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“Dear Kloudiia

I have a girlfriend of 4 years. Recently, I started a hobby of blogging about social issues and through it, I got to know this girl M. Fast forward to 1 month later, I realise that I have fallen for M very deeply. I have told my girlfriend about this and we have discuss a lot on this. She wants me to pursue my happiness but at the same time to continue to love her. Now, mentally I have already decided that I wish to woo M, but at the same time, I still love my girlfriend. I know that it will be very unfair if I’m indecisive on who I wish to be with. On one hand I wish to be with M to see what lies in the future. On the other hand, I do not wish to hurt my girlfriend.

Some guys will think that I have the best of both worlds. 2 women willing to share me with someone else but I do not think it is great. Currently I am in the process of hating myself for being human. I do wish that all these never happen. That both women do not love me. That would be the best for me.” - DL

Dear DL

First of all, Happy New Year!

I certainly can feel how torn you must be experiencing right now, and yes, I agree with you that being in such a situation isn’t really a cause for joy, much to your friends (I’m quite sure they’re guys, right?) disappointment.

First and foremost, stop hating yourself! The fact that you can’t make a decision now doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. And you know as well as I do that you are far from one, and that’s why both girls are willing to work out such an arrangement in order to enjoy your personalised attention and maybe, affection?

Now comes the pill that’s probably hard for you to swallow. As much as you are procrastinating on it, I’m afraid you have to make a decision. It’s a MUST. I’m sorry, there are no other solutions. Because if you continue to go on like this, all 3 of you will be hurt more deeply than if you were to make up your mind now and choose to be with one. (or none?)

No one can foresee what the future lies, and it’s understandable that you’re curious about how you and M would be if you were an item. Yet, is this the most intriguing part of your relationship with her? Because if it is, I’m afraid it’s a bad reason to begin a relationship! You’ll always end up wondering what will it be like to be with someone else if that person comes along and attracts you like how M did now!

Or is there something else that makes you so intensely attracted to her? What is it? Is it her intelligence? Her wit? Her charm? Her ability to strike a conversation on a topic that interests you deeply (Since you mentioned you knew her from your blog)?

Does your girlfriend have all these traits too? If yes, then why aren’t you appreciating them? If not, then why aren’t you communicating to her that you like to be able to discuss issues close to your heart with her every now and then?

Because what you’re experiencing now is a huge dose of chemicals in your brain that is causing you to think of nobody else but M. So, you may not be even thinking about how to mend the drift between you and your girlfriend.

Yes, you’re in love (no doubt!), AGAIN, but that’s not what is going to make a relationship sustain through time and allow two parties in that relationship to grow concurrently.

Have you given some time to think about your current relationship with your girlfriend? Usually, when one party has a change of heart, instead of using the time to figure out whether or not your future will be rosier with the new person, why aren’t you looking inwards at yourself and your current relationship? If there isn’t anything broken, you wouldn’t be seeking for a replacement right? So what has broken down between you and your girlfriend? What is it that you want now which you may not want it before?

Regardless of what arrangements both ladies want, it’s up to you to decide what YOU want. Your girlfriend wants to keep you by her side, while M is afraid to be committal right now. So, before you make this decision, ask yourself what does a relationship mean to you? What do you expect to get from it? And what can you offer to a relationship? Are you already doing it now? Can you do better?

When you have all these answers, you’ll probably know what decision to make.

That’s all I have for you now. If you need some personalised assistance, you may consider taking up coaching. Drop me an email and I’ll get in touch with you.

Things will surely get better DL, when you decide to make a choice. Whatever choice you make, it’s always better than being stuck where you are now, because at least you have a direction from there.

All the best to you and may you and your family enjoy a happy 2009 ahead!

Love, Kloudiia

Luv Specialists would like to wish all of you a happy and blessed 2009!

Reach for the stars, and go for your dreams.

Stay healthy!

