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He Has Kids From Previous Relationship

“Kloudiia

Hi there. He’s 12 years older than me and we’ve been together for 3 1/2 years. We’re planning to get married and I knew ever since he has kids with a previous girl. We’re good so far and he doesn’t allow them to even try to enter in our current relationship. Would this be okay? Am I sinning?” - K

Dear K

When you’re asking me in the context of sin, I’m not so sure what you are referring to. Is it religious sin? If so, then perhaps you can consult your religious leader about this and this person will be able to give you good advice on what you should do.

On a secular level, it’s good that your boyfriend is protecting your relationship from external factors. What is your real concern? Is he totally ignoring his children? Or is he not including them whenever he’s with you? Does he separate his relationship with his children and with you exclusively?

I don’t know how old his children are. But if you were to marry him, then I suppose you’d have to know them sooner or later. There’s no way you and them can be mutually exclusive forever. Are you ready to build a relationship with his children? How much about them do you know? If not, maybe you can start getting to know them bit by bit through him.

Maybe this is too early to think about, but since we’re on this, so I thought it’d be good for you to consider the option of starting a family with him. Do you plan to have children? If so, do you see him as a good father figure?

There is probably a good reason for your boyfriend’s behaviour. It’d be good for you two to communicate and let each other know the thoughts and feelings you have about the situation. If both of you are really committed to making this work, then I believe it’ll all turn out well.

All the best to you K.

Love, Kloudiia

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The Overdue Proposal?

"Good day to you Kloudiia. Just call me F. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now and it’s a long distance relationship. During this year there was a time that we broke up for almost a year but still ended up together. We see each other once a year. She broke up with me. I asked her what the reason are, and she kept on telling me this and that and I found out from her mom that she was so frustrated because she expected me to propose to her this year. 
Before this happened and before she left I talked to her and told her that I’ll be proposing to her next year and after the engagement we can have a civil or church wedding if she wants. I told her my plans. And now she broke up with me and she keeps on telling me to let go of her cos I’m not giving up on her because I love her. I just don’t know what to do right now on how to have her back. She told me that she likes someone else but I don’t believe in it coz she is just telling that so that I can let go of her coz that’s the same thing she told me before when we broke up. Please help me. I want to save this relationship. I love her and she is my life." - F
Dear F
I hope I didn't get you wrong. Your ex-girlfriend broke up with you because you didn't propose to her, the reason and plan which you've already given to her prior to that. So, is that really the cause for the breakup? 
Why are you doubting her words that she likes someone now? Do you have evidence that she's lying or just using this as a ploy? Even if it's a ploy, what's her main intention? 
A relationship breaks up for many reasons, some can be totally incomprehensible even to the party involved. You may like to recall on the period before she threw in the towel. Was there any difference in her attitude and the way she was communicating to you? Was she still showing you care and concern like she used to? Did she say "I love you" to you? Was she hesitant in responding to your emails, or when speaking to you? What do you notice about her that, on hindsight, would have given you some clues to her change of heart and mind in this relationship? 
It takes two to tango. Maybe before you do anything to win her back, you can check if she really likes someone else, and not just brush it aside? I hope you're not doing this because of denial. 
If there isn't someone else, then find out what's the real reason for the breakup (and it happened twice?). If you aren't convinced by the one that's been given, then it's either you have to get the truth from her, or you have lots of reflection and recollection to do. When was the first time you noticed some changes in her attitude and behaviour towards you? What events had taken place before that? Did she mention anything that she found disturbing to you? How did you address those, or did you not address them at all? 
These are just some questions that hopefully will help you in your own reflection. 
Don't just broadly assume that just because you have broken up and patched back before means that this break up isn't for real.  Were the problems that led to that breakup solved, or did they recur again after you patched back? How did you get together again? 
I'm not sure if you still are separated physically from her. If so, I really like to ask, why so long? If it's for studies, then you should have finished in 4 years' time. If it's for work, then why aren't you two making plans to move to live in the same city? Was she waiting for you to have some concrete plans and do something about this, and when she has waited long enough, she decided to leave? I'm just guessing, you would know better. 
Lastly, if she's really the girl whom you love so much and want to have as your wife, then you'll have to show her through not just your words, but your actions that she means that much to you as you say. And, be patient. 
All the best to you F.
Love, Kloudiia

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Mr. Superficiality?

