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“Kloudiia,

I need to get advice about a recent break up of twelve years. We have a son together and I love her so deeply. I am having deep remorse for not showing her the love that I should have. It’s been three months and I am still very heart broken.” - M

Dear M

It really sounds like you’re remorseful, which is probably what would be your main motivating force to save your relationship, would you agree?

If you already know that you haven’t been showing her the love that you should have, then it only means you know what you can do to make her feel loved. Or do you not? If not, how can you know? How much and what do you know about her during those past twelve years that you are together?

A relationship doesn’t break up overnight, more so when you two have started a family. There could be lots of unhappiness and resentment built up over the years, and you probably could start by looking at this area.

Maybe you would like to use this time to do a good and honest reflection over what could have possibly gone wrong that led to this result. Looking at this list, what are the things that you can change now?

Does your partner know how you are feeling now? Have you been communicating to each other? How is she reacting to you now?

I understand that you’re feeling very remorseful now, and you’re probably sitting there and beating yourself up. But it’s been three months, so what have you done so far? If you haven’t done anything that is pushing you towards the direction you want, then when is now the right time to start taking some real and concrete action?

Since you and your ex have been together for twelve years and have a son together, I assume that you’re both married and are now separated? Because if so, then we’re talking about divorce which would take some time and hence hopefully give you some opportunities to make changes.

You are both connected to each other by your son. So, there might still be a chance that you can still patch back with your partner. But you need to act now.

It would be good if you can bring this up with a professional to walk this path with you together. Let me know if you’d like to find out more about our coaching programme and maybe we can work this out by emailing me.

All the best to you M, and I wish that your family can be back together in love and happiness once more.

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve very recently got myself into a big mess. I have been with my girlfriend of 3 years, and are on the verge of wedding preparations, but I recently messed around with another girl, and my girlfriend found out.

She was of course devastated and decided to end things with her, and I am so much so ashamed of myself that I agreed with everything she said of me. After losing her, I really feel like I want her back and I wanted to tell her I will never ever do such a thing again, to which she has close her ears to and told me it’s off.

How can I prove to her that I am very sincere in wanting her back? I know that as the one who did wrong, I am asking for too much but I meant it when I said I love her and wanted to marry her. I am really at a loss at the moment.

Do hope to hear your advices.

Thank you.” - S

Dear S

I can read that you’re really regretful of what you’ve done. It takes a lot of courage to admit to one’s wrongdoing, and even more to want to make up for it.

I’m sure you know how hurtful your girlfriend must have felt. So, while you would like her to return to you, you have to empathise with what she’s going through now. Dealing with a betrayal from someone whom she was preparing to entrust her life with isn’t easy. Hence, please give her and yourself a bit more time.

I’m sure you genuinely meant it when you said you love her and wanted to marry her. However, in this case, trust has been broken, and you know as well as I do that to rebuild it takes even more time and effort than to gain it in the beginning.

If you really want to salvage this relationship, you need to have lots of patience with your girlfriend, and use your action to prove your sincerity and love. Be mentally prepared that this is going to be an uphill task. You may be snubbed by her many times, because she’s probably learnt to protect herself from you now. But, if you really is sincere, then time and your action will tell.

What can you do to get her forgiveness? To what extent are you willing to do it?

At the same time, I’d like you to reflect upon this incident. Have you thought about what led to your misbehaviour at first? If things had been going on well between you and your girlfriend, why were you willing to risk it with the other lady? What was the catalyst?

And if things weren’t going very well already between you and your girlfriend, are you confident that these issues can be resolved now and won’t happen again in future? When infidelity occurs in a relationship, we always point the finger outwards and fail to see that it could be due to unresolved issues in our own relationship that are pushing us away. However, I hope that from this incident, you’ve learnt that the solution is never to seek the answer elsewhere, but within the relationship itself.

If you have issue with your girlfriend, then communicating about it and learning to see from each other’s point of view is the way to resolve it. Looking outside to getting what you can’t get in your relationship is an easy way out, but it never is and won’t be the real solution.