Being appreciated can be one of the greatest way of feeling loved and being recognised by anyone, be it our partners, parents, siblings, colleagues, friends or supervisors in work. Yet, despite their importance on one’s esteem and happiness, it is one of the most taken granted for.

In the past 7 days, has anyone praised you or told you what a wonderful person you have been or what a great job you have done?

If you haven’t, then fret not for you are certainly not in the minority group.

But if appreciation is such an important factor for one to feel good, then why isn’t we getting it? Or rather, why isn’t there enough appreciation going on around in this world?

There is a guy who came up to me recently and told me that he doesn’t feel appreciated or loved by his wife. I ask him what does it mean for him to feel appreciated? He said if his wife could thank him for working so hard for them he would feel that his efforts are worth it. I asked if his wife knew that he would like to hear her saying that? He said this: “Does she need me to tell her to tell me this?”

I replied: “What makes you think that she knows you need to hear her saying this if you don’t tell her?”

He looked at me for a while, and said: “But if I told her, then it would not sound real, right? I mean, it’s like me teaching her how to praise me. Then that’s not a real compliment already, isn’t it?”

I told him: “You’re teaching her how to love you in a way you like to be loved. You’re telling her you need appreciation from her time and again, because this will give you the energy in life.”

He was stunned for a while, before he nodded his head slowly and smiled. I think he got it!

Well, maybe it’s time that we stop whining about how we don’t get appreciated by people who matter to us, but start taking action to attract all these appreciation into our lives! Who says you can’t verbalise your need and want for appreciation to your boss, your spouse, your friend or even your parents?

If they don’t know they aren’t givng you what you want, then isn’t it your job to let them know? Of course, it’s not about you walking up and demand something like “I want you to show me your appreciation!” but rather by first giving yourself or your service to others and in turn, telling them nicely that you would really be thankful if they were to let you know when you’ve done an excellent job!

Ask, and you will receive.

At least, you are creating opportunities and windows for happiness, love, joy and satisfaction to flow into your life.

Remember, when you get it, be grateful and express your gratitude to the giver.

That’s how relationship is built and maintained.

He had already fallen for her even when she was dating another guy. Hence, he decided to linger around her side and be her “confidante”. As a result, he was the first to know about what went on between her and her boyfriend. When they broke up, guess who was there to be the saviour?

They were classmates in a part-time degree course. Both of them were holding day time jobs, and she was one of the more popular girls in class. To get near her, he went all out to be there for her when she needed help. When he knew she had an intention to quit school because of the exhausting schedule juggling work and school, he bought a car and started ferrying her from office to school and home after that. As a result, he eliminated all competition because he would be the one to have dinner with her before school and sending her home. For this, she continued with her studies and they got married.

What can we learn from the two cases above?

When we set goals, we need to have a strategy on how to achieve them. However many times, we are conscientious on devising strategies to accomplish monetary and career goals, but when it comes to matters of the heart, they feel that having a strategy means setting up a trap for the other person.

I really beg to differ, for it is my belief that as with anything in life, it requires a strategy. The first plan may not work out, but we’ll definitely learn some lessons and use them to fine-tune our strategy. 

Did those two guys trick the girls to be their girlfriends or even wife? No, but they did know of the best way to get close to them and constantly remain at the top of the girl’s mind. The love and sincerity is genuine, and this, is precisely the reason why having a strategy to go after a girl (or even guy) is not considered a devious trap.

However, if a guy intends to go after a girl for immoral reasons, then regardless if he has a strategy or not, his intentions are not pure to begin with.

If you’re keen to find out more about powerful strategies to make the person you’re attracted to fall in love with you, you may like to submit your name by clicking here. When the seminar is finalised, you’ll be the first to be notified.

Use a strategy and get your goals!

“Hi Kloudiia!

