistry with them.. I feel so stuck in my siutations.. I wanted to jump out but I can’t… I wish he can change his mind about me and make a firm decision not changing all the time..

hope you can help me…

I hope you understand my feeling and his and help me to analyse the stiuation. What should I do? If i give him space will he revert back?

I really feel like going back to the family as my son needs me. But my ex has found someone and married. So what should I do? Even though, I love D, but I can’t trust he is willing to work on this relationship and have a future with me. Perhaps its my problem of trusting him but till now he didnt give me any assurance. I am suffering and torn apart.. I feel like a failure and have nothing now…

Now, he has made his stand clear that he won’t marry me because he has fear whether we can work things out. He is now distant and cold and very reserved but he still make effort to call and text me which I find its more of a responsibility than love. I can sense that he is seeing no future with me now and simply feels we won’t last long.

Please help me to analyse whether he is taking me as a sideline now. Awaiting for your reply. How should I apply your ebook and change his mind about me?

Thks. J”  - J

Dear J

I’m not sure if you are aware that you are very stuck in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Maybe you are, but you are still hidden behind an inflated belief that things will turn around and he will stand firm on his decision to love you, be with you and marry you.

You have to know if you need to move on or not. Ask yourself what needs to happen that will make you say “That’s it. I’m out of here”? Is that list a long one? Could you identify which one is the dealbreaker?

You and D have been through a lot, as compared to other couples in a more common relationship. Divorces notwithstanding, there was an abortion, lack of trust, insecurity, instability and also doubts and confusion to handle.

The emotional and mental stress you are bearing now is undeniably high, made worse by the various highs and lows during this period. Could this be why you are behaving so possessive and unbearing towards him?

You have come to a time where your relationship has reached a plateau. He is not willing to commit to marriage. So, my question is: what are you hoping to get out of this relationship? Marriage? Companionship? Love? Affection? What is the most important one for you? Are you getting it? Do you think you will ever get it? What does it take for you to get it? What does it take for you to do something about this when you don’t get it?

Yes, I’ve asked a barrage of questions, and I really need you to look at them not just as questions, but keys to opening the lock in your heart right now. At this point, nothing short of complete, honest and yes, maybe brutal truth can do the trick.

You see, if you aren’t aware yet, the problems you are facing here come as a result of individual issues that you and D are struggling with. He has his own obstacles (emotional and financial) to overcome and you have your inner woes to soothe. Hence it’ll be necessary for you to take this time out and rechannel your focus and energy to sort things out within yourself first, before you can see where this relationship is leading you to, or not bringing you anywhere near your desired outcome.

As for your son, I’m not sure how estranged you are from him now, or not. Have you been seeing him regularly? What else can you do for him, since you say he needs you?

If there is no driving force you can leverage on to clear out your issues, I hope your son can be it. I believe you want to be in the right emotional state to see him now and be with him. So, maybe it’s time that you use this love for your son to propel you and do something for yourself.

Sounds like lots of work is to be done here, I know. If you are open to engaging a professsional to assist you along, I’m here.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

P.S Divorcess still have a great chance of achieving a successful, loving and lasting relationship the second round. There have been cases to prove this. So do not be dishearten about the fact that your previous marriage had failed, because that should only mean you have more experiences and lessons learnt, which will only do you good than bad.

Hi, I was just browsing around and found your website. Ii read your article about “Is it over?” and I found it very helpful although I knew all those facts anyway. But I was talking to this guy for about 9 months and he recently told me in the most horribbe way that he no longer loves me the same. It really hurt me but what was worse was that it seemed like it wasn’t a big deal to him.

Anyways he wanted to be friends and things to remain the same and I eventually agreed to it. A few weeks ago I saw him and later that night we spoke (btw he lives in another city) and he seemed to be his old self again we actually had a good conversation. And he hinted that his old feelings were returning but said that if he “said anything things would change” we rarely spoke after that and a few days ago he said “I love you, you’re so funny” and things haven’t been the same.

He doesn’t call anymore and always has an attitude. I’m trying my best to move on but he gives me mixed signs and hurts me so much. Please help I have no one else to talk to. Thanks” - S

Dear S

Clearly, you still haven’t gotten over this guy. Otherwise I bet you’ll give him the same antics and make him feel as miserable as you now. Or maybe not, and I’ll be proud of you if you didn’t.

How to get you out of this vicious cycle? Apparently if you have read my post “Are We Over?“, then you would have known that his behaviour can be found literally all over the article. He is there, isn’t he?  

So what is it that you are still holding on to with the belief that this could actually be more than over?

Yes he hurt you. But aren’t you the one who is allowing him to hurt you more by granting him this permission? By attaching your emtions strongly to every word he says and every thing he does is equivalent to surrendering your power to him.

Talk is cheap. In this instance, talk is free. So while he doesn’t incur any liability by sprouting those “I love you” words loosely, you are actually classifying them as precious assets. And you aren’t even depreciating them over time!

I know you still like him and that’s why you are not prepared to give him up totally yet. What does it take for you to do that? A new relationship? Courage? Faith? Support? Or just a rude wake-up call?

How can you get all these resources for you to wipe him out from your love balance sheet and restore your bottom line back to seeing black instead of red? Think about this, and write down all the possible people you can go to, places you can visit, books you can read, advices you can seek or things you can do to take back your power and gain control of your emotions.

When you have done that, then you are ready to live your life with you as the centre and not him anymore.

All the best S. You can do it, you know? But you need to first want this freedom, otherwise even angels can’t save you from freaking out again when the next text message arrives with yet another amorous-and-noncommittal note.

Last but not least, from what I know, guys who are sincere in a committed relationships just, don’t, do all these, get it?

Love, Kloudiia