“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve got a copy of your 69 Love Notes and I think it’s great!  It makes for a great wedding gift too.  Hope you are going to write a revised edition sometime.

I’ve been pondering over secret #6, Interior Decor for your relationship and I think it’s very true that physical beauty fades over time, but I’m quite superficial and I feel like I want to have a partner who is  physically attractive in my eyes.  Even though I’ve met some people who are very beautiful inside I didn’t pursue things further because I didn’t find them physically attractive enough.  My question is, should I continue looking for someone who looks pretty or should I just try to be less superficial and accept that looks fade?  If the latter, do you have any practical advice on how I can change and become less superficial?” - S

Dear S

I’m going to start with a cliche (ouch!) – okay, here goes. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. There, I’ve got it out of my stomach!

Thanks for your compliments of my book, that’s nice, and I’m glad you find it useful for you and your to-be wedded friends!

What I meant in Secret #6 was a reminder that inner beauty is the only form of beauty that not only passes through the test of time, but actually gets better when one sets his/her heart on cultivating it.

That said, physical attractiveness should not be neglected too. That forms one of the basis for attraction, and that’s why people should make it a point to still look as good as they can be after they are married. So, you’re not superficial to want your partner to be attractive, but you will be if that’s the only criteria you have.

What are the other traits and qualities in women that you find positive and attractive to you? Are you naturally drawn to girls who are chatty, or quiet? Aggressive, or shy? Outgoing or homely? What values do you hold dear and important in life and relationships? Do you know the type of person that will suit you, besides the looks?

I’ve mentioned many times before that attraction is very subjective and is a matter of perception. And good news is, it’s pretty easy to boost up the looks department by changing either the hairstyle, colour, or even a piece of attire, and some make-up. Viola! The girl begins to shine! There’s no ugly women, only lazy ones, I always tell people.

I’m glad that you’re admitting how important physical looks is to you. Sometimes it’s more important for people, like yourself, sometimes it’s less important for others. Both are just fine. It’s about acknowledging this is a crucial criteria to you and knowing the kind of partner to look for. Just don’t be blown away solely by how she looks, and forget to find out the true her underneath that radiant cover.

One last thing I’d like to say is, beauty has been much over-rated and stereotyped by the media. So I hope that you’re not basing beauty on what you see on TV and magazine covers. If you are, well I’m wishing you good luck!

All the best to you S. I’m sure you’ll find someone who fits both your bill of looks and inner beauty!

Love, Kloudiia

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Swinging In A Rocky Relationship

“Kloudiia

I really would like to know if my boyfriend is cheating on me. We’ve been together for one year seven months. We’re not sexually active and I don’t intend to have sex until I’m married but sometimes he says he wants to and I don’t because if something happens it would be like he just played me for sex. We have arguments every day; it’s either because I’m texting him and he takes a long time to reply or he just gives me a lame excuse. One night a girl text him he said was a friend another night someone called him and he told them he’s in a class he would return their call. When I asked who it was he said it was someone from work. Everyday we argue because deep down I feel and think he has someone else but there is no way I can prove that, since we’re together I never cheated on him nor do I intend to but it’s all eating me up just to know the truth and every time I want to end the relationship he doesn’t want that he says I’m over reacting and ridiculous and I’m so tired of putting up with all of this. He goes where he wants to and with whoever he please and I can’t say anything and if I’m going out he has a problem and doesn’t want guys calling and texting me. This relationship is not fair to me and I’m tired being faithful and honest and not gaining anything from it and I gain is stress everyday…and I really love him but if I have to leave I will… I’m 20 and he’s 21. Please help.” – A

Dear A

I’m proud of you for holding on to your principles in withholding pre-marital sex. Well done!

Do you generally have difficulty in trusting people? Or did your suspicions arise out of your boyfriend’s secrecy? If it’s the latter, have you communicated your feelings toward his unexplained behaviour to him? Let him know how you feel when he’s keeping things from you, but refrain from blaming him for making you insecure, because that’s your own thought in response to his action, not that he is forcing you to be doubtful.