These are the things that you need to sit down and seriously think through.

I wish you all the best. At the same time, if your girlfriend is open to getting professional help, it would be very useful that she can speak to a counsellor or coach to work on this experience and to move on.

As for you, please do not be too hung up on your guilt and punish yourself unduly. I believe you are really feeling remorseful now. So, just focus on rebuilding the trust and let your love speak for itself.

This is a test of your love with your girlfriend. If both of you can go through this, I’m sure you will have a fresh perspective on what love, relationship and marriage is.

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

I’ve a boyfriend whom we have been together for 5yrs+. We have LDR (long distance relationship) since March 2009. and we had a lot quarrels from March-June 2009. Ended up in July 2009, he called for a month cool down period..

At that time, I came to know about The 69 Love Notes.. I really appreciate the contents of the book and I committed to myself to make the changes because I WANT a loving and long-term relationship.

After the cool down period, we got back together. He noticed my changes, but deep in his heart, he feel uneasy as he thought all the changes that I’ve made is just because of his ‘threatening’.. and claim that the ‘feel’ has lost… he is coming back this week.. What should I do??

Do I need to take up the love couching program? If yes, HOW?

Hope to hear from you real soon.” - Q

Dear Q

I’m glad to hear that you’re committed to making changes so that you can have a long-term relationship, really glad. Not many people out there are willing to put in effort and work hard to achieve this, you know? So, regardless of how your relationship with your boyfriend turns out, you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back for the great work you’ve done!

I’m not sure why your boyfriend says he no longer feels for you, though I do suspect the frequent quarrels in the past could be a major reason. You see, when a couple goes through a period of constant arguments, the negative energy that hangs around them can cause them to lose all the nice and good feelings they used to have for each other. Unless they both have the commitment to want to ride it out no matter what, and learn new techniques to resolve the issues that are troubling them, chances are the relationship is heading towards the end.

Your boyfriend could genuinely be unconvinced that your changes are for the purpose of wanting to save the relationship, or he could be using it as a facade. He might be feeling insecure that you have made progress and he has still remained the same. Or, he might be using that as an excuse so that he doesn’t have to admit that he no longer likes you.

Or, none of these are true. He could genuinely believe that what you have been doing is not going to last. If this is the case, then the only way to let him know you’re really committed to making the relationship work is to continue to be a better person and apply those strategies and tips you’ve learnt. Time will show the truth, wouldn’t you agree?

I think it’d be good to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Find out what’s the real reason for the initial breakup, and if he sees this relationship having a future.

You can consider taking up coaching if you want to have a clearer idea of what you actually want and how to get there.

Lastly, I wish that you and your boyfriend will be able to work out all these confusions and doubts circling each of you and your relationship. I hope that regardless of how your relationship turns out eventually, you’d still continue to practise those things you’ve learnt from my book. Because you should have probably come to realise by now that they not only help you to have a lasting and loving relationship, when applied on oneself, the tips are also great to prepare you better for the next one to come.

All the best, Q.

Love, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudiia,

I just broke up with my boyfriend few weeks back, because I found out that there’s a third party involved. We ended up arguing because he didn’t wanna explain and so we broke up. Now we’re not talking to each other anymore. I’m confused now. I don’t know what to do …” - J

Dear J

Breaking up is never a thing that gives someone joy. However, it can be a thing very worth while to do, especially if the relationship isn’t making you a better person and giving you love and peace.

I can understand why you’re feeling confused now. You must be wondering if all this is real. Is your boyfriend really cheating? If so, why didn’t you get any hint of it earlier?

Are you also having doubts about yourself, and perhaps even beginning to blame yourself for causing this break up? Are you feeling bad? Feeling less attractive even?

If you are, I really would wish that you stop breeding all these negative thoughts. When a third party comes into the picture, it usually is the result of several factors. We can’t be exactly sure what these are, but we can be certain that it isn’t the fault of one person alone. He could be non-committal right from the start, or both of you could be really incompatible. You can’t be completely sure why he cheated, but what you can control is how you treat this event.