I met my BF during college, he was the uncle of one of my close friends. Since then we start getting to know each other by means of communication; texting, calls, emails, letters and chatting. Later on, we both agreed to be committed in a sense of online relationship.. so he become my BF for couples of months only, I broke up with him because I don’t want to be totally attached knowing that this relationship is not for real I always feel incomplete. I start longing for the real one.. someone that I can be with, someone I can hug and kiss, I can feel and see in personal. But unfortunately were in different side of the world.. he couldn’t find time to see me and be together thats why I decided to break up with him. Beacause it doesnt work out, I feel so bored in our realtionship. The break up was really good, we still friends after all.

After college, we go in our separate ways.. he got jobs in our country, and I luckily got a job abroad.. we lost communication after months but its like destiny that we met again online.. he found me in a website.. we start communicating again and same old story happpened “history repeat itself as what they called it” but then this time around I wouldn’t allow him to be part of my life more than as friends. I haven’t given him chance although he ask for it. I went home in our country for vacation only. And since we’re friends I agreed to meet him, we spend time together. We go out of town for weeks in islands with friends and spends weekends together. He always insist whenever he got chance to tell me he want second chance for our relationship, he keep on telling me that he will make it up this time. I said “NO” we better off as fiends.

But something happend that I really don’t expect.. we had sex and after what happened we still seeing and communicating with each other more and more. Time flies to fast and I have to go back to work, before my flight we talk and make things clear. He wanted to continue the relationship. And so we did long distance relationship.. but as our relationship was on going I heard many things about him from our friends that he was a GAY. My friends told me to break up with him. Even before,the first time I met him, I heard that issue already. But I just ignore it because we having online relationship not that too serious and its not really big deal knowing that I’m too young that time. I’m not that bother that much, but now I’m really bothered because I notice that as well during the time I was in our country and we spend time together. But its like its hard for me to believe i don’t know what stopping me to break up with him this time knowing his a gay. I really don’t know what to do? How would I know if he is really gay? How would I know if he really loves me or just using me to hide his real identity.

Thanks,
sweetangel”

Dear Sweetangel

This relationship, if it’s ever considered as one, sounds too complicated even for an adult, much less for a college student to be able to handle, really. In my opinion, you certainly don’t deserve to be in such a tricky situation.

There are more than one issue here that I can see, and the man’s sexual preference is just but one of them. The age gap is another issue. And he doesn’t seem to be mature in his thinking for someone his age. You didn’t mention how old he is, but since he’s the uncle of one of your classmates, I presume he’s a working adult while you’re still a college student. Hence in terms of knowing what he’s thinking and his real motives, you might have some degree of difficulty in reading his mind.

An online relationship sounds too far-fetched for anyone to be able to relate that to any form of connection between two people. And when he later found you again online, why is that considered as destiny when he knew too well there would be a high possibility of locating you on the “webosphere” (if I may invent this word) at this time and age when social networking sites are the norm for young people like you to make friends, to see and be seen? Gosh, even Barrack Obama can be found on Facebook. So, for your own sake, maybe you’d like to de-fantasize about this a little bit?

As at now, there are three things seeking your immediate attention. Let me put them in point form for your easy understanding:

1. Medical checkup. Since you’ve had sex with him, it’s advisable to go for a health checkup. I know this might sound ridiculous, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry. If possible, get a girlfriend or your mom to accompany you to the doctor. I hope you had protection during sex. 

2. Cut off ties. I know I shouldn’t sound imposing, however you know as well as I do how this situation is taxing you emotionally and mentally now. Does it really matter if he’s gay? How much do you know about this person to let him be part of your life in such an intimate way? How is his integrity like? His character? Is he an honest man? What good will come out from continuing this unclear relationship with him?  

3. Get support. You need to have a support network at this time if you were to be committed to have a clean cut with this person and get him out of your life totally. Have you considered confiding this issue with someone close to you and you know you can count on at a time like this? I hope you share a good relationship with your mother, for she’s naturally the best choice a daughter can hope to have to help you tide through this period. Otherwise, maybe you can consider getting a therapist. Is there any volunteer group in your town that provides such a service to college students?