It’s normal for couples to keep each other informed of their whereabouts, but if he has gone overboard by bombarding you with calls, maybe you’d like to consider if he’s invading into your own space too much. Will he loosen his grip after you tell him gently that his interference is suffocating, and not what you find to be loving? If not, then you probably should be thinking how comfortable you are to have him tracking you so intensely. He does sound like too controlling while desiring an unlimited of freedom on his side.

Well, whether or not he’s cheating on you, you can only know if he’s honest with you. But it seems that you have certain unresolved issues of trust with him, so you have to work on this if you plan to keep this relationship going. Otherwise, you’re going to believe that he’s cheating on you, even if he may not be. A relationship with no trust is sitting on very rocky grounds, and just a nudge will bring it to shatters.

In every relationship, there will be some parts that we love and enjoy, and others that we have to endure or compromise on. Nobody is perfect, we just learn to live with those imperfections. So, is what you’re getting out from this relationship more important than what you’re not getting? Maybe by answering this question as honest as possible, you’ll know the choice to make.

When you say that he’s unwilling to break after you initiate it, did you set any rules for him to adhere to? Why did you want to break up? Be clear on your reasons, and if you are giving him and the relationship a chance, then both parties need to know where is the line that they have to keep within. At least in this way, you’re not ding-donging between the two outcomes and the possibilities. You set the markers to tell you when you need to make a decision.

Lastly, both of you are very young, and I’m not very certain if you know how to handle a relationship. It’s not just the I-love-you and You-love-me romantic heart-beating emotions, it’s much, much more. If you haven’t read my book, I’d urge you to get a copy and read it. Your boyfriend should find it an easy read to, as many of my male readers have feedback to me. A suggestion for you to consider!

All the best, A.

Love,  Kloudiia

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The Attractive 21 Year Old Single

“Dear Kloudiia,

I’m 21 and haven’t had a boyfriend yet. I get attention from men on dating sites, but they usually just chat me up and don’t date me, or are creeps I don’t want to date. I’ve only been on 5 dates my whole life… I’ve been told Im attractive and I get stares from guys sometimes, but I don’t think its enough. What do I do?” - Confused

Dear Confused

My, you’re only 21! Is there any special reason making you feel that if you don’t have a boyfriend at this age, you’re not good enough? If there are, why don’t you list all of them down and spend at least two to five minutes, or as long as it requires, to really think through each of them. How valid are they that you’re allowing them to affect your life in this manner? Is it due to peer pressure? Or because you’re attractive so everyone expects you to be dating someone?

As the song goes, you can’t hurry love. Really. If you force yourself to jump onto a fast track, I’m concerned that you might get yourself into some situation where you’re either not ready for, or not suitable for.

I’m glad you don’t want to date creeps, though I can’t say I’m fully clear of the kind of person you shove under this category. But at least it shows that you’re watching out for signs that pre-warn you of a person’s character, which is very important before you decide to bring the online friendship a step further into the offline world. So, continue to use your wise discernment and choose carefully. It’ll do you good, I believe.

Take this easy. Let it move at a natural pace. Be open to making friends, and if this person is really someone you enjoy speaking to and probably share similar values with, then what’s stopping you from asking him out for a coffee? Make it casual.

You may also like to check with your close friends, or family members-whoever you are close with-and give you feedback on your personality and your interaction with people too. Do you come across as cold and distant? Or are you warm and easy to talk to? How’s your tonality like usually? All these things may seem trivial, but that will go into the entire package of being attractive. Though physical looks are important, so is personality.

Lastly, if I were you, I wouldn’t worry that much about it yet, because you’re really still very, very young. At the same time, it’s always good to learn more about relationships, to know what it is all about to allow a man into your world, and how you cope with that. How do you sustain a relationship? It’s always good to start preparing yourself, so when the right man comes along, you’ll appreciate that you are all ready.

If you haven’t read my book, you can consider getting one to know how to have a loving and lasting relationship.

All the best to you!