When you’re feeling less overwhelmed and are ready to face the fact that this relationship is over, give yourself some time to think through what had gone wrong. I’m sure there are lessons that you can learn, wouldn’t you agree?

And, isn’t breaking up a better solution than staying together? Why would you want to hang on to a relationship that is no longer pure and loyal? Why would you want to commit yourself to a man whose heart doesn’t belong to you anymore?

Given time, I believe you’d get over this and move forward. Meanwhile, do things that will cheer you up. Most importantly, keep feeding positive thoughts and emotions into your brain. You really are worth to have someone who truly loves you and treats you well. When you thought you’ve lost something, you could actually have gained more instead. So, be open.

I wish you all the best, and may peace be in your heart always.

Love, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

Hi, currently I’m having long distance relationship (LDR) with my boyfriend for about a month and he still have 23 months more before coming back to SG. Can guide me how to maintain my LDR well? I’m afraid we might not be able to communicate well due to the 15hrs time differences. Thanks” - JQ

Dear JQ

I’m glad you asked! Because that only means you’re really committed to making this relationship work, and commitment is crucial for all relationships, especially LDR.

We know that communication is the key to maintaining relationships (more so for LDR), so let’s see how we can keep this line open via these methods:

Phone or Skype

I believe you can find a time suitable for you two to talk? Say if it’s 9am on our side it’ll either be 6pm or midnight at his (depending he’s 15 hours before or behind us). This should be a good time for both of you, or you can adjust accordingly.

Set say, 15 to 30 minutes of time aside and do nothing else except talking to your boyfriend. Both of you can decide how frequent you need to speak to each other. Invest in a good webcam and microphone if you’re using Skype (or MSN). Then you’ll be able to see your boyfriend’s face and hear him clearly too!

Have a mutual agreement that when you two have decided on the time and date for a phone or webcam session, stick to it, even if it means cancelling other appointments. If one party cannot make it, inform the other party in advance so that you don’t have to worry unnecessary. This may sound very trivial, and when you two are in the same country it’s alright. But when one party is somewhere far away, triviality is somehow magnified. So, stick to the preset timetable.

In between these phone sessions where you can’t hear his voice, write.

Blogs
Do you know that you can set your blog to be private and accessed by passwords only? Maybe both of you can set up such a blog and post your daily updates. This is great because when you are on the phone with him, you can save time (and money!) by skipping the details and talk about the more important stuff.

Plus, you can upload lots and lots of photos! In this way, both of you are still involved in each other’s lives, which is what you want to keep a LDR going. This also helps to keep the passion alive.

If you’re not keen on the idea of setting up a blog, you can also post photos onto Facebook and set the permission level – only allow him to view those photos and vice versa. I just thought a blog is good because it has the time stamp and can track your thoughts and activities in chronological order – excellent for you two to reminisce later when he’s back!

Emails
Of course, how can we do without them?

As you can’t see each other’s body language and facial expression, and it’s impossible to hear the tonality in written communication, please always bear in mind to give your partner the benefit of the doubt if you think something’s amiss.

Always make it a point to ask him nicely (not interrogate) if you find something fishy or if you sense that he’s upset about certain things when you two get on the phone. Do not let misunderstandings pile up and cause a drift between you two. You are already physically far enough, and what you need to do is to bridge the gap, not widen it!

Cards
Send each other cards on special occasions, or on no occasion and for no special reason except to say hi and tell him you miss him. Being alone and so far away from loved ones, I’m sure your boyfriend would be elated to receive something from home.

You can also send each other little gifts that don’t cost much to courier or mail. These little things will help to remind you of each other.

Besides great and constant communication, here are other tips that’ll help to ease the anxiety you feel about this LDR.

Trust
When you can’t see each other, you can only believe what your partner tells you and vice versa. Therefore, please don’t allow your mind to wander off into some danger territory. By that, I mean unnecessary worries that he’s up to no good. Unless he has done something wrong, give him the complete and total trust. This is very helpful for him to focus on what he needs to do there too.