You said you don’t know what is stopping you from breaking up with him. This, to me, only means that you are planning to break up with him. If my deduction is correct, then I must applaud you for making this decision. What is left now is for you to have that courage and determination to see it through. I forsee you’ll need to have a steel will to want him out of your life for he may not let you go so easily. Are you willing to walk away from this situation and move on with your life afresh?

You know only you can decide how to live your life, not anyone else, don’t you?

I hope you sit down and reflect upon this issue. What has this sort of relationship brought you so far? List down the good and the bad. Take a good look at them and see what are the lessons you can learn. 

If you need more help, please email me again.

I hope that you’ll have your life back in control again and I wish you all the best.

Love, Kloudiia

Now, you see this girl and your heart starts beating madly. You feel as if the whole world has stopped spinning for you, and now it’s your moment to let her know your feelings. It’s as if you can hear the music playing in the background, and your body feels light as a feather. You are now floating on cloud nine.

All of a sudden, the music stops. The silence is deadening, and the drastic change brings you back to reality in a sharp way.

You realise one missing piece from the whole jigsaw – you don’t know how to show your interest for her!

I remember this guy friend who is very chatty and loves flirting around with girls, until one time when I saw him humming and hawing in the presence of a girl. I was shocked and bewildered. Of course, I didn’t hide my shock from him. My look said it all.

I remember asking him: “Why are you so tongue-tied with that girl? Don’t tell me you – like – her?” “How did you know? You mean it’s very obvious?” he asked. “Well, yeah, you are not yourself anymore! So it’s either you like her or she likes you and you don’t! Ha ha… oh, I didn’t know you would have this day too! Ha ha ha …”

I didn’t mean to be so mean, really, but I couldn’t leave him without taking a jab at him. He growled at me, and asked: “So, do you have any tips for me? How do you find her?” 

Okay, we were both in junior college then, and I knew him from secondary school days. He has a glib tongue; everyone knows and can attest to this “virtue”. However, in the presence of his “goddess” as he called her, he went jelly. 

I gave him some tips, and I hope he find it useful. Fast forward to twenty years later (man, time flies!), maybe these tips will still come in handy for guys who still have their hair-standing, heart-stopping moments when coming face to face with their goddess, princess or simply, their girl of their dreams. 

It that’s you, then read on …

5 Tips To Show Your Interest For Her (without saying “I like you” to her)

1. Speak with your eyes. Look into her eyes for a full minute, if you can. Otherwise, 30 seconds is good enough too. No blinking, just pure gazing into her eyes. But please, do not stare at her as if you’re about to eat her up. Gaze at her as if you’re saying “You’re so beautiful” with your eyes.

2. Speak with your hands. Guide her along when you’re walking. Offer to help her with any heavy stuff she’s carrying. Block any “danger materials” that are flying towards her. Girls are very drawn to strong arms, so show off your strength!

3. Speak with your heart. Do you know how to give a good compliment? There are 3 easy steps to follow: 1 – Notice the one thing you like to compliment, e.g. her beautiful eyes. 2 – Tell her how her eyes make her light up and stand out among the crowd. 3 – Ask her a question. In this case, ask her if anyone has told her how lovely her eyes are? In order for these 3 steps to work, there is a critical pre-requisite: You are really sincere about it. That’s what I mean by “speaking with your heart”. A false compliment will only sound as it – fake and manipulative. Girls won’t fall for it.

4. Speak with your action. Action speaks louder than words! Show your interest by showing interest in all she says, what she does and what she likes. Then manifest it through little action like helping her to order her favourite drink and reminding the waiter the way she likes it: less sugar and no ice, for example.

5. Speak through your friends. It’s time to leverage on your network of friends. Express your admiration for this girl to friends who know her friends too. It’s just a matter of time that she gets wind of this guy’s crush on her. When you next brush shoulder with her, remember to smile and do Tip #1 immediately!