Love, Kloudiia
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Drifting Away From My Boyfriend And Ex Came Knocking!

“Dear Kloudia,

I have invested five years in a relationship with my boyfriend, and now I find myself in a deep quandary. My boyfriend had been a very loving and kind man, and still loves me. But he could never talk to me about marriage, and when he finally did a few months ago, my passion for him had died. I am also beginning to see that we have grown apart, and I’m holding on only because of the parts during our courtship, and because I’m not sure I can find someone else I can love as much.

To add to this complication, an ex-lover had come back into my life, indicating his interest in me, yet he refuses to contact me after knowing that I’m still unavailable. I feel as if I had lost another opportunity!! I’m really an emotional wreck now, not knowing which feeling I should handle first. Where do I start?” - S

Dear S

Oh dear, your heart must be in a tug-of-war now, pulling you towards opposite direction at the same time. I know how terrible it feels to be stuck in a cross-road junction, not knowing which way to go and yet you have to move somewhere.

Yes, you need to start somewhere, and I would recommend you look at your current relationship first. After all, if you really want to start another one, you need to end this one first, right?

What has gone wrong with your relationship with your boyfriend? Passion for each other will die, it’s just a matter of time. But, it doesn’t mean that it cannot be revived! In fact, you are already beginning to do it by thinking of the good times in your courtship.

I’m not sure if passion means this, but from my coaching experience and from what I know, many people are referring to the feeling of being in love with their partners. If this is what you mean too, then I’d like to tell you that being in love isn’t the same as love. Love is a conscious choice. It encompasses many other lovely qualities like commitment, honesty, integrity, sacrifice, being understanding and willingness to put your partner’s needs above yours etc. It is shown not just through words, but also through actions. The things that you do for each other.

You and your boyfriend has built this relationship and let it grow over the years, so it’s pretty usual that you might start to take this for granted. Passion needs to be kept alive by both parties putting in effort. It doesn’t just come naturally. Attraction, an essential ingredient to staying in love, is also a result of hard work and conscious effort.

What makes you attract to him in the first place? Is he slowly losing this trait? Have you communicated to him how you feel about this?

Have you looked back at the times you have spent with your boyfriend and learnt what had been good, fair and not so good? What have you learnt from all those moments? A relationship, in many times, is actually a continuing education for everyone of us. We learn so much things about ourselves through the way we interact with our loved ones. Very often, our partner is like a mirror reflection of ourselves, where we see our faults and weaknesses through their behaviour. How much have you learnt so far about handling a relationship, about yourself and about him?

S, stay focused now and start communicating with your boyfriend in a sincere and earnest way. Bare your feelings to him, and if both of you are committed to make this work, then you’ll find ways to improve the areas that each of you lack to manage a relationship well.

Forget about your ex for the time being. In fact, you should thank him for doing you a great service by not contacting you upon knowing you’re still in a relationship. Otherwise, you might be torn apart already by now!

I’m not sure how much you know about managing a relationship, but I do believe that there are always things to learn. It’ll be good to read some books in this area (have you read my book yet? It’ll be pretty helpful – you can get it in bookstores like Popular and MPH!), attend talks or you can even consider seeking professional help like coaching.

I wish you all the best S. Stay focused and handle one thing at a time. In this way, you won’t feel so overwhelmed and you’ll be able to be at peace with yourself.

Love, Kloudiia

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Saving a Twelve Year Relationship

“Kloudiia,

I need to get advice about a recent break up of twelve years. We have a son together and I love her so deeply. I am having deep remorse for not showing her the love that I should have. It’s been three months and I am still very heart broken.” - M

Dear M

It really sounds like you’re remorseful, which is probably what would be your main motivating force to save your relationship, would you agree?

If you already know that you haven’t been showing her the love that you should have, then it only means you know what you can do to make her feel loved. Or do you not? If not, how can you know? How much and what do you know about her during those past twelve years that you are together?

A relationship doesn’t break up overnight, more so when you two have started a family. There could be lots of unhappiness and resentment built up over the years, and you probably could start by looking at this area.

Maybe you would like to use this time to do a good and honest reflection over what could have possibly gone wrong that led to this result. Looking at this list, what are the things that you can change now?