Discuss with your boyfriend and promise each other that you’ll be truthful and honest. And, keep to your promise.

Visit him
Since he’ll be there for another 2 years, would you be able to pay him a visit? Take it as a holiday.

Maybe both of you can start now by planning a date (one where both of you can take at least a week’s leave off from work). With a date fixed, it helps to do the rest.

You can research for the best deals, or keep a look out for any promotions that happen every now and then.

In the meantime, save, save, save!

And it’s good to have something to look forward to, isn’t it?

Commitment
Like I say, if you two are really committed to making this relationship work, you will do whatever it takes to overcome any obstacles that may come between. Finding ways to compromise on many issues is crucial when you can’t see each other.

If you have this, then I would say that you have half the victory with you already.

Continue your social life
Have a good support network of close friends and continue to socialise. You need to get accustomed to the fact that your boyfriend may not be able to be there for you physically at times when you needed him to, hence, having a good support network helps extremely well.

Personal Development
You can make use of this 2 years to pick up a new skill or indulge yourself in a new hobby. Was there anything that you have been wanting to do but you lacked the time when he was around? Now is the best time to do it! And when your special one is back, you can show your new talents to him proudly and let him see how you have changed for the better too. Isn’t this nice?

Hope the above helps. All the best to you JQ!

LOVE, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

I have been dating this guy for over 2 mths. we have been out over 10x and each date lasts at least 5-8hrs. some of them even over 12 hrs. 2 weeks ago, I asked him where we are heading and he said “I like you..very much in fact. but i am probably not ready to be in a relationship”. So I probed him the reason and he mentioned about his emotional baggage. So he is still in love with his ex gf who broke up 6 yrs ago. They are now both single and travel on holidays together and are “friends with benefits”.

I questioned why they aren’t back together then and he said they needed to work things out. She actually cheated on him 6 years ago but he still cares for her greatly and mentioned that he does want to marry her eventually and will give it till he’s 30 yrs ago (He’s 28 yrs old now) I accused him of toying with my feelings since he effectively is “in a complicated relationship” but he insisted he is single.  I got mad with him and ignored his calls, MSNs and text messages for 1 week.

Today, he MSNed me and tried to test the waters. He also said he plans to take Friday off so we can hang out the whole day together. I declined his invite since I do not want to be a backup to his ex…I also feel like hanging out with him incessantly like this will only make me fall for him more and be more miserable should things don’t work out. I still do feel strongly for him so it was very very upsetting for me to have to turn him down… Please advise how i should approach our relationship.  He obviously still wants to hang out as friends without commitment but I doubt I am able to handle this ambiguity…let me know. Thanks.” - Z

Dear Z

I doubt anyone would be able to handle such ambiguity in relationships, especially if you’re looking for a serious and committed one.

From the way things are now, there is no relationship between you two. You’re probably still in the courting phase. Obviously, you both have developed fond feelings for each other, yet he’s still tied to his emotional baggage, as you mentioned.

You deciding not to hang out with him until he clears his own indecisiveness is a very wise move. It shows that you know how to draw boundaries and to exert them. I’m glad you’re doing this.

Logic is telling you to make a wise choice, yet emotions are raging in your heart and urging you to go ahead and love this man. The choice is now clear: Logic or Emotions?

Each choice comes with a consequence.

If you go ahead and continue dating him, or even enter into a non-committal relationship, how prepared are you to accept his indecisiveness as you invest more of your love and emotions? Are you okay with him continuing with his ex on whatever basis they have agreed on?

If you stop now, you are sending him a strong message that until and unless he sorts out his own affairs, you and him will never be possible. Of course, during this period, you may go through a cycle of “grieving” for the loss of a potential romantic relationship. I won’t guarantee there won’t be heartaches, but I’m pretty sure that at the end of it, you’ll grow stronger and perhaps have a better idea of the kind of person to attract into your life!