See, you don’t have to say “I like you” if that makes you go weak in your knees and threaten to put you in a temporary shock. Of course, it is undeniable that that would be the fastest way to show your interest to the girl. But, you may like to take comfort to know that, while that is the fastest, not all girls take to that! As the saying goes, different strokes for different folks!

Surprise! Surprise!

Buying gifts for your loved one is an almost sure-hit romantic trick to make him/her fall to their knees. Similarly, launching a surprise move or act on your partner will give them immense pleasure as well. Like throwing an unexpected birthday party with a theme of his fantasy or hobby would surely go way down in his memory.

However, after a period of sneaking around preparing for this big moment, you might get a rude ‘surprise’ from your partner when you see the look of shock on their face when you shout “Surprise! Surprise!” You know well enough that that look wasn’t one of excitement.

Before you begin to feel depressed that you have failed as a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife terribly, take heart to know that you are, usually, not alone.

So how to surprise your loved one correctly so that they will receive it in exactly the intended form you planned for them – a sweet, nice, pleasant surprise?

The key is this – knowing them well.

Yes, you have to know your partner extremely well in order to make the right guess what they are wishing for in their hearts. How to know them really well? Use these 3 tips:

1. Listen – they may have casually mentioned about that wish, that unfulfilled dream or simply that iPhone they have eyed so long and is aching to have one. Or, they may be telling friends about how excited they’ll be if they can celebrate their wedding anniversary at Christmas Island. Get it?

2. Observe – pay close attention to your partner. Does his eyes light up when you mention F1? Does she clutch your hand tightly when she passes by the Korean popstar Rain?

3. Ask – when in doubt, always ask. Of course, you can practise lots of tact when asking so you won’t let the cat out of the bag. But at least you are sure that you are on the right track. 

Remember, pay attention to all the details, even down to the favourite colour for that particular item of your surprise. For example, she may love burning red roses but abhor blazing red pants. He may relish blue walls and shirts but squirm at blue suede shoes.

Lastly, if your surprise didn’t turn out to be the real deal, take that as feedback and make it a better one next time! As for you, if your partner meant to give you a surprise but somewhere alone the line messed it up a little, remind yourself that it’s the action, the love and the effort that truly counts.

I know, it can be a tad disappointing to see that you are not getting a white instead of blue because it is a telling sign on how much your partner actually knows you. Yes guys, ladies do use this as a way to gauge how much your love for them is, because by a woman’s standard, if you love her very much, you will know her very well.

But to all of you disappointed recipients of surprises, please, brush this aside and tell your partners sweetly that you appreciate their efforts. You do, don’t you? So focus on the thanks, and the rest will take care of itself.

“Hi Kloudiia!

Good day to you. Came across your website while surfing the net. Tried to send in my message through your website but was bounced back??

I was reading your article on ’10 signs that he likes you’ and trying to recall if this guy that I met for the first time did what you mentioned.

He didn’t initiate the second date till today (it’s been a week plus since the first date) but occasionally when we meet online i.e. MSN, he will initiate the conversation, for a brief one and then log out to do his revision (he has a very important exam in September and kinda stressed up with that). Most of the time due to the quick conversation, we hardly chat things deeply but just a very casual one like ‘how’s day’..

So, my problem now is..I have a good impression on him, and wish to know how he feels about me, as from what I see now, he doesn’t seem to show more interest of knowing me. So, do you think I should do something to find out how he feels or just let it be (or at least wait after his exam)?? If you think I should find out, what do you think that I can do??

Is it true that girls should never initiate any date with guys as they will be turned off by that??

Hope to hear from you soon.” - YW

Dear YW

Ok, read this article ”Love Advice: 7 Tips & Strategies To Woo A Man Secretly” first if you haven’t done so already. Though the situation there may differ slightly from yours, have a grasp on the concept I shared in there and you’ll be in a better position when you need to come up with your strategy.

For now, let’s decipher his actions and see if we can find any clue to the answer in his heart. He has asked you on a second date. So that means he finds you good company. Though too soon to tell if that fondness can be further developed, at least one fact stands – you’re still in the game.