Does your partner know how you are feeling now? Have you been communicating to each other? How is she reacting to you now?

I understand that you’re feeling very remorseful now, and you’re probably sitting there and beating yourself up. But it’s been three months, so what have you done so far? If you haven’t done anything that is pushing you towards the direction you want, then when is now the right time to start taking some real and concrete action?

Since you and your ex have been together for twelve years and have a son together, I assume that you’re both married and are now separated? Because if so, then we’re talking about divorce which would take some time and hence hopefully give you some opportunities to make changes.

You are both connected to each other by your son. So, there might still be a chance that you can still patch back with your partner. But you need to act now.

It would be good if you can bring this up with a professional to walk this path with you together. Let me know if you’d like to find out more about our coaching programme and maybe we can work this out by emailing me.

All the best to you M, and I wish that your family can be back together in love and happiness once more.

Love, Kloudiia

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Confession of a Regretful Man

“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve very recently got myself into a big mess. I have been with my girlfriend of 3 years, and are on the verge of wedding preparations, but I recently messed around with another girl, and my girlfriend found out.

She was of course devastated and decided to end things with her, and I am so much so ashamed of myself that I agreed with everything she said of me. After losing her, I really feel like I want her back and I wanted to tell her I will never ever do such a thing again, to which she has close her ears to and told me it’s off.

How can I prove to her that I am very sincere in wanting her back? I know that as the one who did wrong, I am asking for too much but I meant it when I said I love her and wanted to marry her. I am really at a loss at the moment.

Do hope to hear your advices.

Thank you.” - S

Dear S

I can read that you’re really regretful of what you’ve done. It takes a lot of courage to admit to one’s wrongdoing, and even more to want to make up for it.

I’m sure you know how hurtful your girlfriend must have felt. So, while you would like her to return to you, you have to empathise with what she’s going through now. Dealing with a betrayal from someone whom she was preparing to entrust her life with isn’t easy. Hence, please give her and yourself a bit more time.

I’m sure you genuinely meant it when you said you love her and wanted to marry her. However, in this case, trust has been broken, and you know as well as I do that to rebuild it takes even more time and effort than to gain it in the beginning.

If you really want to salvage this relationship, you need to have lots of patience with your girlfriend, and use your action to prove your sincerity and love. Be mentally prepared that this is going to be an uphill task. You may be snubbed by her many times, because she’s probably learnt to protect herself from you now. But, if you really is sincere, then time and your action will tell.

What can you do to get her forgiveness? To what extent are you willing to do it?

At the same time, I’d like you to reflect upon this incident. Have you thought about what led to your misbehaviour at first? If things had been going on well between you and your girlfriend, why were you willing to risk it with the other lady? What was the catalyst?

And if things weren’t going very well already between you and your girlfriend, are you confident that these issues can be resolved now and won’t happen again in future? When infidelity occurs in a relationship, we always point the finger outwards and fail to see that it could be due to unresolved issues in our own relationship that are pushing us away. However, I hope that from this incident, you’ve learnt that the solution is never to seek the answer elsewhere, but within the relationship itself.

If you have issue with your girlfriend, then communicating about it and learning to see from each other’s point of view is the way to resolve it. Looking outside to getting what you can’t get in your relationship is an easy way out, but it never is and won’t be the real solution.

These are the things that you need to sit down and seriously think through.

I wish you all the best. At the same time, if your girlfriend is open to getting professional help, it would be very useful that she can speak to a counsellor or coach to work on this experience and to move on.

As for you, please do not be too hung up on your guilt and punish yourself unduly. I believe you are really feeling remorseful now. So, just focus on rebuilding the trust and let your love speak for itself.

This is a test of your love with your girlfriend. If both of you can go through this, I’m sure you will have a fresh perspective on what love, relationship and marriage is.

Love, Kloudiia

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“Are Your Changes Real?” He Asked

“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve a boyfriend whom we have been together for 5yrs+. We have LDR (long distance relationship) since March 2009. and we had a lot quarrels from March-June 2009. Ended up in July 2009, he called for a month cool down period..