Perhaps you can sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and the position that you’re taking? At least, you’re the one making the choice and not waiting passively for him.

At the same time, it’ll be great if he can receive some professional help to overcome his emotional hurdle.

But, even if he chooses not to deal with this, your life needs to go on.

All the best to you Z.

Enjoy the coming holiday.

Love, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

Hi, I am only 18 but I have lost all my confidence in guys. I first started having my first relationship when I was 16 and that was my last. I never did trusted another guy after because I felt that all they were saying were flattering and all lies. My first relationship was like a breeze, it came a little too soon and gone with the wind even before anything much started. It lasted for only three months. But I was into what he said, stuffs like “I love you till the end of time and space”, ” For you are the brightest star, no other stars I therefore see.” Please help me to regain my trust and confidence in men.” - P

Dear P

Sweet 18! Many girls your age are fantasising about being swept off their feet by their prince charming, and my heart goes to you for having to carry on such a huge burden from your last relationship.

The reason you’ve lost the ability to trust men could be due to the fact that your first boyfriend “betrayed” the trust that you had unequivocally given to him. You were not prepared for such a fast exit when you’re barely warmed up enough to relish in the joy that a first love usually brings.

Well, trust is one of the pillars that support a relationship. Without it, a relationship will usually crumble in time as it wouldn’t be able to withstand the many trials that life will surely bring.

Regaining trust and confidence in men, though takes time, is certainly achievable. Firstly, you can start by knowing that the fact that your first boyfriend had left you doesn’t mean that all men would behave like he did. Else we wouldn’t have so many happy and lasting marriages in this world, would we?

Secondly, I would like you to have confidence in yourself. That’s right, be confident. You probably are experiencing fear that you’ll be lied to, and in the process, lost your courage and confidence to believe in your ability to gauage a person’s sincerity again. Hence, your negative reaction to all men could be a way of protecting yourself.

P, I’d like you to know that, when you are denying people who could be sincerely complimenting you, you are actually telling yourself that you do not deserve to be praised. Is this true? Surely, there must be some truth in those “flatters”, right?

Learning to trust people takes time. You can begin doing so in baby steps. Do you have any closer guy friends? How’s your relationship with them? Is it good? Have they been honest to you all this while, but you’ve just chosen to ignore it?

A relationship doesn’t depend on feelings only to make it work. In fact, if it does, then we’ll have many broken relationships before we know it. A relationship works because both parties are truly and totally committed to making it work, even when those feelings of being in love is gone. But, you may be still young to fully appreciate what is love in a committed relationship. So, just know that perhaps, your first boyfriend probably meant it at that point when he said he loves you and you’re the brightest star. His issue is probably that he didn’t expect his feelings to change so fast, and, neither did you.

Life offers us many great experiences along the way. Not all lessons are sweet. In fact, many of them are bitter, and often times, give us heartbreaks. But that only means that we’ll become stronger and be a better person who knows how to love and be loved.

You can choose to take that first relationship as a good experience and move on, or you can choose to let that bad experience haunt you and be an emotional baggage that is weighing you down.

It’s your choice, because it’s your life.

May you begin to experience the beauty that having faith and confidence in yourself brings. Trust will come along naturally, if only you trust that it will.

Love, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

My boyfriend has broken off with me. I kept thinking of how to get him to change his mind. I chanced upon your site and I know I need to move on but I find it so so tough.” - J

Dear J

Moving on after a break-up is not easy for certain people, especially for those who did not initiate to end the relationship. It sounds like you belong to this category.

You probably know this, but I’m going to say it anyway. In life, you can’t change another person. The only person you have control over and whom you can change is yourself. Therefore, how do you think you would be able to change his mind if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings anymore? Would it be more useful if you were to use those energy to focus on yourself instead?

What were you experiencing when you were thinking of how to change his mind about you and the relationship? Write your experience down on a piece of paper. This method can help you not only to release your pent-up emotions, it also helps to give you the true picture of current reality.