His lukewarm conversations on MSN could either be his character or as you’ve said, he needs to revise for an important exam. There are some people in this world who don’t relish chatting with someone and baring their hearts out while staring at a computer screen. They might be more interpersonal, and so MSN is only for very casual hi’s and bye’s.

Don’t read too much into his virtual habits. One thing you can take heart is he seems to always initiate a conversation with you. So this is a piece of good news. Even if he says hi to perhaps a hundred more girls at the same time is something we don’t know and won’t waste time in guessing. At least for this moment, these signs still look promising enough to pursue.

You know what, you have said something rather significant. I’m not sure if you know how important it is or not. You don’t really know him that well, do you? Since you guys hardly have any reasonable amount of time to chat about something deeper.

Do you think it matters to know him well enough before you decide if you should take further action? If you think it matters, then how about giving yourself some time now, while he is busy with exams, to list down what are the stuff you deem important to know. So that when the time comes, you are well-prepared.

If you are anxious now to see how high your chances are and unwilling to wait till exams are over, maybe you can engage him in some harmless flirting and banter. Not only can it help him to relax in the midst of tense studying, he may like to chat with you more! In the course of doing so, you’ve established yourself one place higher up in his heart.  

I’ll share this trick with you. During any conversation, when he mentions something or do something you find endearing, don’t let the golden opportunity slip by. Casually say things like “Oh that is so sweet/cool/smart/ingenious. This is what I’d look for in a partner,” and watch his reaction. If he’s also into you, he’ll probably return this favour.

I need to put a disclaimer here: Guys if you have read this and the next time a gal does this, please don’t embarrass her by asking her “Are you hinting to me you like me?” ok? Spare her the blush and react accordingly. She’ll be glad even if you don’t reciprocate her feelings.

To reply your last question, it’s alright now to let a guy knows how you feel towards him. He will only run for his life if you bite onto his tail and refuse to let go unless he returns your affection. There are ways for a woman to show her interest and in turn leads the guy into doing the chasing after all. *wink*

Last but not least, I’d encourge you to register to be in my mailing list. You might be interested in an upcoming seminar that you won’t want to miss out.

All the best to you YW.

Love, Kloudiia 

“Hi Kloudiia

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 year now. Both of us were divorcee and we are now 38 years old. We went through rough patches and tough times as both of us knew each other at the wrong time when we were still married to our own spouses. You may say we cheated on our spouses but back then both of our marriages were on the rock and were on the verge of divorce even before my boyfriend appeared.

Subsequently, last year March I had his baby but back then both of us were not officially divorced but separated from our spouses. But I was uncertain about this relationship even though he loves me alot and is ready to marry me and rush his ex wife for a divorce but I was still unsure because he can be unreasonable and his bad temper is a killer.

I was finding difficulty letting go of my son knowing if I will to give birth to the baby I would lose my son. In the end, I decided to abort the baby left my boyfriend D and go back to my husband and family. But after the abortion, I was so vulnerable, regretted my decision, felt extremely guilty and plus my husband was unable to accept me immediately back and D hated me and couldn’t forgave me and wanted to have a clean break with me. I was devastated and I pleaded D to forgive me. I cried day and night losing my baby and D. Then I realised that I do love D very much.

After one month of pleading and begging, he decided to give me a chance and we got back. In order to appease him, I gve up my son’s custody and requested for a divorce. But this one year plus was a tough and rough journey. He treated me nasty and lash out on me whenever he was frustrated. He kept bringing up the mistake that I have done. Having said that, he still make effort to call me daily, text me every morning to tell me he reached office and he loves me.

In June, we went for a holiday after that our relationship has progressed and we started to talk about our future of marrying at the end of last year. Then subsequently as the months past, I felt he has lost it again. In Sept last year, I couldnt take the uncertainty and change of his mood anymore that I flared up and left his house one of the weekend.