At that time, I came to know about The 69 Love Notes.. I really appreciate the contents of the book and I committed to myself to make the changes because I WANT a loving and long-term relationship.

After the cool down period, we got back together. He noticed my changes, but deep in his heart, he feel uneasy as he thought all the changes that I’ve made is just because of his ‘threatening’.. and claim that the ‘feel’ has lost… he is coming back this week.. What should I do??

Do I need to take up the love couching program? If yes, HOW?

Hope to hear from you real soon.” - Q

Dear Q

I’m glad to hear that you’re committed to making changes so that you can have a long-term relationship, really glad. Not many people out there are willing to put in effort and work hard to achieve this, you know? So, regardless of how your relationship with your boyfriend turns out, you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back for the great work you’ve done!

I’m not sure why your boyfriend says he no longer feels for you, though I do suspect the frequent quarrels in the past could be a major reason. You see, when a couple goes through a period of constant arguments, the negative energy that hangs around them can cause them to lose all the nice and good feelings they used to have for each other. Unless they both have the commitment to want to ride it out no matter what, and learn new techniques to resolve the issues that are troubling them, chances are the relationship is heading towards the end.

Your boyfriend could genuinely be unconvinced that your changes are for the purpose of wanting to save the relationship, or he could be using it as a facade. He might be feeling insecure that you have made progress and he has still remained the same. Or, he might be using that as an excuse so that he doesn’t have to admit that he no longer likes you.

Or, none of these are true. He could genuinely believe that what you have been doing is not going to last. If this is the case, then the only way to let him know you’re really committed to making the relationship work is to continue to be a better person and apply those strategies and tips you’ve learnt. Time will show the truth, wouldn’t you agree?

I think it’d be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Find out what’s the real reason for the initial breakup, and if he sees this relationship having a future.

You can consider taking up coaching if you want to have a clearer idea of what you actually want and how to get there.

Lastly, I wish that you and your boyfriend will be able to work out all these confusions and doubts circling each of you and your relationship. I hope that regardless of how your relationship turns out eventually, you’d still continue to practise those things you’ve learnt from my book. Because you should have probably come to realise by now that they not only help you to have a lasting and loving relationship, when applied on oneself, the tips are also great to prepare you better for the next one to come.

All the best, Q.

Love, Kloudiia

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Confused Over A Break Up

“Hi Kloudiia,

I just broke up with my boyfriend few weeks back, because I found out that there’s a third party involved. We ended up arguing because he didn’t wanna explain and so we broke up. Now we’re not talking to each other anymore. I’m confused now. I don’t know what to do …” - J

Dear J

Breaking up is never a thing that gives someone joy. However, it can be a thing very worth while to do, especially if the relationship isn’t making you a better person and giving you love and peace.

I can understand why you’re feeling confused now. You must be wondering if all this is real. Is your boyfriend really cheating? If so, why didn’t you get any hint of it earlier?

Are you also having doubts about yourself, and perhaps even beginning to blame yourself for causing this break up? Are you feeling bad? Feeling less attractive even?

If you are, I really would wish that you stop breeding all these negative thoughts. When a third party comes into the picture, it usually is the result of several factors. We can’t be exactly sure what these are, but we can be certain that it isn’t the fault of one person alone. He could be non-committal right from the start, or both of you could be really incompatible. You can’t be completely sure why he cheated, but what you can control is how you treat this event.

When you’re feeling less overwhelmed and are ready to face the fact that this relationship is over, give yourself some time to think through what had gone wrong. I’m sure there are lessons that you can learn, wouldn’t you agree?

And, isn’t breaking up a better solution than staying together? Why would you want to hang on to a relationship that is no longer pure and loyal? Why would you want to commit yourself to a man whose heart doesn’t belong to you anymore?

Given time, I believe you’d get over this and move forward. Meanwhile, do things that will cheer you up. Most importantly, keep feeding positive thoughts and emotions into your brain. You really are worth to have someone who truly loves you and treats you well. When you thought you’ve lost something, you could actually have gained more instead. So, be open.

I wish you all the best, and may peace be in your heart always.

Love, Kloudiia

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