When you’ve finally faced up to reality that the break-up is real, is happening and is irreversible (whether or not you can patch back, the ball doesn’t seem to be in your court, so assume that it’s irreversible now), accept it and move on.

You have to move on regardless. You may like to read my blog post on 7 ways to deal with painful breakups.

I’m not sure if you and your ex would patch back eventually, however, that’s an unknown future and thus shouldn’t be mixed with your present status. If the patch-back happens, I would assume that it is because the issues that resulted in your first breakup were resolved and would never be a reason for conflict again. If it doesn’t happen, well, you know you still can be as happy, if not, even happier than before because of the postiive changes you’ve made to your life.

There are some people who engaged me to work with them on issues that they believed led to their breaking up with their partners so that they would not see the same pattern occuring in their future one. If you like to work on this as well as moving on, you can talk to me and we’ll see how our coaching programme can assist you in this aspect.

In the meantime, do yourself a huge favour. Get out of your home and indulge in a favourite activity. Just make yourself feel good. You cannot imagine how, at times, just feeling good can make such a huge difference to motivate you to take action in your life.

All the best to you J.

Love, Kloudiia

Unknowingly and without any prior rehearsal, both of us clasped our palms and placed them below our chin as we chatted with the guy sitting across the table. It would have been brushed off as nothing unusual, except that I suddenly had this discovery – we were in rapport!

Stuart and I were in an exact same position. Though for only one minute, it said something about us. And this something, is in my opinion, what every single is looking for in a date – chemistry.

It has always been my stand that chemistry is not the heart-beating feeling you get when you meet someone on the first date, but something that is developed through time. This feeling is more of attraction than chemistry. 

Chemistry is that unspoken tact you share with a person. If the bond you have with another person is the channel that connects both of you, then chemistry is the fluid that flows interchangeably between the two of you. This fluid carries emotions and thoughts from one person to another, making them in tune and in sync with each other.

How do we build chemistry? If according to those people who insist that chemistry is that heart-beating feeling or that “you’ll know it when you first see the person” mentality, then chemistry is not something that is built over time, but is something that you either have it, or you don’t.

But what these people fail to realise is when you think you have chemistry with this person whom you just met, you are actually in rapport with him/her. If this person is skilled at building rapport with people, then chances are almost everyone will feel that they have chemistry with him! But that doesn’t necessarily mean these people know what he’s thinking of if he doesn’t say it out. However, someone who really has chemistry with him would most probably guess what is going on in his mind at a certain time.

When someone is attracted to another person, they experience some chemical reactions in their brains. Our brains emit this chemical – dopamine – that gives you pleasure and make you happy. And that is chemistry! But this is derived from another component – attraction. You feel this chemistry because you’re attracted to this person. Furthermore, if he/she builds rapport with you within the first 5 minutes, you’ll then feel as if you’ve known him/her for half a century. Again, you attribute this to chemistry. In actual fact, it is attraction plus good rapport, and these don’t add up to be known as chemistry (though it’s a great start to developing excellent chemistry!).

So the next time when you go on a date and you don’t feel anything special going on, do not brush the person off with that same, old reason - ”no chemistry”. Give each other a second chance to meet up again and find out more. Who knows, the chemistry might begin to develop once you’ve hit a common ground.

But if you are insistent that nothing good will come out of the dates, then at least do yourself a favour by admitting that your date isn’t attractive enough to live up to your expectations. In this way you make progress by knowing that you have a certain standard to measure up to with regards to physical outlook. And being able to know and acknowledge this is already taking a step ahead in your search for that special someone! At least now you know the reason why you guys have “no chemistry”, right?

On another note, if you and your date have absolutely nothing much in common, can’t hold a conversation decently for more than 5 minutes or one of you displays a certain behaviour that just about hit the alarm button of the other party, then I’d say, yes, move on to another person.

And when you meet someone with whom you feel you can instantly click with, congratulations! However, do not forget to still find out more about this person, because he/she may just be an expert in rapport-building and is probably very attractive who makes you feel good but may not be the right one for you after all.