On Monday, he met up with his ex girlfriend whom he was with while he was still married. On Wednesday, I called him he was determined to break off with me and again I pleaded him telling him we can work things out. And so we were back again.

I asked him whether he was serious with me and want to marry me. He said yes but he is not ready financially and emotionally. I do sense he loves me alot. But he is just not ready to marry because he had a bad divorce. He was divorced in june and I was divorced in Sept last year. Then he promised me that this year, we will get a house and get married. I was so happy that finally he is ready to commit,

Perhaps I was too anxious and fearful that he will change his mind anytime so in Jan this year, I started to hound him like a mad dog. He was triggered and pull away as he was feeling extremely stress by me. We had alot of arguement every week since then till now.

Then we were doing fine and he brought me to jewelry shop for my dowry. In fact last year Sep he already got for me the wedding ring. Last week we had a big arguement again because again when I asked him whether he wanted to view flats, he kept delaying and I was indignant.

He told me he can’t trust me still, don’t have confident that our relationship will last and he is afraid of divorce again that he will lose out again. He is extremely fearful of marriage. Basically I don’t know what’s in his mind?

He even told me if his bonus is good this June then we will go maldives for holiday. Last year, he told me he will definitely bring me to maldives for honeymoon. But this year, I doubt its for honeymoon anymore.

Just a few days ago, he again told me we were not compatible and that I am too demanding and he complained everything about me. He really not happy and he just want to be alone. He told me if I still want to be with him then we will just cohabit as he wont step into a marriage anymore.

Next morning, he told me sorry he promised me that he will be positive and he told me he just too stress and he really feel like giving up everything; his work, classes and relationship. He don’t know why he is so negative. He asked me whether I can revert to my old self where we can joke, talk and laugh and where I was always cheerful. But now, it seemed we have nothing much to talk about, my face is always so sour and we don enjoy and its so bored being together.

I do love him alot.. along the way, I do try to give myself other opportunities because my emotion is always roller coaster.. his inconsistency makes me cry every other day and I am really going insane soon… I am not ugly, infact above average. But it seem its so difficult to find someone that can accept me being a divorcee with a son even though my son is not under my custody.. even with those who can accept may not necessarily have chemistry with them.. I feel so stuck in my siutations.. I wanted to jump out but I can’t… I wish he can change his mind about me and make a firm decision not changing all the time..

hope you can help me…

I hope you understand my feeling and his and help me to analyse the stiuation. What should I do? If i give him space will he revert back?

I really feel like going back to the family as my son needs me. But my ex has found someone and married. So what should I do? Even though, I love D, but I can’t trust he is willing to work on this relationship and have a future with me. Perhaps its my problem of trusting him but till now he didnt give me any assurance. I am suffering and torn apart.. I feel like a failure and have nothing now…

Now, he has made his stand clear that he won’t marry me because he has fear whether we can work things out. He is now distant and cold and very reserved but he still make effort to call and text me which I find its more of a responsibility than love. I can sense that he is seeing no future with me now and simply feels we won’t last long.

Please help me to analyse whether he is taking me as a sideline now. Awaiting for your reply. How should I apply your ebook and change his mind about me?

Thks. J”  - J

Dear J

I’m not sure if you are aware that you are very stuck in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Maybe you are, but you are still hidden behind an inflated belief that things will turn around and he will stand firm on his decision to love you, be with you and marry you.

You have to know if you need to move on or not. Ask yourself what needs to happen that will make you say “That’s it. I’m out of here”? Is that list a long one? Could you identify which one is the dealbreaker?

You and D have been through a lot, as compared to other couples in a more common relationship. Divorces notwithstanding, there was an abortion, lack of trust, insecurity, instability and also doubts and confusion to handle.

The emotional and mental stress you are bearing now is undeniably high, made worse by the various highs and lows during this period. Could this be why you are behaving so possessive and unbearing towards him?

You have come to a time where your relationship has reached a plateau. He is not willing to commit to marriage. So, my question is: what are you hoping to get out of this relationship? Marriage? Companionship? Love? Affection? What is the most important one for you? Are you getting it? Do you think you will ever get it? What does it take for you to get it? What does it take for you to do something about this when you don’t get it?

Yes, I’ve asked a barrage of questions, and I really need you to look at them not just as questions, but keys to opening the lock in your heart right now. At this point, nothing short of complete, honest and yes, maybe brutal truth can do the trick.

You see, if you aren’t aware yet, the problems you are facing here come as a result of individual issues that you and D are struggling with. He has his own obstacles (emotional and financial) to overcome and you have your inner woes to soothe. Hence it’ll be necessary for you to take this time out and rechannel your focus and energy to sort things out within yourself first, before you can see where this relationship is leading you to, or not bringing you anywhere near your desired outcome.

As for your son, I’m not sure how estranged you are from him now, or not. Have you been seeing him regularly? What else can you do for him, since you say he needs you?

If there is no driving force you can leverage on to clear out your issues, I hope your son can be it. I believe you want to be in the right emotional state to see him now and be with him. So, maybe it’s time that you use this love for your son to propel you and do something for yourself.

Sounds like lots of work is to be done here, I know. If you are open to engaging a professsional to assist you along, I’m here.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

P.S Divorcess still have a great chance of achieving a successful, loving and lasting relationship the second round. There have been cases to prove this. So do not be dishearten about the fact that your previous marriage had failed, because that should only mean you have more experiences and lessons learnt, which will only do you good than bad.

“Kloudiia

Hi, I was just browsing around and found your website. Ii read your article about “Is it over?” and I found it very helpful although I knew all those facts anyway. But I was talking to this guy for about 9 months and he recently told me in the most horribbe way that he no longer loves me the same. It really hurt me but what was worse was that it seemed like it wasn’t a big deal to him.

Anyways he wanted to be friends and things to remain the same and I eventually agreed to it. A few weeks ago I saw him and later that night we spoke (btw he lives in another city) and he seemed to be his old self again we actually had a good conversation. And he hinted that his old feelings were returning but said that if he “said anything things would change” we rarely spoke after that and a few days ago he said “I love you, you’re so funny” and things haven’t been the same.

He doesn’t call anymore and always has an attitude. I’m trying my best to move on but he gives me mixed signs and hurts me so much. Please help I have no one else to talk to. Thanks” - S

Dear S

Clearly, you still haven’t gotten over this guy. Otherwise I bet you’ll give him the same antics and make him feel as miserable as you now. Or maybe not, and I’ll be proud of you if you didn’t.

How to get you out of this vicious cycle? Apparently if you have read my post “Are We Over?“, then you would have known that his behaviour can be found literally all over the article. He is there, isn’t he?  

So what is it that you are still holding on to with the belief that this could actually be more than over?

Yes he hurt you. But aren’t you the one who is allowing him to hurt you more by granting him this permission? By attaching your emtions strongly to every word he says and every thing he does is equivalent to surrendering your power to him.

Talk is cheap. In this instance, talk is free. So while he doesn’t incur any liability by sprouting those “I love you” words loosely, you are actually classifying them as precious assets. And you aren’t even depreciating them over time!

I know you still like him and that’s why you are not prepared to give him up totally yet. What does it take for you to do that? A new relationship? Courage? Faith? Support? Or just a rude wake-up call?

How can you get all these resources for you to wipe him out from your love balance sheet and restore your bottom line back to seeing black instead of red? Think about this, and write down all the possible people you can go to, places you can visit, books you can read, advices you can seek or things you can do to take back your power and gain control of your emotions.

When you have done that, then you are ready to live your life with you as the centre and not him anymore.

All the best S. You can do it, you know? But you need to first want this freedom, otherwise even angels can’t save you from freaking out again when the next text message arrives with yet another amorous-and-noncommittal note.

Last but not least, from what I know, guys who are sincere in a committed relationships just, don’t, do all these, get it?

Love, Kloudiia