And if you’re wondering if you can learn how to build rapport with anyone at anytime, the good news is – yes, you can. In fact, anyone can! And this is one of the things that I teach in my programmes and seminars as well.

“Dear Kloudiia

I have a girlfriend of 4 years. Recently, I started a hobby of blogging about social issues and through it, I got to know this girl M. Fast forward to 1 month later, I realise that I have fallen for M very deeply. I have told my girlfriend about this and we have discuss a lot on this. She wants me to pursue my happiness but at the same time to continue to love her. Now, mentally I have already decided that I wish to woo M, but at the same time, I still love my girlfriend. I know that it will be very unfair if I’m indecisive on who I wish to be with. On one hand I wish to be with M to see what lies in the future. On the other hand, I do not wish to hurt my girlfriend.

Some guys will think that I have the best of both worlds. 2 women willing to share me with someone else but I do not think it is great. Currently I am in the process of hating myself for being human. I do wish that all these never happen. That both women do not love me. That would be the best for me.” - DL

Dear DL

First of all, Happy New Year!

I certainly can feel how torn you must be experiencing right now, and yes, I agree with you that being in such a situation isn’t really a cause for joy, much to your friends (I’m quite sure they’re guys, right?) disappointment.

First and foremost, stop hating yourself! The fact that you can’t make a decision now doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. And you know as well as I do that you are far from one, and that’s why both girls are willing to work out such an arrangement in order to enjoy your personalised attention and maybe, affection?

Now comes the pill that’s probably hard for you to swallow. As much as you are procrastinating on it, I’m afraid you have to make a decision. It’s a MUST. I’m sorry, there are no other solutions. Because if you continue to go on like this, all 3 of you will be hurt more deeply than if you were to make up your mind now and choose to be with one. (or none?)

No one can foresee what the future lies, and it’s understandable that you’re curious about how you and M would be if you were an item. Yet, is this the most intriguing part of your relationship with her? Because if it is, I’m afraid it’s a bad reason to begin a relationship! You’ll always end up wondering what will it be like to be with someone else if that person comes along and attracts you like how M did now!

Or is there something else that makes you so intensely attracted to her? What is it? Is it her intelligence? Her wit? Her charm? Her ability to strike a conversation on a topic that interests you deeply (Since you mentioned you knew her from your blog)?

Does your girlfriend have all these traits too? If yes, then why aren’t you appreciating them? If not, then why aren’t you communicating to her that you like to be able to discuss issues close to your heart with her every now and then?

Because what you’re experiencing now is a huge dose of chemicals in your brain that is causing you to think of nobody else but M. So, you may not be even thinking about how to mend the drift between you and your girlfriend.

Yes, you’re in love (no doubt!), AGAIN, but that’s not what is going to make a relationship sustain through time and allow two parties in that relationship to grow concurrently.

Have you given some time to think about your current relationship with your girlfriend? Usually, when one party has a change of heart, instead of using the time to figure out whether or not your future will be rosier with the new person, why aren’t you looking inwards at yourself and your current relationship? If there isn’t anything broken, you wouldn’t be seeking for a replacement right? So what has broken down between you and your girlfriend? What is it that you want now which you may not want it before?

Regardless of what arrangements both ladies want, it’s up to you to decide what YOU want. Your girlfriend wants to keep you by her side, while M is afraid to be committal right now. So, before you make this decision, ask yourself what does a relationship mean to you? What do you expect to get from it? And what can you offer to a relationship? Are you already doing it now? Can you do better?

When you have all these answers, you’ll probably know what decision to make.

That’s all I have for you now. If you need some personalised assistance, you may consider taking up coaching. Drop me an email and I’ll get in touch with you.

Things will surely get better DL, when you decide to make a choice. Whatever choice you make, it’s always better than being stuck where you are now, because at least you have a direction from there.

All the best to you and may you and your family enjoy a happy 2009 ahead!

Love, Kloudiia